Can I just leave?

[FallingRaindrops2015]

I have finally had enough after realising that the control, emotional abuse and bullying I've experienced at the hands of my DP will never stop and I need to leave.

We have one DC and my question is can I just leave with him?

I would be going to my mums and would not try to stop contact, would it be sufficient to put in writing to him a suggestion of say one evening per week and one day each weekend?

I am a SAHM and have never left him overnight (as I've not been 'allowed' to go out by my DP) so feel whole weekends would not be in DCs best interests yet, but could be built up to.

DP has had very little involvement in our DCs life up to now, choosing going out socialising meaning he often doesn't see him for a week at a time. Tonight for example he just hasn't come home from work yet, but hasn't even made contact with me. Additionally he has done very little in terms of actually caring for him so it would concern me how he would cope for a long period of time.

I am expecting him to try and maintain control over me through contact as he has already threatened to go for residency. I do not believe he has a concern for our DCs best interest, rather his image as a brilliant dad.

In short is my plan re leaving and the proposed contact reasonable? If it were to end up in court is this likely to be upheld?

Thanks for reading

How old is DC?

What is the housing situation?

Yes you absolutely can just leave any relationship but most certainly an abusive one. But just have in mind that he may well end up with 50 50 shared custody and be sure to be very transparent that you are supportive of his relationship with dc in all your correspondence but you are also entitled to get to this point in a way that's considerate to dc and the merits of your individual situation.

But please also consider that his abuse may indeed be criminal even without physical violence and it may be that you are better protected in every way by reporting this to the Police

Thanks for your reply.

DC is just 2.

The house is mortgaged and in both of our names, the capital contributed was 50/50. We are not married so am I correct in thinking that I would have no rights to any more than 50/50 even if I were to have residency?

I have no doubt in my mind that his abuse is criminal but I am worried about my lack of proof/evidence. As he tells me 'no one will believe me or care' so I'm just really concerned any attempt to involve the police will fail and achieve nothing more than making him play even more dirty than he already has.

I am desperate to see a way out of this that protects me and DC but I just can't see how best to do that. He is extreamly manipulative and a compulsive liar and I am terrified of what stunts he will try to 'punish' me.

My concern is DC and I feel that he is just going to be used as a pawn in his game. Someone who's previously suggested walking away from DC and having no involvement as long as I don't pursue maintenance (something he now denies as it's not inkeeping with the current Disney dad act) from him is not genuinely concerned with his welfare.

Amy advice anyone can provide re dealing with a man like this/police involvement would be very much appreciated.

Before you leave try and get some of your own finances in order. Open a new bank account he doesn't know about for example. When I left my abusive ex he cleared all our joint accounts and left me with no money for food. We have 2 DC. You should be entitled to some benefits too have a look at these before so you can apply straight away.

I had a lengthy court battle on finances and DC because he wouldnt be reasonable and compromise. I'm a sahm too and he wanted more than 50/50 on the finances because I hadn't worked and he'd contributed more and he wanted more access to the DC than me. It's not that he wants them he just didn't want me to have them. We went to court he gets 6/14 nights, 2 days daytime care and 50 % holidays. I am still a sahm to them.

Remember his behaviour is about him not you. It's not your fault and you won't Change him.

I found women's aid really useful too.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

This is really useful and includes ways of getting evidence to report coercive control to police. Make a log going as far back as you can remember. You won't be able to evidence everything but you'll be able to demonstrate a pattern which will lend validity to the rest. Once you've made a log start piecing together where information about each part is held (texts, emails, friends you don't see anymore, clubs you don't attend anymore, bank statements etc)

I imagine once you leave, his threats about access will continue (for his image and to scare you), but actually he won't want it. He's far more likely to paint you as an evil woman keeping his dc from him, while not taking up access. I'm betting in the long run that will be far more convenient for him.

Do you have any text or email evidence of his abuse? That's black and white and cx t be ignored. I think it's in your DC's best interest that you try prove his abuse otherwise this could be something that's subject to your child whilst your not there.

He would never get full custody, why would a court take a child away from their mum for no good reason? He's saying it to manipulate you into staying.

Go to your parents house until your on your feet, tell them everything you've told us and I'm sure they will help you as much as they can.

Please go and see a solicitor before you do anything. They would usually tell you NOT to leave the family home. I assume, from what you have said, he is not likely to leave?
You wouldn't get more than 50% of the property unless that was stated when you signed the papers.
Living under the same roof after separation is NOT easy. I did it for about 2 months (and that was long enough). So maybe the best option for you and DC is just to leave. He can't stop you.
Be prepared for him to be difficult about access to DC. My exP has been quite difficult. He has no interest in our DC but wants to look like the doting Dad by having them as much as possible. He does nothing with them though.

Get external support - police DV unit and Women's Aid. They will believe you. They will have heard every single bit of this before - abusive men's tactics are very similar.

Please do bear in mind that abusive men are at their most dangerous when they see their control slipping away: you will need to be careful as you plan your escape. if there has ever been any physical violence, even if you didn't report it at the time, it's possible there may be more if he finds out you are planning to leave, but WA and the police will be ready to help.

Thanks everyone for your support.

No, he definitely wouldn't leave he's made that clear.

I am trying my best to find a solicitor experienced in this sort of case however am finding it difficult to get any recommendations. I really don't have the money to waste on the wrong one.

Unfortunately he is far too sneaky to put anything in writing so my evidence on that front is lacking. He actually tries to accuse me of being the abusive one as 'I am not nice to him and talk to him awfully', who wouldn't when they have been subjected to the treatment that I have. He also tries to provoke and goad me into arguing with him which he then records.

I know it's awful to say as no one should get away with treating anyone the way he has me but what is the likely outcome of me reporting him, what will I gain? It's not going to impact upon his contact with DC?

I am terrified what he would do in retaliation/what he would accuse me of. I tried to go jogging once but that was met with threats of DC not being home when I got back/he would call social services.

I just don't know how to deal with him and the outcome for DC and I terrifies me.

Get your paperwork together, proof of joint accounts, mortgage, any paper trail re you putting in 50% of money for mortgage, dc's passport.

Dear lord, you aren't even allowed out for a jog?! He keeps you a prisoner? Get your stuff together, get your proof of finances, get your DC and get out.

Just get out of there now with everything you need. Please do try to get a solicitor, ring round a few and try to get some that free consultations. You want one who specialises in family law.
Do not listen to any of his threats about taking the DC away or any accusations he throws at you. He will want to exert his control over you as you are trying to take it away.
If you think he is of any threat to DC, tell him to see a solicitor if he wants access.
Please remember, this man does NOT own you and cannot tell you want to do.

Start recording HIM! Seriously take the advice of other posters and ring women's aid, they will have some great advice and know you are being genuine

This morning he's started ranting at me and blaming me because DS doesn't want to be picked up by him, and will hide behind my legs.

I told him his continued ranting was the reason ds acts like that, not my fault. Asked him to stop he continued so I got my phone to video my request for him to stop and him continuing he then said 'you'll stop the recording and punch me, all these marks over my body'.

It's just absolutely ridiculous but it's this sort of thing that terrifies me..completely false and ridiculous accusations that I know will follow if I tell the TRUTH about him

You can buy secret voice activated recording devices that you can hide.

You really need to tell someone, your mum or dad or siblings, a friend, you need someone in real life who can help you.

Start doing that to him when he records you!

Contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
They can help you with local solicitors who deal with abusive assholes.
Tell them what's been happening to you and they can log it all.
Of course you can leave with your DC.
And if he claims he's going for full custody, tell him good luck.
You are the main carer so he won't get very far.
You could even offer him 50:50
He won't take it of course.
But you do need to call his bluff on all of this.
While you are worried and staying, he still has the power.
He needs to realise that when DC is his with him, any childcare is his issue to resolve and any monies involved need to be paid by him.
Just pack a bag and get away.
Get to your family for support.
Then give Womens Aid a call and take it from there.
Well done on seeing him for what he is.

No-one will believe his lies OP so don't worry. Why on earth would YOU leave HIM if he's the one being abused??
I would stop engaging with him altogether. Don't respond when he speaks to you.