Anxious my DP will never want children

[violetdreams13]

Hi all. It's my first time posting on here so let me know if I've done anything wrong!

I've been feeling really really scared and down lately about the future of my relationship- not because there's any problems, but the opposite really! I've been with a wonderful man for about a year now (it's our anniversary in two weeks!), who makes me so happy and is really understanding about my mental health issues. However, my depression and anxiety won't stop sabotaging things and making me worry that things will go wrong between us. I can't stop crying and getting myself really upset about the idea that we might split up in future (even though there's no issues between us at all), and it's got worse today after a chat we had about maybe having kids in our lvies at some point.

At the moment kids are nowhere near on the horizon- I'm only 22, he's 24, and we've only been together for a short while anyway. In the past we've vaguely said that we'd want kids around the age 30 mark, but at the same time, my boyfriend has never fully committed either way to whether he wants them or not. He says he just hasn't thought about it yet, and that since it's such a long way off, it doesn't matter right now. He's made it clear that he's not saying that he NEVER wants them, but that he just isn't going to consider whether he does or not right now.

It sounds so stupid writing it down, but I'm so genuinely terrified that we'll get ten years down the line and he'll have thought about it and decided he DOESN'T want kids, which would be a dealbreaker for me. I've become so down about it, and feel so absorbed in the problems of the future that my present is really suffering. It's even worse because I know that there's not going to be a resolution to this any time soon- he's not going to decide either way for literally years. Despite this, I can't get the problem out of my head.

Does anyone have any advice or support they can give me? I'm at my wits' end over here

You really need to calm down. You are both so young, and you have years to think about having children. One thing I can guarantee is that your partner will not want to have children with a woman who can't stop obsessing and being so insecure. Enjoy where you are right now and just focus on the health of your relationship, and most of all, work on your own issues of anxiety and insecurity. You need to try and get it together before you even consider having children.

To be honest, if you've only been together for a year then I don't think it's the time of place for either of you to commit to wanting children down the line.

I think me & my DH discussed it properly around the three year mark - we got engaged shortly after. We've been married a year in August, and are both 25.

You're within your rights to say that you don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want children (that's one of my deal breakers too) but you shouldn't pressure him - or yourself! - into tying down a decision now. You're not going to wake up, and all of a sudden it's been 10 years and you're still none the wiser.

Enjoy what you have now.

Thanks so much for this Aquamarine- I think it was the kick up the bum I needed to realise that I'm being ridiculous. I have mental health issues to deal with that are exacerbating these feelings, and do need to learn to live in the present a bit more!

Thanks m4rdybum- that's reassured me. I'd had a lot of people tell me that the kids thing needs to be resolved at the start to stop issues down the line, but I guess it can wait a bit.

Op, I truly feel the best investment you could ever make is to get yourself into therapy. Having a professional to talk to and who will guide you into making your own realizations about yourself could positively impact the rest of your entire life. Anxiety is a nasty little bastard. It prevents you from being objective and from being able to listen and trust in yourself.

I would really recommend you to get some CBT or other therapy. This level of panic and anxiety isn't normal and you'd really benefit from some proper help

I was settled and married to someone at 22 but although we both talked about kids we never had them. For me it didn't seem right.
I had another relationship at 27 with a younger guy and talking about wanting to settle down and have kids one day, scared him off, or contributed to it.
I met someone at 31 who I am still with. We had a child when I was 36.
You are very young OP. Life never goes how you plan it. At 21/22 I planned on spending my life with my ex husband and I'm glad I didn't.
Just enjoy the now and try not to worry about the future. You have so much time.
Oh and my younger sisters partner was never that sure about kids, think he was scared of the responsibility and not being v good at it. They now have 2 kids and he's a fantastic father. They didn't start till their 30's either.

Aquamarine and QueenMortificado- I was in therapy until recently but the funding got cut and the service stopped ... But I'm going back to my GP on Friday to talk about options and to see if he can refer me somewhere :)

ImSoUnoriginal - thank you for this, it's really helped me to put things into perspective! Need to stop worrying about the future and start living for now :)

Op, please get this book: Dare, The New Way to End Anxiety by Barry McDonagh. It is an amazing, easy to read book that helped me so much. It truly makes you see anxiety for what it really is, and it is not some all-powerful monster we make it out to be. Drugs are not the answer, we are.

Thing is, he could easily say now that he likes the idea of having kids, but change his mind down the road. I know a couple who just split up because she agreed to kids in the beginning, but never really wanted them and then said no when it came down to the point where they were supposed to have them. He desperately wanted kids.

So unless he is of the mind that he definitely doesn't want children, I don't think this is something that needs to be determined now, so early on. Feelings and circumstances change as we get older. Plenty of time for this to come up later down the road

I think you are fixating on this and overthinking. Nothing you've said he has said indicates he won't ever have children with you. I know how you feel to a certain extent I sometimes fixate and stress about things that haven't happened, the what ifs. I don't think I'm quite as bad as you. But when I realise what I'm doing and take a step back and try thinking rationally (hard I know ) I usually start feeling a bit better. It's good that you're going to try get some help for it, whatever help it may be. It can be so exhausting being stuck in your own head. But he clearly loves you and kids aren't off the table you said yourself you don't want them just now and he feels the same as you. So when the time comes when you feel ready then talk about it but until then try taking a step back from it all.
I hope you feel better you seem like such a lovely person, you just need to give yourself a break