Some perspective/a handhold please

[SashayAway]

Am a regular poster. I need some perspective and a handhold please. I will try not to dripfeed.

This morning I came downstairs with 11mo and found dp asleep on the sofa drunk/hungover at 7am (a regular enough occurrence). A blinding row ensued when he told me he wouldn't be coming to the hospital apt for her this morning as he would be working (read in bed hungover) and she then emptied the beer he'd left all over the floor and herself.

He accused me of being unreasonable as I've had 'a year long holiday' of maternity leave. For info, we have no family close by for support and DD is a terrible sleeper. I'm also unreasonable as he reckons I'm unappreciative as he thinks he has provided for us all year (he hasn't, I have continued to pay half the bills despite not earning an income). When I disputed this he left the room not before squaring up to my face saying we'd have to have a talk later.

DD crawled after him into the kitchen and when I followed to get her he went berserk screaming at me to get out. He picked up the high chair and came at me with it, all the time screaming

I'm numb to be honest. This behaviour isn't uncommon, he has thrown stuff at the walls/broken things in temper before. When he's not working or working into the night, he goes to the pub or he's in bed because he's stayed up late or is hungover. I don't get any support looking after DD. I never get to go out to do anything in the evenings. I do every nappy, bath, meal, doctor/hospital appointment. I feel so resentful but I mostly feel so sad for her.

He is now going to blame me saying I provoked him into this. He never accepts responsibility for anything. I don't know what to do, I have no family close by. Please be kind MN, I'm feeling very vulnerable.

Phone Women's Aid.

Sorry this will not get better, and you need to get him out. He is violent (may not have hit you yet) and a drunk.
This is no way to live. I would also get legal advice because you don't want him having contact while drunk. Alanon might be helpful too.

Where are your family?
Do you need to stay where you are for your job?
When do you go back to work?
A break away with your family might be a good start.

Definitely call Womens Aid.
He's been abusing you for years and you need some support with that.
Get onto CAB and find out what you would be entitled to if you were to separate.
He's an abuser and an alcoholic, you need to get your DD as far away from his possible.
She is currently learning some awful things about relationships and what women 'put up' with.
If you remain she will find someone just like your current DP.
What would you say to her if she was living your life when she grows up!?
I know what you'd say!
So why are you putting up with it and why make her go through it at such a young age?
Do yourself and DD a favour and get away quick sharp!

I know your family isn't close by, but could you still go to them? Your partner is a violent drunk. Is this really the environment you want your daughter to be raised in?

They are in another country and as it happens on holiday anyway at the minute. I'm back to work next week

He's saying I don't have any understanding of his mental health problems and if I did wouldn't be arguing with him. He's also saying would I think twice if he 'self harmed or worse' honestly he doesn't see how abusive he is.

He says I'm trying to punish and hurt him and push him over the edge. He's hurt, and not sure he'll ever trust me again.

You have to leave before your child gets hurt

It's just a matter of time

when are you next seeing your health visitor ?
you need to tell someone urgently
think of your baby if you can't think about it being for you

Honestly, he DOES see how abusive he is and he knows it WORKS. Who gives a fuck if he ever trusts you again! You need to get out. If not right this minute, then as soon as humanly possible. Fuck his threats of self-hate and suicide. He's an emotional terrorist and he will never, ever change.