Separation and new GF- Feel so conflicted

[bobbycock79]

Would appreciate some alternative viewpoints/perspective.
Back in Jan my BIL (DH’s bro) left my SIL after 10 years of marriage and 2 DC. It came out of the blue for all of us, not least my SIL who was and still is devastated. Although we weren’t super close we would meet up every school holiday and have fun days out as our kids are similar ages and they would often come to stay for the weekend . I always got on well with her and really feel for her.
At the time he left BIL said no-one else was involved but fast forward a couple of months and of course a ‘new’ girlfriend has emerged who just happens to have been working in his office for the last year. Things have moved quickly and they are now living together, going on foreign holidays together etc. My DNiece and Nephew have been forced to spend ‘their’ weekends with the new gf and her kids. I know they feel very confused and upset by it all and are now not wanting to see him with her. Instead of trying to regain their trust BIL just says ‘well, that’s their choice’ and seems to be enjoying the child-free life.
I really feel unsettled by this situation and resentful that BIL now wants to visit for a weekend without my DN and DN and bring his new gf instead. I feel like it’s too soon and frankly I don’t want to meet her after what she (and he) have done. DH is close to his brother and says It’s not my business to judge and wants them to come.
I feel like having them here is supporting their relationship and being disloyal to SIL/DN/DNeph. I don’t know if how I am feeling is normal or reasonable.

I would speak to your SIL and tell her that they are going to be visiting and your DH has made it clear you don't have an option. She can't blame you for that, they are brothers at the end of the day.
Secondly I would use this to your advantage and maybe talk to BIL to tell him what a twat he's being regarding his children!!

I totally understand how you feel. If he came and brings new GF I would take my kids away for the weekend. What a robber. I can see its difficult for your dh but you don't have to be there.

I was in your SIL's position a few years ago and I was very hurt when I saw photos of exH with his new GF (who was the OW) and exSIL and MIL on Facebook- mainly because they had been acting very supportive towards me and the DC and hadn't told me they were meeting her. Looking back objectively now I can see they were put in an impossible situation and I don't blame them.

I would say meet her, but try and maintain your friendship with SIL too, she will really appreciate it.

Thanks for the replies, I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. I will definitely speak to SIL first. I really do want to just go away for the weekend but I know that would p*ss off DH . However I think I will not be able to hide my disapproval or be a good host if they come.

I wouldn't have them over, I don't care if they were family, or if my dh got pissy... the mans not even bothering with his kids! Your husband should be telling him to get a grip and see them not have a crap attitude and when he sorts his self out properly that he can stay over.

I think that your DH should try and talk some sense into the silly fool, brother to brother. BiL could ruin his relationship with his kids long term. This rebound woman will not be around forever and she's not worth it.

I definitely think that you should let your sil know that your DH has invited them to stay. She'll understand that they are brothers and that relationship won't change even though theirs has ended.

Having said that, I don't think I could bring myself to be there for the weekend. Not because of the cliched way he's ended his marriage largely because of the cliched way he's ended his marriage but because of the appalling lack of consideration he's showing for the feelings of his children. I don't think I'd be able to stay at home and play happy families with this man and the new girlfriend. I'd be telling my DH that it was up to him who he invited in to our home but that I didn't want to be a part of it, so would be taking myself and the DC off to see their cousins for the weekend. And what sort of a person is she that she's not disgusted with him for waving goodbye to his relationship with his children just because they don't want to spend time with her?

It's unreasonable to say they can't come over.

I do find that in general, though not all, men can be quick to hop into a new relationship and they don't think about the kids.

I know you don't want to be there when they visit. It's easy to say don't judge, but we all do at some point. Your BIL knows this hence he wasn't honest about the OW.

My DH knows I'm dead against affairs and I actually would go away while they visited. He might not like it but, but it's better than me being unwelcoming to the new GF.

I'd just have to tell him I'm extremely uncomfortable with it and he can make whatever excuse he wants to his brother. I'm not going to play hostess for her.