Does it get better? Miss my narc XH :(

[NearlyFree17]

It seems like everyone says life will be so much better when you leave an abusive r'ship so why don't I feel like that?

My STBXH moved out 6 months ago. He was emotionally abusive to me throughout most of our 23 year r'ship but I only realised the extent of his manipulation quite recently.

His behaviour got much worse after I ended the relationship. He physically assaulted our teenage son and pushed me. He stole my car keys when I was asleep and then laughed about it saying it was his car now. When he left he told the kids I'd accused him of child abuse.

But I miss the good times so much. We were on the same wavelength about lots of stuff. He found a new girlfriend before he'd even moved out but I still miss him.

Its all supposed to be great now but I am so lonely. I wasted the best years of my life on him and now he's just walked away. The kids miss him as well.

He physically assaulted our teenage son

Remember this. This isn't going to happen anymore.

Because he ground your self esteem into the dust. An abuser if often a master of charm too. They play a game that suits their objective.

I have never met any woman who has left a good man! Stop concentrating on the good times. Ask yourself why you left in the first place. He was so nice you had to leave him. Stockholm Syndrome? I

It takes time but please don't dwell on the good times. Abusers use these to help maintain control.

I do realise all that.

The loneliness is just far far worse than I thought it would be.

He's ruined my life and just walked straight into a new relationship, is all loved up with his new gf.

I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else I can trust.

I read a thought provoking comment on here...

A drug addict will really miss taking drugs, doesn't mean that it would be a good idea though.

Sometimes I miss my horrifically abusive ex. We're talking sociopath. The 'good' times, the connection - well, I've never known a connection like it, before or since.

But he was mirroring - abusers are experts at this.

You are grieving op. Grief takes a long time. I had a lot of therapy to get over it all - not that you fully get over it all imo - and that definitely helped. You're grieving the relationship you thought you'd have for ever, you're grieving the years you lost, you're grieving his speedy move onto someone else. That's a lot of grief.

Go easy on yourself. Get some support - you need it.

btw ime there was a huge joyous relief at being free from the bastard. But that didn't mean I didn't grieve also at the same time. It's possible to have good and bad feelings happening at the same time. It wasn't straightforward loveliness but a long chalk.

by not but

OP: I left in Feb, so almost the same time frame as you, 21 year relationship, 2 kids. He was emotionally abusive and controlling, huge anger issues and generally a twat.

I have probably prolonged the agony for myself, as I have kept regular contact because we have 2 kids, and I kind of propped him up as his world fell apart. At first it got to me, I felt guilty and terribly sad. Recently I have started to be able to emotionally detach but still have contact. I finally feel i am getting my boundaries again and am enjoying life more.

I am posting because when I am away from him and he is in his nice mode, i miss him terribly and have to check myself to not tell him so. But then he reverts to type and his EA is crystal clear again. Its a very very long time to be with someone, and despite the bad bits, i have a lot of fond memories of us and I want us to be able to co parent so long as he doesn't cross the lines.

Your grieving, its normal, but it doesn't ever mean you made the wrong decision.

Oh and he has also jumped into bed with someone, had her over to stay at our house for a week. Denied anything happened but I know otherwise. He is also planning to bring her out again but I suspect he won't tell me until we sign our financial agreement.

And I still miss the bastard.

I am in the same position OP. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because they're all like

I'm in hell....

Feel free to PM me if you fancy a chat x

There's a thing called Euphoric Recall. It's the same mental process that makes a gambling addict fail to remember the crushing moment they lose it all, and only recall the euphoria of the wins beforehand.

We all get it a bit I think, and for some reason it's a complete arse after relationships. My girlfriend, when she split with her ex, ended up asking her sister to write a list of all the reasons she left, with some examples, and would phone her to have the list read to her when these feelings came about. Reading the list wasn't enough - she needed to hear it from someone else!

Thanks all, it means a lot to know I am not the only one. I feel a bit cheated to be honest. The breakup was absolutely horrendous. He became a complete monster and I was terrified. Now we've come out the other side but I will never be free of him because of the kids. Also, he is dragging out the divorce because he can't be bothered to do the paperwork. So I still feel chained to him.

But to the outside world he is a happy-go-lucky sunny personality who is having a great time in his new life with his new gf, going on holidays with her etc.
Which makes it seem like it was me who made him a monster.

I'm trying to get on with my life but I'm bitter that he has robbed me of the chance to have had a normal relationship all these years. I don't trust myself to get in a relationship with someone else.

I have had some counselling but the counsellor seemed to be quite slow to catch on to what I was trying to tell her about exactly how manipulative he was. I still struggle with being believed as part of me still thinks I was imagining it all or being over-sensitive. I want to do the Freedom programme (social services and the IDVA recommended it) but there isn't one anywhere near me.

I was going to suggest the Freedom Programme. It's worth travelling for...

I also had issues with counsellors understanding what he was like and what I had faced (I was traumatised). This was decades ago and Narcs /domestic abuse that wasn't physical violence was barely understood back then. You need a counsellor who can debrief you - you have experienced long term abuse and therefore trauma. Xx

Melanie Tonia Evans is good for healing from narcissistic abuse.

I also found Sam Vaknin really helpful back in the dark days when noone understood.

springydaffs thank you so much for all your posts and support
I'll do a bit more searching for the Freedom Programme in other locations.

I did speak to an IDVA (independent domestic advisor) and she was adamant that his behaviour to me was abusive but I still feel that uncertainty that maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe there was something I could have done differently.

When I started counselling I did explain that he had been emotionally abusive to the counsellor and that in my view his behaviour was narcissistic. At the very least he is certainly selfish and immature by anyone's standards. To the outside world he portrays an image of being a "little boy lost" at times who can be disarmingly unworldly. Its funny and cute until you realise that it is the mask of someone who refuses to take responsibility for anything that he does not find fun.
But although the counsellor is a nice person I don't think she really understands how it feels to be on the receiving end of this.
Thank you again

It was that bad. He was abusive.
The sadness is about mourning for what you thought you had. But it wasn't real. The nice side of him was an act to keep you conditioned and placated.

What I found interesting a few years on from leaving my narc ex is the cognitive dissonance I feel. Like it wasn't me. I think that is fairly normal after therapy and moving on.

These abusive assholes are hollow shells of beings. You have a better future ahead, one without him.