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Relationships

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Original poster

DH business ruining our marriage

24 replies

PumpFanLamp · 14/07/2017 11:09

Anyone have any positive stories about their partner starting a business and how you overcame the stress of it all or did it not work out?
I'm at the point where I want to leave my husband but feel so trapped.

For background my husband started a business a few years ago. It's been ongoing changing and redesigning and so the product hasn't been able to be sold yet. Goals aren't met. Time frames change and I had no input or say into the start of this business as I was a sahm. Now I'm back at work and dh is sahd and works on his business.

But I find I'm just so resentful. I'm having to work stupid hours to keep the house running. The stuff I did as sahm doesn't get done, no washing, no cleaning, very basic childcare because the focus is getting this product finished. I'm just finding it all horrific. We have no relationship. When I was a sahm and he worked a job it was shit because he would come home and work in on his designs etc but at least the wage was higher (stable) and the house was clean and children entertained. Now I feel like it's the worst of both worlds and I have no idea on an end point.

Anyone else go through the hard years and it improve once it's up and running.

I'm so sad.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 14/07/2017 12:42

I feel your pain except in my case I work in the business too, all I can say is when it's up and running their will be different issues but they don't go away, I feel our business has ruined our relationship to an extent as it occupies both our minds and I get treated and shouted at like an employee too . All I can say is give it a timeframe and beyond that tell him to give up! Or get a paying job

JamieLannisterToMyBedchamber · 14/07/2017 12:54

No finished product = not a business!

TwatteryFlowers · 14/07/2017 13:21

It sounds like he's got a hobby and is dressing it up as a business in order to avoid actually having to work.

Tell him how you feel and give him an end point: if it's not finished by X date then he must put it to one side and get an actual job. Either that or pay out for a cleaner.

laughingnow · 14/07/2017 13:35

This does sound familiar. I reluctantly got on board with the business but it dominated everything and the kids weren't happy either. I tried everything, was very positive for ages but eventually I called the marriage a day. I divorced him, and said I hoped he and his business would be very happy together. Of course he then sold it. He doesn't really have a relationship with the kids (now grown up) and I've never regretted splitting for a moment. I hugely regret marrying someone who though his aspirations trumped those of the rest of the family. Good luck.

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 13:42

I feel your pain and was just opening MN to post a topic of my own. To make matters worse, DH is also complaining all the time that we don't have enough money, oh dear how will we manage. And it's not even a product about to take off in his case, it will always be like that.
He could make 10x his current income if he just got a job in any company in the field, but instead of that, he prefers to do the same work with his own company, be his own boss. Of course it's nice and comfy.
I'm actually sitting here in tears, all the stress is on my shoulders. I really don't know what to do. Should I just split the bills and ask him to find the money, I don't care how?

Original poster

PumpFanLamp · 14/07/2017 13:52

Sorry to hear others struggling.

I was a sahm and was permanently thought of as lazy as he had a job and did this work at home as well. Suddenly it's all gone quiet now I'm back at work full time. Nobody feels sorry for me having to work all the hours God sends while he focuses on this fucking start up.

Any savings or money we get is just used to cover expenses for having only me work.

I've given a deadline and said a thousand times how unhappy with this I am but it falls on deaf ears. I can't afford to move out or I would do. I'm so sick of living in a shit mess. Why should I have to pay for a cleaner because someone eats without a plate or doesn't do any washing? It's not him paying.

I just hate him.

OP posts:

caffelatte100 · 14/07/2017 14:23

Sorry to hear it's so hard. What's your view about the business? Do you think he's onto a winner with his idea and plan?

How long has he been working on it? Can he get some business help (from someone in the field, friend or family member, friend of a friend etc( to help direct him?

He sounds like he won't be happy either at the moment. It must be frustrating him too and he would know your relationship isn't on track either.

The eating without a plate would just annoy me!!!! Unnecessary. Sounds a bit hopeless.

lifeinthecountry · 14/07/2017 14:24

I was in a similar situation, only the business was mine not my exh's. When it began to take off, exh left his job to work p/t in the business and look after our new baby. Only he never really did either, mostly just acted as if he was retired and acquired a lot of hobbies. The business still continued to grow and was very successful - unfortunately, if anything, running a growing business is even more difficult and demanding on your relationship. Yes, you now have money, but unless you were on the same page in the first place and equally committed both to the business and finding some level of work-life balance, it's going to place even more pressure on you. It's likely that you will feel even more resentful, and with good reason, especially as he didn't take time to get you on board in the first place.

Sorry, but these early days of struggle are just a portent of what's to come. My exh and I split up for many reasons but the pressure of running the business through all its ups and downs (and having absolutely no free time) was one. The difference between us was that I loved it and he hated it - he found it extremely stressful even though he only worked a few hours a week, I think it was just the idea of it (he also refused to get another job instead and was salmon fishing 5 days a week by the end, but that's another thread). He was very supportive at the beginning but it turned into something he hated.

My point is, even once your dh has launched his product, and even if it is wildly successful, things are unlikely to improve much and may get a lot worse. You need to decide how much you personally are willing to sacrifice for his idea.

I agree with others, I think it's time for you both to agree a deadline by which the business either begins to take off (at least gets a minimum viable product up for sale) or he goes back to work full-time. If this has been going on for a few years, he should have some sense by now of whether it's going to be successful or not. In the meantime, could he get a part-time job so the burden isn't completely on you?

KungFuEric · 14/07/2017 14:35

Is he actually making any money?

yetmorecrap · 14/07/2017 14:37

Life in the country, Yep I made the same point, different pressures but still lots of them

WrongPlaceWrongTime · 14/07/2017 14:44

Similar situation and not a happy ending I'm afraid. The business became the most important thing and me and the dcs suffered massively (although he would never admit to that). Decree nisi granted and in court next week to unpick the awful mess his financials have left us in. I wish you luck OP, sorry I can't be more positive.

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 14:49

To be fair, I do have a friend whose DH worked all hours in his business, business took off, he sold it and stayed as employee and they're now living happily.

So if you ask him to set a deadline, he just doesn't want to commit to any? Or does and then forgets about them?

SheldonsSpot · 14/07/2017 14:51

A business that is a few years old and has no completed product, no sales, no profit, is not a business, it's pie in the sky, a pipe dream, nothing more.

I would be insisting DH gets a proper job, if issue an ultimatum and mean it.

Allthepinkunicorns · 14/07/2017 16:34

If he's not making any money after 2 years I think you have been more than patient and should tell him he needs to return to work even if its part time so he shows a commitment to you as a family and his business. I run my own business so I understand it can be time consuming and money sapping but if he still hasn't got a product after all this time I would be seriously asking what he has been doing all this time? And I would keep on going with the business if I was close to getting products out but also work on the side by temping or getting a part time job until I was able to support myself. I feel he is taking advantage of you.

Purplepicnic · 14/07/2017 16:39

Why can't you afford to leave? You're the one with the full time job.

Original poster

PumpFanLamp · 14/07/2017 19:35

He's not worked for a few months in a paid job for a few months since I returned to work but my complaint really is that we're actually worse off because he's technically taken on my old role except he does none of the shit work like cleaning etc. So I'll finish work and come back and do all that. Plus his idea of childcare is limited by the fact he needs to finish the product so children are pretty much left to their own devices (tv).
It infuriates me that as a sahm I spent so long taking them out and doing things and now they're just festering on front of the TV and on my days off I'm so tired I have so little motivation to do anything or I'm doing 3 piles of washing.

I can't afford to leave. My name is on rental and I wouldn't want to keep it. Plus he half jokingly said to me that I'd have to give him csa payments as he''s the primary carer now. I've said a deadline. I've said I'm unhappy. I've said I want to leave.
I get no response.

OP posts:

Original poster

PumpFanLamp · 16/07/2017 11:49

Yet another argument. I've said I'm leaving and I might just have to do it. He''s not changing anytime soon so I guess I'll have to. Looked into getting my name off the rental agreement.
I've just spend another half hour scrubbing carpets where children's food has been left on it. I got told he's sick of my attitude. I'm sick of it too. I'm a horrible person right now and I can't take anymore of this. It's disgusting. Coming home to ground in dirt. Toilets that are filthy.

I'm so angry.

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 16/07/2017 16:53

Good for you starting the ball rolling, he is taking you for a complete mug. You are the one with a full time job, you and dc will be fine

MummyShah369 · 03/04/2018 18:04

How long has he been working on the business if it's a few months then he needs more time. Also can he get part time job whilst building the business... ?

historyrepeatsitself · 03/04/2018 22:12

my experience is that running your own business can be the best form of work when it is going strong ten times better than being employed

to maintain it in a strong position you need to be prepared to sacrifice massive amounts of time and energy unfortuantely whilst you are building it up and running it this negatively impacts family and partner time

you only get one life depends what is most important to you.

my ex gave me lots of ultimatiums which I ignored

imho men tend to see work as their only life goal and are entirely ego driven in this regard until later in life they loose their family or their health and wonder why they put their life energy into work which will simply forget them soon after they turn to dust

people work to get money and status unfortunately the media feeds us dreams that we are made to feel we need to attain so we work more and more and more because we always need more

why aren't humans ever satisfied with what they have

topcat2014 · 03/04/2018 22:20

Sounds like this isn't a business. What takes two years to get going?

Most established businesses would look for any new investment to start paying back after six months

(unless we are talking crossrail or something).

Is it worth getting some kind of mentor to help with a business plan to see if this thing will ever fly?

PoorYorick · 03/04/2018 22:23

I'm sorry you're going through all this. If you did leave, you could still take the kids. It sounds as though you're the better parent, working or not.

PoorYorick · 03/04/2018 22:24

Is it worth getting some kind of mentor to help with a business plan to see if this thing will ever fly?

How much would that cost?

BritInUS1 · 03/04/2018 22:59

This is an old thread, so the OP might not now reply

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