Letting my daughters dad be my sons "dad" when we are not together?

[Nicki3933]

Hi
so I have an 11 month old daughter and a nearly 3 year old son. My daughters dad and I where never strictly together, it was a short "seeing how it goes" phase that fizzled in to nothing when he moved abroad but I fell pregnant. Thankfully, he is an amazing father to her. He pays child support, he is there whenever I need him and he see's her regularly.

My son's dad and I (they have different dad's) where in a very different position when he was conceived. I was with him from the age of 14 (he was 20) he was very abusive, both psychically and mentally. He beat me up regularly over silly matters such as getting text's from my friends. He cheated on me regularly (and didn't hide it, instead bragged about it to me) he alienated me from all my family and friends. At 18, thankfully I got out of the relationship and the police where involved. Shortly after their involvement, he moved half way across the country back to his family. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after he left. He knows about my son but every contact made with him was him issuing my son threats, telling me he hoped he died, he would kill him himself and how he never wants to see him and if he does, he will do something to him because he doesn't want a child. I don't have contact with this man anymore, nor do I want too. He has never met his son. Obviously I will always be honest to my son about who his father is, and if he want's to see him when he's an adult then that's his choice.

Me and my daughters dad will go out weekly when he comes down to collect his daughter, to the park etc with our daughter and my son. My son and him have created quite a bond with each other. I correct my son when he calls him "daddy" but he doesn't seem to listen. They talk on face-time and on the phone during the week and my son seems to really love him. My daughters dad thinks its sweet and says its fine if he wants to call him dad and talk to him like my daughter does. My daughters currently at her dads (has been there a week) today my son asked where she was and I said "she is at his name house" and he said "his name is my daddy, I want to see him too". I told him this and he said he is welcome to come up and he will be a "dad" to him if thats what we both want.

Me and my daughters dad aren't together, he is a lovely man but personally, I am not ready to commit myself to anyone and I want to focus on myself and rebuilding my life after my awful relationship.

Whats everyone's opinion on this? I know if we where together it would be a lot easier as he would just naturally take the step parent role. But because we aren't together, is it weird? wrong? for him to act the same towards my son as he does my daughter and to have a father son relationship with him?

I would cautiously approach this one with your dd's dad. Does he want to take on your ds as 'his' eg have him at his house/have official contact time?

I really feel for your little boy as he sees this man as a 'dad' and must feel confused when your daughter goes to visit.
Does he know he has a different dad?
I think what your ex is offering to do is great and if you are all comfortable with it then fine, but if you are going down this route your ex needs to commit as changing his mind down the line would be cruel and it's a big commitment when the child isn't his.

Did you accidentally leave your daughters name in that post op? You might want to try and get that edited x

I would try and relax and let the situation evolve between the three of them.

He is very supportive of his dd, so there's no fears of him not being on the scene.

He sounds really kind and is including your ds in his life with his little sister. Also he has offered, so it's not you pushing for this.

When your ds is older he will be able to understand the situation properly and appreciate what a stable role model he had with your exp.

This actually happened in my family.
My parents divorced when I was little but it was amicable and I saw dad regularly. When i was three my mum met someone and they had a baby but the guy buggered off, not wanted any contact with my little sister. As dad was coming around regularly my little sister developed a relationship with him too and when she started to talk called him dad (as she was hearing me say it). Dad said it was fine and ended up bringing up my sister as his own. It was funny as they actually had and still have more in common than I do with my dad, she's more like him than I am. When sis was in her teens her bio dad got in touch and now she has two dads. But her relationship with her bio dad is strained and she is closer to my dad.
So, in my experience, it can work. I guess only you know if your ex is kind, mature and responsible enough to take your ds on as his own because if he changes his mind down the track there is potential for there to be real heartache. Have you thought about the financial side of things too? Will your ex be prepared to spend an equal amount on both of the children for Xmas and bdaya for example? If not that will be glaringly obvious to the children as they grow older. What about your ex's parents and other family members? Will they our ds as part of their family? If not then again that would make life difficult for your ds.

Since you are not together as a couple I don't think you should encourage it.

Is he in love with you and hoping to get back together?

Presumably he's in it for the long haul because of your dd so I don't see a big problem with this but I would actually have a conversation with him along the lines of "this has to be for the long term."

I get why some might suggest you be careful, but families split up and when they do, some Dads (and some Mums) unfortunately walk away from their kids.

I don't think there's any more risk in your DDs Dad doing that than there would be for someone you end up marrying or forming a LTR with. If he was going to do a runner he wouldn't be seeing and paying maint for his daughter.

He sounds like a lovely man. Not the sort to drop your son like a hot potato. I'd perhaps not tell him your DD is at her dad's place and avoid him wanting to go there.

I think it's fine if all 4 of you are out together.

Does your son have any male role models in his life? Brother? Cousin?

Your Ex does sound like a really decent guy though.

I think it's a wonderful thing. No reason why he can't a child who isn't his own and deadbeat dad is out the picture.

I think either way could potentially cause problems in the future. If you encourage it, there is the risk that your dd's father won't be as committed to your ds and will cut ties with him if things break down in the future. Your ds is unlikely to understand this and it could cause him some serious turmoil thinking that he's been rejected by his father while his sister is still 'wanted'. Is he the sort of man who would do this? Would he treat the two equally? And that would mean equal time, treats, Christmas presents etc. You can't have one child with a sack of gifts and the other with a £5 book token. If he's going to take on the role of father figure, he has to commit to it. Is he the sort of man that would be willing to do this? Does he understand that allowing a little boy to think of him as 'dad' entails more than just buying an extra ice cream when they visit the park?

If you discourage it, he could start asking some difficult questions about his daddy, which you'd need to be prepared for. What would you say if he asked to see him?

I think, go for it, OP. This is a wonderful opportunity for your son to bond with a man.

I do know a family who did this as the older sibling felt left out but as the children got older it couldn't be sustained.

Haven't you posted this before? This is word for word same as a post from a few months back

I have seen this happen and work well. Also i have known it go wrong.

When it went wrong it was because the child really believed he was his dad. Everyone pretended he was.

I think its better if everyone is clear. That he isnt your dad but he really wants to spend time with you, do the things a dad would etc.

Tbh i dont see anything really wrong with it, if its dealt woyh correctly. Your son is hos dds half brother. Your son is important to her and so should be important to dds dad.

It will also depend on the ex new girlfriend where or not she will support the child who not bio .