Sorry, long.
My ex H moved out 15 months ago after a long stretch of flirting, sexting, registering on dating websites, as I later found out also using prostitutes (he says only after I denied sex). Unknowingly to him I had access to his phone / email for a long time and could see this going on for months on end. In addition he has been very poor parent, did nothing, didn’t engage with DC, didn’t want to do anything as a family etc, was very cold, quiet and private=secretive person (I later realized he is very self-centered and generally behaved as single)…. you get the picture.
Well he moved out, cried a bit then moved on. Several months later I started dating and found someone. Ex H found out – stepped up as a parent, took us for lunches, eventually we went on holiday with DC together (nothing sinister happened).. then we talked couple of times, he admitted his faults, apologized, he said he’s changed, he wants a 2nd chance and demanded that I dump my new boyfriend “for the sake of saving the family”. To which I responded that logically everyone deserves 2nd chance but my heart is not in it. Then he changed – he threatened contacting my BF, then stopping taking DC overnight (so I can’t see my BF overnight), then threatened suicide, then stopped seeing DC and has not seen them for 4 weeks now (DC are going to stay with my parents for summer holidays and this means he will not see them until September). I am yet to see if he will stop paying child maintenance.
I can see that ex H is desperate and desperately trying to manipulate his way into me giving him a 2nd chance (and I still feel for him here). When he was behaving “changed” and nice I had considered perhaps, if it wasn’t for my BF, I should give us a chance to try again…. But am I right to think that his threats and especially not seeing DC has shown his true colours and I absolutely should not give him a chance?
Now onto the BF.. We been together for 8 months. BF happened to be total opposite to ex H – hyper, affectionate, caring, attentive, chatty, loud, respectful to women, at the same time many female friends, but he is not afraid to talk about them, some are past exes. Slightly bothered me but as he is very open and willing to answer questions, I thought such an open person couldn’t possibly have hidden agenda, if he wanted to be with them, he would be! He tends to talk how serious he is about us, calls / text every day, always tells where he is. Generally when we meet he is loving and caring.
However, during this time I’ve been finding out that his words do not always match his actions – e.g. he lied that he doesn’t smoke, about certain things that he “hasn’t” done in bedroom, puts fake check-ins on FB, lies about non-essential things where truth could be told easily. Ah, he is convinced he is 5’11 while he is clearly 5’7 but I guess easier for him to believe that way, so I don’t mention it.
Fast forward to the last straw… Lately he added a boobilicious lady to his FB friends (who posts very dubious porn sort of stuff on her FB to attract males… ), and I went a bit furious - what can he have in common with her? He told me that he fixed her PC 10+ ago and she contacted him through his cousin when his relative died recently. I thought ok… but last night something got into me and I contacted her asking how do you know my BF? She told me, none of this was true, and he actually poked and waved her on FB, they chatted for a bit, but she is not interested.
I am pretty sure he has many more “friends” like that…
I told my BF I need some space to think. He doesn’t know that I contacted her, but we fell out about other stuff. I don’t know what to do. My heart says he cannot be trusted because he lies small things, so he could lie anything. My head says, he hasn’t actually cheated, it is only a small chat, maybe a small flirt, maybe a little flirt and salivating at boobs on FB is actually less harmless than paying for a shag like my ex H. He has not met her. Is it his self-esteem boost to have hot ladies on FB? Is it me sweating a small stuff?