My heart is broken and I'm breaking everyone else

[CantHelpDancingWithTheDevil]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible

I'm 27 years of age. I got married at 20 to a man in Armed Forces. We had a DS at 24 but the distance got too much. I stayed in NI, while he was in England. He's local, so he's home a lot. However, we've never really had a clean break. Always in touch, cups of tea, nights out - yet both trying to date other people

I have bumbled from car crash man to car crash man in the last two years. The last one made me an unwitting OW, I've discussed it here and I'm better off without him and his lies; but my heart is still very sore

And yet today - feeling sorry for myself, once again I find myself texting my ex-husband. I know he loves me, probably as a friend more than anything - but as he describes himself as "the fall back mug"

And he's right. Why do I do this? We try to be together for about two weeks, we just can't see eye to eye. We have tried everything to be together and it just doesn't work. Now he's not exactly an angel, he's been very emotionally abusive over the years - but I have always overlooked things

I think it's the fact he's DS dad. Maybe. Or maybe he's been the only man to ever show me any affection. My own father has certainly never hugged me, only time he was happy touching me was hitting me

My ex-husband cannot hurt me. I think that's the thing, there is nothing he could do to me to even make me cry. We have been through so much I'm just numb to what happens when it comes to him - we have had Afghanistan tours to him cheating - I'm beyond it now. Maybe that's why I want him; because he can't damage me the way the others have

But I'm breaking my heart here. I'm so sad. I have so much love to give, and yet the only man who gives a jot about me; it can't work

He's like a comfort blanket. He is "home" to me. I'm a horrible person, I hate myself for this. All I want is for him to wrap me up in a big hug. And all I want is for him to meet someone else, and to be so happy. Because I do really wish him all the happiness in the world

I couldn't not reply to you.

I'm in a similar position, I'm far too close emotionally to my ex DP who is the father of my children. On paper I have no reason to feel this way about him, he has been abusive and flits between telling me everything is all my fault and I just need to "get better" so we can work.

My head tells me we're better off apart but my heart just can't let go. It's awful.

I wish I had an answer for you; I really do, but I just wanted to tell you you're not alone

Oh, and you're so not a horrible person x

Get some counselling to find out why you want a man to save you and why you choose men you don't like much. Cbt will also give you coping strategies so you can rescue yourself and be your own hero.

Thank you for the replies. I feel like I've lived a thousand years by the age of 27. I've plenty of friends, great job, mortgage, gorgeous son - I don't have a bad life, it's just when I get home at night and have a cup of tea I just fall apart

I'm gonna attach something that resonates with me

I actually seem to try to rescue the men 🙁 the most undesirable, horrible men. The last one was a drug dealer although I did not know this until the whole thing exploded - and obviously I'm well rid. And thank fuck he never, ever got near my child

And the ex-husband - he's just watching, shaking his head and telling me he'll "see me soon" - and we'll drink tea, it'll be fine and my head will be so fucked up. I must be having a terrible effect on him too..

I'm just tired 🙁 I want a normal life. Someone to come home to at 6pm and to discuss our day. A positive role model for my son - although as I said previously - I don't introduce my son to anyone. I've never even had a "normal" life with my ex-husband - it was a part time marriage on the basis that he was rarely home. It's been so lonely

The type of men that women date and have long-term relationships with are also directly related to the kind of relationship a girl has with her father.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

This all stems from your relationship with your dad, a man who was himself violent. You therefore grew up in a violence and also fear based household and that has been your warped template ever since for relationships. Your mother failed completely here to protect you from this and stayed for her own reasons. Small wonder therefore your personal life when it comes to relationships has been a car crash and continues to be so. The quote you posted is indicative of that as well.

Your mother probably wanted to rescue your dad too and thought that if she behaved differently towards him then the nice man would return and the violence would stop. Unfortunately that scenario does not happen. Someone taught you to be a rescuer and or saviour to men and that person was likely your mother.

No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving relationship is like and you still do not know now. Its certainly not with your ex who is an ex actually for very good reason. You really do need to make a clean break now. This man is "home" to you because abuse from men is all that you've really known; that is all you think you deserve deep down.

I would suggest counselling for your own self and rebuild your own life and self worth from the ground up. Raise your own bar now, you can do that even if only for your child's sake.

You have an awful lot of stuff relating to both childhood and adult relationships that needs to be unlearnt otherwise you will simply keep on repeating this pattern and repeating the same old.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what do you think he is learning here from you?. This is no legacy to leave him.

No-one can act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. You can only help your own self ultimately. Do get some counselling; it will be hard going but your life going forward cannot remain as it is now. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Thank you Attila

I've long suspected my issues have related to the environment I grew up in; my dad isn't necessarily a bad man - he's very engaging, generous and wonderful with my son - but even to this day, I know if I ever "step out of line" there will be physical consequences for me. I have felt that my mother hasn't backed me up, but she is devoted to him - he can do no wrong in her eyes, it's just the way she is

I genuinely don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm depressed, or if I can't see the wood for the trees. I am fed up of crying, I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest with this latest fuck up in my life - even though rational me knows that I'll get over it and in a few weeks it won't even faze me

I know people laugh when I say about getting older, but I just feel so lonely. Yet I've the loveliest and kindest friends in the world, a great social life and there are people out there with real problems. I feel guilt in a way, I am a lucky woman to have such luxuries in my life

So, so successful in lots of ways, but when he comes to men I'm a colossal fuck up. I just want peace 🙁 I just want to feel calm, to be content and to have something resembling a normal life

Have you had any counselling? I think what you should do is take a good long time out from relationships with men, work through your past and family relationships with a counsellor and learn a new set of emotional tools and boundaries. Your father's violence and your upbringing have set you up with a skewed set of expectations.

The last thing you need right now is a bloke. Your life is otherwise great, you need to learnt to enjoy it and not lean on someone who was emotionally abusive to you (I'm not convinced now somehow he's no longer EA and his shoulder is a safe one for you to be crying on - the "I'll see you soon" and treating you like a fuck-up - it might seem compassionate, but I think it's feeding him and keeping you down).

You're only 27 - give yourself a couple of years off from men, and do the Freedom Programme and a ton of counselling.

Hi CantHelp,

What category12 wrote. Do take heed of those words also.

Your parents were not good parents to you when growing up (an understatement) and are now not good grandparent models to your son either. You still seem unsurprisingly to be in fear of your dad. I would stay well away from the two of them now and at the very least reduce all levels of contact with them. Your father was violent and your mother has stayed with him for her own reasons (no apparent resources to leave, her idolisation of him, her innate fear of him, her own childhood experiences to name but four amongst others). Small wonder therefore your whole template when it comes to relationships is skewed; they are the root cause. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Counselling will seem at times hard going and is not a quick fix but it will help you no end. You cannot and must not go on repeating the same old car crash type relationships that you have been involved in to date; it will do your son no good to see that indirectly either.

Atilla, your advice saved me when I first realised I was an abused child and went no contact with my parents. Thank for taking the time to respond to me on the stately homes thread.

4 years off from men and some therapy was one of the best gifts I gave myself. Please consider the advice given by others here x

Maybe that's why I want him; because he can't damage me the way the others have

This really stood out to me, OP. The thing is, he can and is the one who has damaged you. He's emotionally abused you and cheated on you. He continues to emotionally abuse and manipulate you like, "You'll be back for a cup of tea," - knocking your belief in yourself and "feels like the back up mug" - very emotionally manipulative. If he didn't want to be there to sound off to, he wouldn't be. He chooses to be because he's absorbing information with which he can bribe or manipulate you with in the future.

I do think counselling would be great for you in terms of figuring out why, and breaking away from the habit of, you going for broken men you need to fix.