Early days of separation, please tell me it gets easier

[Dragonbreath8]

Hi, my DH moved out a month ago. Thought i was getting stronger but have had a bloody awful emotional week. Back story is we have been together 15 years, married for 7 and 2 dc under 4. Earlier this year he did the whole 'i'm not sure how I feel about you anymore' while swearing that there was nobody else. After another few months of dicking around/messing with my head, he confessed to an affair with a work colleague. Like a mug I still wanted to try and make it work but after a few days he admitted he wasn't up for trying, had no feelings left for me etc. He has not moved in with OW (she has a partner and kids) but I suspect it's still going on. I am trying to be as practical as I can e.g. have sought legal advice, keeping busy with dcs and have lots of RL support. Relationship with DH is very far from friendly but he sees the dcs regularly. He is sticking his head in the sand about divorce. He is behaving like a massive dickhead (passive aggressive threats about taking the children and nastiness to me) so although in my heart of hearts I know there's no way back for us, I am still in that early devastation phase wondering where my loving husband has gone. Guess I'm looking for support/hope that things will get easier in time! Thanks x

Anyone up?

Hi Dragonbreath8,

I didn't want to leave you unanswered. I'm sorry he's acting like such a fool.

Have you visited the surviving infidelity website? It's full of people who have been offered though the same thing. They so have lots of articles that may help you, like how to pull the 180.

I'm sorry I can't be much more help.

*Not offered but been through!

Thanks for replying. I haven't and will check it out xx

Sympathy OP, that is bloody awful, you are doing great under very trying circumstances, keep going, you have grounds to divorce him so do it; he's probably hedging his bets if things don't work out with OW and he can come crawling back to you, don't take him back, you deserve a zillion time better than him!

Thanks Adora, that's what I think is happening too. He has shown himself to be such a weak willed, cruel, selfish bastard that I don't think I could ever look at him in the same way again. But this week has been the hardest yet for some reason and I have been crying over the lovely person he was. I have no idea how some can change so fundamentally over time but he really has. Feel so incredibly sad x

I know OP, it's awful, the things I read on here about the way men are treating women it really makes me mad; blatantly showing fuck all respect never mind compassion but yet the women cling on regardless, are these men super human or something because no human has the right to treat anyone like shit, but yet, they go back for more of the same, thanks god I brought my daughter up to have more love for herself than anyone else because I would be distraught if she was putting up with half the shit on here women are enduring.

Keep going OP, you know deep down he's not that man anymore; that nice person is long gone, once their head is turned they seem to morph into the nastiest shits alive.

Oh my lovely, I have been exactly where you are now! I am 7 months on from the day I chucked him out after finding out about a long affair. I thought the pain would kill me! I thought I would never survive on my own. I couldn't see how I was strong enough to get through it... but I am!
I'm not going to lie, it's been brutal. Hard doesn't do it justice. But I'm surviving, the kids are ok and I'm slowly starting to make a new life for myself. I've found a job (I was a SAHM) I'm looking at houses for me and the kids, I've started college and I'm slowly, very slowly, starting to get stronger.
My advice would be to divorce him straight away if that's the way you want to go. I knew mine felt guilty and I knew there was no way back for us once I knew the gory details so I started the divorce process before I even told him I knew about the affair. This way I've negotiated a much better settlement for me and the kids than if I had waited a year, because he feels incredibly guilty. X

Thank you all. It is shit to know that so many others have been/are in this situation. How depressing that there seem to be so many weak bastards out there masquerading as decent guys. Passthebiscuits that's also what I was thinking. As hard as it is to pull the plug and talk divorce, that's why I've taken legal advice. He swings between guilty and arsehole so feel its better to move forward now. Well done as sounds like you have handled things amazingly. I will take strength from that.

I think what you are describing is stages of bereavement OP, I was just the same, in total shock/denial (that he wanted a divorce) for ages, am gradually getting sadder now. You may get very angry soon! We have decree Nisi already though, I would try your best to get on with it if you can. Good luck

You've done the right thing getting lawyer advice. You need to safeguard yours and your children's interests. He has shown himself NOT to be your friend.

You will be going through awful ,awful feelings. And the all - consuming questions are always 'why is he being like this? ', how can he treat me this way?' And that one... 'where is the lovely man I married?''

Unfortunately, the answer to the last question is that the lovely man will not come back, and he may never have been the lovely person you thought he was. This question can become obsessive. My H became emotionally abusive so that, like you, I had two dcs under 4 and I was utterly devastated and spent all my headspace thinking 'where oh where had the 'old DH' gone? Eventually, that question becomes less and less relevant - you may never get an answer -as time moves on and you re-calibrate your feelings about him. At the moment it is all still shock and hurt. It's grief and it is huge and what people will always tell you about grief is that it goes in stages, in no particular order, and the only way to deal with it is to go through it and accept that it is a process that you will get through.

In the meantime, get as much support as you can get. Hire a really good lawyer and divorce his sorry backside. I'm so sorry you are going through this... you deserve better. He has shown his true colours and they are not pretty. Do not feel pity or guilt - he showed no compassion for you in shagging someone else, and instead of being contrite he is making threats about the children to scare you (who the fuck does that?) and is generally being a shit.

Good luck.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply everyone. It really does feel like i'm grieving, for the life we had and for the future I thought we had. But I do feel stronger this week. He is behaving like such a cowardly, hypocritical shit that he's helping me forget who he used to be. It's bloody hard to like this version, let alone love him. The kids are doing well which is the main thing and i'm continuing to seek practical advice about separation. He can stick his mid-life crisis up his arse. By the time he comes out of it i'll be long gone. Discovering strength I didn't know I had!