Another chance for son's dad?

[jadelindsey2]

Me & my 3 y/o ds dad split up whilst I was pregnant and he has been in and out of his life since he was born, he is an alcoholic & takes drugs (reason's why our relationship ended) thankfully my ds has a step dad as an amazing role model. When DS was born ex showed no interest. When he was a few months old ex said he wanted to start seeing him, he came round to see him every weekend, he was always completely plastered which resulted in him passing out on my sofa without actually spending any time with him. I told him to not come round unless he was sober and clean of all drugs. He didn't bother with him again until he was 1 and announced he is "trying" to change and wanted contact again. I met him at the park with our son a few times, he was sober and things where ok, they interacted for a while but they didn't seem to be bonding much. He would just sit and look at his phone whilst I pushed him on the swings etc. On one occasion he told me he was going for a cigarette and came back high and smelling heavily of cannabis to which I told him I was going home. This happened a few more occasions until he turned up drunk with a beer in his hand and I said it had to stop and I couldn't keep doing this the way he was.
Few months of no contact and he asked to have him over his to see his family on the basis of his mum being there at all times (I talked to her on the phone and she agreed) She was supposed to drop him home that evening but she didn't, I phoned her and she said that "She had gone out and he had been left with my ex" I went to his house to collect him and he was drunk and high with multiple friends over (who I don't know) all of whom where drinking and doing drugs and two of them where in the other room having sex. I took my son instantly and told him he could not see him anymore and he didn't seem to care. He is in and out of jobs (he keeps getting fired because of his alcohol issues) He has been in hospital on multiple occasions for alcohol related fits.
Fast forward two years, he has not made any contact or asked to see him until now. He made contact with me back last September to ask if he could burrow money as he owed it to someone (the cheek of it) No birthday or Christmas presents, nothing. He messages me and says he has "cleaned up" has been completely clean and sober for six months and want's to re build his life and start a relationship with his son. I just feel like the damage is done and like I can not trust him at all now, I know he will go back to his old ways. My son knows who his dad is, he never talks about him or expresses any interest to see him, they never bonded. He has a good relationship to his now step dad but he is clear this is not his dad and he does not call him dad. I just personally feel like it is not a good idea to get him involved with this man when he is not bonded or attached at all, rather than get him involved and attached then have him let him down or put him in danger. He keeps telling me he deserves a second chance, but I have given him so many chances.

You already know what he is like in terms of broken promises and inconsistent parenting. You cannot leave your son in a potentially dangerous and neglectful environment, and the grandmother evidently cannot be trusted. This is a safeguarding issue and social services might get involved if they know that the father has unsupervised access while under the influence of drugs and alcohol to such a degree. It doesn't sound as if the father can remain off substances without a period of professional rehabilitation, and if he carries on hanging around with people who are like him then he stands no chance. He sounds like a loser and not an appropriate role model to your son.

I suggest that you tell him that he cannot see his son, and if he wishes to challenge that decision then he can take you to family court. It doesn't sound like he has the money or the motivation to do that.

Given his drug-alcohol history, you could ask the courts to arrange supervised access in a contact centre. It would help if you keep a diary of what the father has done to concern you, with dates. If you have evidence of, say, criminal or driving convictions linked to substance abuse then it would help your case. When your son is older, you can explain how it is and he can decide if he wants to see him. However, right now he is young and requires your sound judgment to keep him safe.

What a fucking deadleg

You would be a fool to trust him

Contact centre or nothing is the way to go

Is there a way he can prove that he's clean and sober or a way you can know for definite? And has he ever tried to sort himself out like this before?
If he is actually sorted out long term and you don't let your son see his dad there is the possibility that when he's older he might feel upset that he didn't get that chance.
But he has put your son at risk in the past and not taken the chances offered; also six months is not a long time in terms of keeping away from drugs and alcohol so you could perhaps tell him that he needs to prove this over longer and that he could start off by writing a letter or card to your son that you could read to him.
If you do let him see him then tell him it has to be in a contact centre and supervised by a professional; his mum has proven that she cannot be trusted and by formal supervision they will stop the contact if he's under the influence. Also he would have to pay for that so it would demonstrate a level of commitment from him.

Don't let an alcoholic into your son's life. He will let him down over and over. I think if your ex was going to change it would have happened when you were pregnant or when you initially ended it.

I wouldn't let him back. My ex has messed my DD about like this for years(no drink or drugs issues). He disappeared for nearly two years, begged to be let back in and I stupidly agreed...low and behold, he's abandoned her again after seeing her regularly for a year and I'm left to mop up her tears. She's slowly starting to realize my DP, who has been in her life since she was 1, is more of a father to her than he could ever be.

Regarding the drink and drugs, if he took you to court surely he wouldn't have a hope in hell of getting unsupervised access? Anyway, I doubt he'd even be bothered to go to court by the sounds of him.

You've given him multiple chances and he's blown them.

I must say his mum is just as bad leaving him with your son. She should have known better. I'd have been livid with her for lying that she'd be there.

He can take it to court if he wants access.