Marriage in trouble, anything else other than relate?

[wangle99]

I know my marriage is in trouble. DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 13. Have DD 9 and DS 3.

Have been through an awful lot together but feel now we are living almost separately, bickering all the time, children suffering etc.

Really don't fancy relate, apart from the baby sitting issue I don't think that is the way for us.

Are there any books worth reading to get things back on track? Websites? Anyway else? Or is Relate the only answer?

Or anyone got any advice on here

Thanks

What puts you off counselling ?

Its the thought of discussing with someone unknown. Plus we have trouble finding people to look after our children.

I just worry it would turn into a 'well he does this' 'and she does that' type of thing.

I'm scared really.

What are you scared about?

coming out of counselling bickering even more than we went in.

I just want something to work, I think if we don't do something it will get to the point where we cannot carry on.

The councillors could really help you throught that. They wouldn't let you pay to sit there and blame each other they would be more constructive. Plus someone elses perspective always sheds new light on things. You do have to have child care though.
Have you got any family who could step in and give you some time together?
It really sound like you need to address this together and thats imo how counselling is more do able rather than reading books etc.
Have you told him how you feel? Maybe you could both write down your feelings and then try to work through them constructively if you are worried it would become a blaming session?

Best mates going through relate atm. Both of them rave about it. Not sure if it'll save theior marriage, but sounds liek they really know their shit...
For basic psychology, I LOVE "The family & how to survive it" (John Cleese & someone...)

Men are from mars, women are from venus is pretty good

It's a good starting point that you have decided to do something about it does your dh feel the same ?

we bought a really good book.its called something like 'top ten communication tips for couples'.so everytime we have a discussion we remember what the book says-its like an invisible referee!

seriously though agreeing to stick to the boks tips has helped us sort out our big issues.

they actually warn you when you go to relate that if it causes more arguments - to stop.

relate is good becuase i think - a thrid person being there puts my concerns into context.

so if something pisses me off and i say it at the time and from dh i get an argument or a "yeah whatever" attitude - suddenly infront of another person my dh can HEAR what i am saying - see how other people might actually see his behaviour as being a fucking bastard - realise he has been a fucking bastard and apologises and one would hope learns from it.

however the first time we went he said " i'm not going again if all thats going to happen is that its a bashing session for me"

so i have to be careful of that - becuase although i don't profess to be perffect in any way - my dh has little about me to say - becuase i havent done anything wrong.

"I just worry it would turn into a 'well he does this' 'and she does that' type of thing. " Ah, but the secret ingredient of counsellors is that they are skilful in facilitating it so that that doesn't happen! And id therefore a quite differnt appraochthan the one you two usually find yourselves in!

relate on your own is excellent too - it can be really good to have some sessions each on your own, they are more than happy to do this

Thank you every one, tiredness suddenly hit last night and I just had to go to bed!

We live next door to my inlaws, MIL would babysit but presumably would have to tell her where we were going. At the moment everything just seems so much effort.

DH doesn't think there is as much a problem as I do but to be honest his family situation as growing up wasn't 'typical' and I don't think he really knows how a relationship should be.

We married young, too young I can see now but of course we wouldn't be told that at the time!

I will look into Relate. I feel DH might also say 'oh yes a bashing session for me' although I realise the blame doesn't lie totally with him. But he can be a useful prat sometimes sigh .

Message withdrawn

no you dont have to tell MIL where you are going. just say you need soem time together to talk things over, go out for a drink/meal whatever. espcialy if she knwos that things have been strained between you

i knwo its an effort but geting divorced will be even more hassle

do you think you coudl be depressed ( as well as your rel probelsm I mean)? Might explain why you are so exhaused? You need energy to work on your marriage

I do suffer from depression and am on anti-depressants. Have been since the birth of DS 3 years ago. Hoping the lighter evenings will help as dark evenings so depressings generally!

I do want this to work so badly, I think DH and I could be so much more of a team and be good together!

I really do appreciate all your comments - thank you.

I'm sure if you told him how strongly you feel about making things better he might give Relate a go with you. You don't have to commit to it just see how it goes. It's quite common for many couples to only attend one session to point them in the right direction. Agree with Kristina just tell mil you need some quality time together. Maybe she might offer to do it more ?

i'd recommend ?divorce busting' or 'divorce remedy' by Michele Weiner Davis, both available on amazon. She focusses on solution based therapy rather than traditional going on and on about the past. Focussing on what works and positive present and future actions rather than focussing on what doesn't work. Much morer positive approach. I stared marriage guidance a couple of weeks ago but am thinking of ditching it in favour of this book (I have the former) as It just suits my view better. I'd rather look forward with positive actions than backwards at negative ones

I also like John Cleese "Life and How to Survive It". It's very good for helping understand the kind of dysfunctions that get perpetuated in families generation after generation that may be at the root of a couple's misunderstandings, and it's much easier to move on if you understand them and how silly they are.

I would also recommend counselling. There are some excellent counsellors out there - try your GP and see if you can get a few sessions on the NHS, preferably just for you, before embarking on couples therapy. A few sessions on your own can really help get your strength up.