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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving in but dislike his house

29 replies

LargelyClearSkies · 12/07/2017 15:11

I shall be moving into my partner's house early next year and renting mine out.
The only good thing about his house is that he is in it.

It's dark, cramped, cluttered, dated, I don't like any of his furniture and nothing works properly. I'm moving from a larger, sparser, lighter, tidier house and while I don't want to move in with a skip, paintbrushes and carpet samples (that's a lie, that's EXACTLY what I want to do), I need a bit of advice about how to handle it.

I want to respect that it's his home and his never ending pile of stuff but really need to make changes if it's ever to feel like my home too.

In case it makes a difference, there are no ex-wife ghosts - he bought it after his divorce. I just can't imagine living there!

OP posts:

picketfences · 12/07/2017 15:12

Why not move into yours instead?

Original poster

LargelyClearSkies · 12/07/2017 15:16

Mainly location. His is easier for work. It's only supposed to be temporary - in a year or so we're going to sell both and buy something together. This is kind of our trial run to see if we kill each other. We're both divorced and have got used to living on our own.

OP posts:

junerat · 12/07/2017 15:17

I had this but vice versa - my (now) DH moved into my flat... and I was very conscious that, if he was paying half of the bills, then it had to become "his flat" too - not necessarily in terms of property ownership, but in terms of where he wanted to live.

So he bought a hideous, huge Argos wardrobe for my beautifully-designed bedroom... and I kept my mouth shut, even though the door never closed properly and it blocked out half of the light. It was his place of rest too, and he needed what he needed. I was very conscious I didn't want him to feel like a guest - not least, because I didn't want to play "host" in a partnership.

After a year of "testing" living together, we moved out of "my" flat, and bought a house together, which obviously then we made joint decisions on.

I would recommend a conversation with him about what you can do to make it feel like your "joint" place, and prioritise a few things that you really can't live with (you don't actually need to say those words!) and then slowly make changes when you get a sense of what is really important to him, and really important to you.

exexpat · 12/07/2017 15:17

Have you talked to him about it? It might just be dark, cluttered, have horrible furniture etc because he is completely uninterested in what his house looks like, or just moved fast after his divorce, made do with whatever furniture came to hand and can't be bothered to organise and declutter. In which case he might be delighted if you offer to give the place a makeover, either on your own or involving him in paint colour choices and furniture catalogues and so on.

However, if he thinks his house is perfect as it is, actively chose the ugly furniture and doesn't want to change a thing, then you have problems. You really need to talk to him before you move in to find out which it is.

Original poster

LargelyClearSkies · 12/07/2017 15:32

I think it's the former. He's just never bothered - it's got the previous owner's carpets and wallpaper still. He's just picked up random bits of furniture here and there and filled the place with 'stuff'.

OP posts:

rizlett · 12/07/2017 15:35

I'd love a challenge like this - but the enjoyment of it would be dependent on if he's a man who isn't bothered by you changing it to whatever you want - or he's a man who hates change.

Which one is he op?

Original poster

LargelyClearSkies · 12/07/2017 15:41

He'd say that 'he isn't bothered and I can do what I like' but I strongly suspect that he came home one day and I'd ripped half the wallpaper off he'd suddenly decide he was actually quite fond of it!

We've agreed that he'd need to decorate and sort it out if he were to sell it anyway (as would i, with my house), so maybe I should go down that route, then it wouldn't seem like I was attacking his terrible
taste in home furnishings!

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 12/07/2017 15:46

I was just about to suggest the whole redecorate to make it more buyer friendly route.
Is he a hoarder? Won't get rid of old crap or just not interested in decor?

ijustwannadance · 12/07/2017 15:52

When DP and I first moved in together I told him the hideous burgandy 80's bedroom furniture he had wasn't coming anywhere near our newly refurbed flat. Or the old large back tv.

gttia · 12/07/2017 15:59

We used half of my furniture, half of his and got rid of the rest to charity.
I had a book case I moved in that had my stuff on it, trinkets and photos etc. Two years later we got rid of all that furniture, bought new and now have our stuff out. (I got rid of my trinkets happily) the house fire a while didn't feel mine but now it def feels like home and ours, although it is his. It takes time but make sure you have your identity in it, I slowly slowly replaced photos of just his dd for all three children for example. The only rooms I made personal quickly were my two dds rooms.
Good luck x

Original poster

LargelyClearSkies · 12/07/2017 16:01

Not quite a hoarder, nothing on that scale. He's just got LOADS of books, piles of paper, CDs, photos, boxes upon boxes of stuff that might come in handy one day (which never will). He's got shitloads of storage space but every single cupboard is packed full.

Some of it is personal preference - if's like everything he owns is proudly on display. He couldn't put stuff in a cupboard if he wanted to because there's no room in them. And it leaves me with absolutely no idea where any of my own stuff is going to go!

OP posts:

Original poster

LargelyClearSkies · 12/07/2017 16:05

Yes, I'd have absolutely no qualms about limiting the amount of (both of our) stuff that came to a new house. It's just this initial bit of moving into his house that's worrying me.

OP posts:

exexpat · 12/07/2017 16:18

Well, it sounds like he needs to do some decluttering at least before you move in, if there is nowhere for any of your stuff to go. And the 'getting it presentable for buyers' tack is a good way to tackle the excess 'stuff' plus the decorating, furniture etc.

But decluttering can be hard - you will actually have to get him to agree to allocate time and energy to doing it (I speak as someone with way too much stuff who has been trying to declutter piecemeal for years).

DP moved in with me about two years ago and some of his stuff is still in boxes (as is some of mine, and I've been here 10 years), but I did at least clear out lots of bookshelves for his book collection (nearly as big as mine). He didn't have much furniture, but I did get rid of my piano to make space for his, and since he moved in we have made joint decisions over redecorating. Luckily we are both pretty much similar in our attitudes to tidiness and clutter - it can be a real sticking point in relationships.

mummytime · 12/07/2017 16:21

Think carefully.

Do you really want live with this guy?
Do not assume he will change. Can you put up with having to initiate change? That at the best you will have to nag him to get stuff done. Maybe his taste and priorities are massively different from yours? Maybe he prefers his home to yours.

Naicehamshop · 12/07/2017 16:23

I agree with exexpat - moving into someone else's house can be a very problematic experience. Without being too confrontational, I would definitely expect him to start decluttering asap so that you will have room for your stuff.

Good luck!

DirtyChaiLatte · 12/07/2017 16:25

I don't think it would be unreasonable at all of you to tell him that you want to feel at home in his house and that you'd like to make a few changes to that you feel comfortable.

If you're respectful about how you ask then I don't see how he could say no. It's going to be home for you for the next year and you have feel happy and comfortable in it.

rizlett · 12/07/2017 16:25

Sounds like you might have to take it a bit slow op - which I'd find a little frustrating as I love redecorating and changing things but you don't want to frighten the poor guy off before you've started!

Perhaps you could focus on one room to start?

What do you think might work?

Original poster

LargelyClearSkies · 12/07/2017 16:39

Rizlett, exactly! I don't want to upset him! I've already thought that I'd start with the bedroom.

And exexpat, I agree with you too. I have visions of me asking him to sort through stuff and it sitting around for weeks until he gets around to it. Which would drive me demented.

Mummytime - absolutely no worries about him at all. We do have similar tastes and a joint home wouldn't be an issue at all, i'm sure. He bought this house, thought 'that'll do' and hasn't done a thing to it since.

I'm going to start broaching the subject now, so he's got time to get his head around it. He'll be doing it the day before I move in otherwise.

OP posts:

antimatter · 12/07/2017 17:01

is he a hoarder?

MatildaTheCat · 12/07/2017 17:12

Beware that hoarding can cover quite a broad spectrum, it's not always 20 years of old newspapers and empty margarine tubs. His house sounds worse than cluttered.

If you are going to live together you have to be able to communicate effectively about how You live. If you can't face his house you need to say so and what needs to be done first. Obviously you offer to help.

He may have bad taste, or be lazy and just using stuff that came his way. Or, and worse, mean with spending on household stuff and overdone of his stuff. That's very hard to live with so be careful to find out which it is and get something sorted before you've moved in and are semi trapped.

springydaffs · 12/07/2017 17:42

He is definitely a hoarder.

Takes one to know one op

Perhaps he needs a man cave - a place he can put all his shit stuff. Or most of it, anyway.

reetgood · 12/07/2017 17:47

It took about 6 years, and two house moves, of living together before boyfriend let go of some of his 'I might need this one day it could be useful' stuff. Oh and the 'someone gave this to me so I can't get rid of it' stuff.

Respectful and slowly is the way when it's his house. Fortunately we combined into one house, so I could be a bit more direct. He genuinely doesn't really care about decor, although he has opinions on colours and patterns so I always check it passes the test :)

antimatter · 12/07/2017 18:07

hoarders find difficult to throw anything away
you better read up about it because it's very stressful to live with one (I am talking from experience) when you are someone who doesn't get attach to old junk

I don't know how to go on about it. Maybe try to encourage him to sort some stuff out before you move in? If he finds it difficult then it won't get easier when you move in.

rizlett · 12/07/2017 18:36

Hmmm - so it's finding a good way to get him on target without any nagging..... maintaining motivation and getting a balance of your stuff and his stuff.

Maybe he'll surprise you LCS!

Loopytiles · 12/07/2017 20:23

I wouldn't move in with him: your place sounds far nicer! Even if it is less convenient for work.

Why are you assuming the issue would be solved by buying together in due course? Might well not be the case.

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