When you really don't want the sex

[goggygeeah]

Married to DH coming up 12 years. 3dc ages 9, 6 & 2. I've gone to never being that into it but really trying (quite quickly to) going through the motions to recently now actively disliking sex with DH. Dreading it actually. It's not that I want it with someone else, I just don't want it. I feel i could do without it forever, I honestly do. I have been at various times on the pill & ADs which have affected libido but am on nothing now. We use condoms and I guess there is an underlying anxiety about falling pregnant again which doesn't help (but DH won't consider the snip unfortunately so I will look into sterilization at some point).
We've been chugging along, not going more than 1-2 wks without - because I'm afraid of what it means for our relationship if it goes longer - but I don't know if I can do it anymore.

What can I do?? I don't want to never have it because of the implications for us. But he always wants to drag it out and the kissing - I'm really not up for that.

Honestly if I never did it when I didn't feel like it, it would never happen.

Has anyone been in this position? Any tips? Was thinking if I should try to see a counselor maybe?

I know ideally we'd talk it through but we're not great at that. And sadly he's really quite self absorbed he hardly seems to notice that I'm not into it. He hasn't got any idea really:

Uhhh even though you guys haven't talked about it, you really should. It'll be awkward. It may be uncomfortable.

You both need to understand how each other feels regarding this topic.

I am just the same! I'm not really sure what the answer is. I've never been that fussed about sex but in the last few years I've really gone off it, especially kissing....I think that's a really bad sign if you don't want to kiss anymore. I think it's hard to get that sexual chemistry back once it's gone? I love my DH but sex is routine and boring, and to be honest, I haven't got the energy or time to do anything about it. We do it about once a week but for me it's almost like a chore. I would rather read my book with the precious few minutes I get once the kids are in bed. My DH is blissfully unaware of my feelings. I don't know what the answer is but I do think it's almost impossible to get that spark back when you're trying to juggle a million other things. It should be kind of effortless anyway...that desire to have sex...but it's not for me anymore! Watching with interest...

do you think you could be asexual?

You need to talk with your husband and have your testosterone levels checked. Yes, testosterone. It great affects a woman's sex drive and is often plummeted by child birth and age.

If there was no pressure, you weren't a mum, you didn't feel any obligation or guilt and you saw your DH in a pub or walking down the road, would you fancy him? Do you fancy randoms; like see someone in the street and think "mmm"? Do you feel like sex? Generally, not just with him?

And sadly he's really quite self absorbed he hardly seems to notice that I'm not into it. This was telling for me. If he doesn't care about your pleasure, what's the point? Sex is supposed to be fun. Enjoyable for everyone. If DH didn't care what I was feeling, I'm fairly sure he wouldn't be getting any.

I found I was generally very unaroused when ds was small. Libido has increased again in recent years. I have to say that when I was feeling that way, I would have said that was always true, but I'm not sure that it was.

I don't know what the answer is. I started reading literotica and that helped me recognise the twinges of arousal I occasionally had, which were so minimal I'd previously not noticed them, and that fed on itself. But I do like how dh looks which sure helps. Is it the fact of kissing you don't like or the particular style?

Have you ever enjoyed sex with a partner?
If so was it different to your husband? Maybe you need to switch things up a bit to be interested

Asexual is also a possibility and if so then you need to let your husband know how you feel

I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was begrudgingly agreeing to very occasional sex. Sex should be enthusiastic not something you go along with or go through the motions. Are you sure your husband has no idea you feel this way? He may be able to tell you're not that into it.

If your relationship is otherwise fine, I would go to the gp and get checked out as a starting point.

I do notice, however, you don't say anywhere that you love dh or what anything else is like in the marriage.

Have you ever enjoyed sex before With him or any other men? Do you know what you enjoy? It's very hard for DH to help you enjoy it if you don't even know what you like. Do you do same old sex routine each time?

Could you even start just with making the effort with more physical contact, more kisses and cuddles etc.

Perhaps you have low libido yes, or you could just be really bored of it

I've not slept with anyone else ever. No I don't ever look at someone I don't know and think 'phwoar' but I've always been like that - fancied people and got a fluttery tummy feeling but more in a romantic way.
He does/did care about my pleasure in that earlier in our marriage he was surprised i didn't come every time because he said his previous partners always did (!). He likes it when I do but sometimes when I'm tired and I just want it over asap and he's drawing it out because he wants to pleasure me, but I can tell there's no prospect of that happening and I'm really not into it...... agh it's really tricky. He's done that less lately though.

I don't know about being assexual - not for a good while but occasionally having been not hugely keen I do then get into it and orgasm. I also masturbate quite regularly and like erotic fiction. But it's almost like I prefer that because it's safer and I'm im in control. I was into passionate kissing and fumbling when we first got together but that was a sort of 'first flush' type of thing and possibly heightened because we'd decided to wait for marriage for full sex (my choice due to religious fervour at the time!).
When we got married, sex was painful and I was so disappointed about that. Luckily having 3 kids sorted that out and now it doesn't hurt anymore.

There's probably a lot going on. The relationship has some issues - it's not terrible but it's not great either. I have tried to talk about things more lately because I had a good think and decided I want to make this work. This has helped a little bit but I'm always reluctant to share emotional stuff with him because in the past I've not got the response I need/want and have ended up feeling worse. That's pretty sad isn't it.

Anyway it's good to know I'm not the only one....

Not bloody surprising you have got some barriers if it used to be painful.

I would suggest sex therapy tbh.

Of course another factor is probably that I'm overweight and not feeling good about my body, I don't think that ever helps. Dh is also quite a big man (tall and broad) so I can often feel literally smothered and squashed.

Do you look for positions where that doesn't happen?

Sometimes I go on top but if I'm half asleep and not that keen that takes a lot more effort I suppose. I also have to be quite into it for that as it can be more uncomfortable because of the angle. Maybe I should try and do that more. It means I have to be a more active participant and can't just lie there.

Yes, I did used to feel like you. I too honestly believed if I never had sex again or was never kissed again it would be a day too soon. Then I left my ex and met a new man, a year into that relationship I actively want sex, I want to be held by him and I want to be kissed by him. For me it was not a case of not wanting sex, it was not wanting sex with the wrong man.

Not if it's uncomfortable!

You're clearly not asexual. Your sexual history hasn't been straightforward, and at least some of the time it has been actively unpleasant (I used to wonder if men really thought having a stick pushed into your privates was in any way intrinsically fun). You fear pregnancy. You have a 2 year old. It would be more surprising if you were sexually enthusiastic tbh.

What physical touch and sensation do you actually like? I'm a massive fan of feathery stroking and having my head/hair played with, and i have a husband who will do that - previous partners never would. I like having my feet played with but sadly have never found anyone who will do that. What would give you pleasure, what would you look forward to?

Your relationship doesn't sound fine to me.

Not because of the currently mismatched libido, but because of the lack of communication.

"I know ideally we'd talk it through but we're not great at that"

It's so hard that I'm not sure it's possibe to communicate well about potentially sensitive issues if you can't talk much about anything.

Improving communication require both of you to make an effort. Can you see any ways in which this could happen?

I'm the same Goggy due to the menopause. I simply do not want to be bothered by sex anymore my ex is crazy about it so we're getting divorced.
You have to both agree to it for a sexless marriage to work or agree on an open marriage but I find it rarely ends well.
I'm happy to be getting divorced, it;s better than having sex I don't want.

Thank you for the responses. Lots to mull over. It's all quite jumbled up - is my dislike of sex a symptom of the problems in our relationship? Or a separate thing? Possibly a bit of both I think. The relationship isn't perfect but we sort of chug along most of the time. And even when I thought things were better with the relationship I wasn't and never have been a big fan of the sex. But then it hasn't ever been as bad as it is now in terms of me dreading it, and feeling anxious about it. I was thinking of trying to see someone from relate by myself....
I'm wondering if I should bring it up with DH. Maybe commit to once a week but really try to actively participate in that once a week occurrence? I guess I'd be basically saying - this is what I can give you, sorry if it's not enough, take it or leave it? Any other thoughts on how I/we can move forward are welcome x

Relate sex therapy is very good.