Coping with domestic abuse with young children & no external support

[MyPupPaisley]

When I met my husband he was charming, romantic, confident & totally different to any other man I'd met. Soon after this he became increasingly demanding and threatening towards my (mostly) male friends, he would accuse me of having affairs, and forced me to choose him over them to prove he was more important to me. he would get drunk and high & call one he was particularly fixated on, leaving horrible threatening voice messages, even months and months after I stopped having contact with him. He would send friend requests to my friends on Facebook, if they accepted he would often hassle them if they 'liked' or commented on a picture of mine, and if they didn't accept his request (which was fair enough-they'd never met!) he would be furious. Fast forward a few years, all the friends I'd made in the time that I'd moved to the UK (I didn't grow up here) have pretty much disappeared, he'd get drunk & high before events & then act so embarrassingly...we stopped getting invited and I stopping initiating. I quit my job to work on my own business, something I'd been working towards for years, but instead I ended up helping him with his & then falling pregnant. His drug habit got worse, he wouldn't come home for days, and then when he finally did he was so messed up I was terrified of him, he'd yell non stop & have incoherent conversations with himself. I had a scare during the pregnancy where I hadn't feel the baby move for some time, he was at work & I told him I was worried and that I'd like to go to hospital together to check it out when he got home. It got late, by the time he arrived home he was so drunk & in no state to go to the hospital, but he couldn't see that. I refused to let him come & so the whole time I was there he called me constantly asking where I was. When I got home he suggested that I hadn't even gone to the hospital & that instead I was having an affair, I even took photos of myself hooked up to the monitors because I'd gotten used to 'proving' everything I do. He said he would shoot me if i left him. After that I did try to leave, but due to the late stage of the pregnancy and the visit to hospital I was advised it wasn't safe to fly back to my parents in my country of birth. When our eldest was born I hoped that he would stop taking drugs & drinking but it didn't alter his behaviour at all. He would come home around midnight most days, sleep in late & do the same again, leaving me to figure out how to look after our baby all on my own (neither of us have family in the UK) he would complain that the house was never clean and say I was a terrible wife & that I really needed to learn how to make him happy. I was completely exhausted with a baby that wouldn't sleep & a husband that wouldn't lift a finger, but I still kept things running. On weekends he would stay up even later & sporadically come into the bedroom asking to have sex, saying it would be the only way he could switch off and sleep, he would come into bed & touch me, which made my skin crawl. id say no, he'd eventually go away annoyed, but then come back, in the end I'd give in just so I could have some peace (our baby was co sleeping with us at that stage, so between nighttime feeds and this I'd get barely any sleep. He pushed me once when drunk & I fell quite badly, police were called and he was given a caution as at the time I didn't want to press charges. He stopped drinking and taking drugs close to a year ago now, a few months before our 2nd baby was born. For the most part he has been a more hands on father with baby two & in general things have been much better. However, when he gets stressed he falls back into being mean, unreasonable and selfish. Baby has had a few health issues & has been under consultant care since he was 5 weeks old. He reacts severely to food through my breast milk, and so I've been on an extremely limited diet to keep him healthy. Baby occasionally gets sick & projectile vomits, any time this happens my husband screams at me, (never shows any concern for baby & focussed only on making me feel terrible) calls me a bad mother & tells me all I am allowed to consume was water, fruit & veg. He even went through the cupboards & took all my 'safe' treat foods out and threw them in the bin. He works 4 days a week & on his days off he shuts himself In our bedroom and sleeps till midday. I have to tip toe into our bedroom to put our baby down when it's time for him to nap, he often cries before settling off to sleep but when this happens my husband yells at me to take him out of the room, annoyed that I'm disrupting him. The children always come second to him & he never thinks about what he can do for or with them, never prepares them food, tells me to put more clothes on them if he thinks they're cold (doesn't do it himself despite me labelling the wardrobe so it would be really easy for him to find particular clothing) when he finally gets up he mostly spends his time sitting in front of the TV, or working on his motorbikes. He's obsessed with his country of birth (different to mine)& takes any opportunity to say it's the greatest country & will one day take over the world. He constantly criticises the UK (and not just in a political way) his children are British & he's made a comfortable life for himself here, I can't understand how he can be so disrespectful. He talks of wars 100years ago where his country decimated my ancestors, and uses that to scare me/put me down. He never acknowledges my nationality or heritage when referring or talking to our children. There is so much more but I have written more than enough. I'm just so worn down & I don't know what to do. I had an anxiety attack last week after he yelled at me over nothing. He left for work & I just suddenly couldn't breathe, I was lying on the floor with my youngest next to me crying, I was so close to passing out & I just felt awful that I couldn't hold or comfort my baby. I managed to call an ambulance & things were fine in the end, but the whole event really shook me. Despite all these issues I'm still really torn with what to do. On one hand I want to leave and take my boys away from this toxic situation, but I have no family or friends to go to. I do not qualify for benefits due to my visa, I cannot go to a refuge. My only place to go is my parents who live on the other side of the world, so that's not an option either. On the other hand I really think he needs help to deal with his anger issues & his whole outlook on life seems skewed towards the negative...I wonder if it sounds like he has a particular psychological condition? When he's good we have great times together & he can be a totally a doting father. It breaks my heart that I'm thinking I need to take the boys away, am I completely naive thinking there is a chance he could change & we can be happy family? If you've read this far thank you! I think it's just built up I needed to get things out, if anyone has thoughts or advice or anything I'm all ears. x

He won't change and you will never be happy until he is out of your life.

I am speaking from experience. He's an abuser. That's his primary issue. Not a psychological condition.

Thanks for your reply Borninatrap do you mind if I ask whether there were children involved in your case? My biggest fear is that I leave him then have to stay in the UK with zero family or financial support just so that he gets access to the children.

He will not change and you are not a happy family because he is an abuser. He is abusing you and in turn your children who are learning from you both about relationships here. He targeted you deliberately to abuse you (for instance he knows that your parents live on the other side of the world), he saw something in you that he can and has indeed exploited. It matters not why he is like this, the fact is that he is and you and in turn your children are all suffering as a result.

Who told you that you cannot go to a refuge or qualify for any benefits?. I would talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can and will help you with all this.

Your boys will grow up to be like their abuser of a father if you keep them within this toxic and abusive environment. He is also NOT a doting father to his children because he treats you, their mother, abusively and with sheer contempt. He only thinks of his own self and needs here, he cares not for his children either.

It is only a matter of time before your boys mimic his behaviour to you particularly if you stay with this man. You do not want that for them.

You are woefully underqualified to help him, not that he wants your help or support in any case. You can only help your own self and your children by getting away from this charming but dangerous man as soon as possible. Today even.

You are their primary carer and I doubt if he would be at all interested in wanting anything to do with them going forward. He may make noises about wanting full custody and or calling you an unfit mother but its all noise and empty threats. He will certainly try and use these children to get back at you for leaving him, hence the potential for the above as well.

I am so sorry that you have and are going through so much. A big virtual hug for you.
You need to distance your self from him, for the sake of your self and the kids. The only thing wrong with your husband is that he is an abuser and people like this tend to get worse every passing day.
There might be days where you feel that he is changing, but he will soon fall into the old pattern of abuse with any slightest change or over something trivial.
In light of the fact, that you have no family in UK ( i wasn't raised here either) it's more important that you look after yourself, for the sake of your children.
Separating is a very hard decision to make. But in the longer run, it's going to benefit you and your children.
As already advised above , Women's Aid is a starting point and I am sure thing will get better.
If you want any body to chat to, please feel free to PM me.
Hope things get better for you.

I appreciate your brutal honesty AtillaTheMeercat & it is such a big fear of mine that my sweet boys will be influenced by his behaviour. After an incident that involved the police a few weeks ago I did the rounds of calling Women's Aid, National Centre for Domestic violence, Rights of Women & women's charities in my area & I was told it was highly unlikely that with two children & having no recourse to funds, that I would be able to find a space. I think he genuinely will put up a big fight to keep seeing the boys, to make my life difficult as you say, but also because he does love them, he just completely fails to understand that it's his job to raise & care for them equally with me, as opposed to when he feels like it (and without aggressive outbursts). It would be a massive learning curve to have to be in charge of taking care of them both without me there if we were to end up in a shared custody situation.

Thank you for the virtual hug and kind words FindMeIfYouCan it's very much appreciated. I think I fell into a false sense of security when he stopped drinking and we had a relatively uneventful 8 months, I really thought he was getting better, but an incident a few weeks ago where I ended up with multiple minor injuries after he flew into a rage - sans alcohol, really just brought everything to a head & I think it made me realise that alcohol consumption didnt cause the earlier issues, he just used it as an excuse for his behaviour & the issues will possibly always be there

You CANNOT let your kids grow up in this environment. It's unacceptable. Go back to your parents. Your kids must come first.

He's no father, he's a bully.

I think you need legal advice. I don't know a lot, but I don't think you can just remove your children from their country of habitual residence due to the Hague Convention.

I can't see how the law can expect you to stay here under these circumstances. I think you need to talk to someone with specialist knowledge of international child custody and then work out if you can possibly go home, because this situation sounds awful.

No recourse to funds is generally not a lifetime thing. Are you on Leave to Remain? Will you ever be eligible for ILR?
You will need to see an immigration advisor. I would highly recommend Citizens Advice because the service is free and you will get an idea of how to move things forward.

You talk about him 'getting better'. He's not ill, he's an abusive twat and unfortunately that's terminal.

I'd love it if it were as simple as going to my parents Squirmy65ghyg however I think that would be classified as kidnapping as they're not in the UK, as WinnieTheMe mentioned, The Hague Convention means that I don't have the right to just take them away. FindMeIfYouCan I will be eligible for IRL in a couple of years, as long as I don't spend too much time out of the UK between now and then. So yes after that I'd be have access to benefits etc, though I'm not entirely sure how I would manage up until that point if I had to stay here to be with my boys. I'll definitely look into getting legal advice, i just feel overwhelmed right now & my head is swirling with emotions/guilt/stress and pressure of getting on with day to day stuff while trying to think ahead about what is best for my family.

You need to speak to a lawyer. The Hague Convention can be challenged if you can prove that staying in the country of habitual residence would be detrimental to the child and because you are the primary carer, not being able to support you and your child, could be grounds. Essentially you need the permission of the other party with PR or you need the permission of the courts.

This man is an abusive arse DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE the new and inventive ways he will seek to abuse you and yes, that means abusing your son to get to you.

You need legal advice now!