Married but utterly in love with someone else

[thatlonelygirl87]

Hi! This is taking a lot of guts to write and admit. I'm married and have been for 5 years. We have a 3 year old little boy together. Home life can be difficult. My husband works and I stay at home. My husbands boss is also our closest friend. We spend a lot of time together. His entire family are very close to us. I spend a lot of time with his mother as we both don't work. We do coffee dates, shopping etc together. They have been family friends since before me and my husband were married. The problem lays with our best friend/husbands boss. For the past 18 months there has been a crazy attraction between us! Even glancing at P (I will call him P throughout this) gives me butterflies. He is an amazing man and I think I'm falling in love with him. My husband has had some issues over the past year which he is addressing through counselling etc, He's not the man I married. He's getting this hell because P lost his temper with him at Christmas. We were visiting with P's family and my husband was constantly snapping at me and belittling me. P told him that he needed to sort his behaviour out and if he couldn't then he should let me go and let me be happy. He's been trying since. I speak to P everyday without fail. We message and speak on the phone if not in person. It's just we've sort of invented this story. We're currently both loosing weight and going to the gym before a family holiday (ours and his) in September. So this story is really dirty. Future me and future P are almost living a double life. Over the past few weeks we've both admitted that this story is just us not admitting to our feeling for each other and using the story to act out how we feel. Nothing has happened between us bar talking. We've both said it would be morally wrong and neither of us want to hurt my husband. P was in a very long relationship but that ended over a year ago. I don't know what to do! No matter what I do I can't shake this feeling that I'm falling in love with P. We've tried stopping our 'story' but it always ends up with one of us miserable and begging to start it again. As wrong as I know we are we justify it as the 'characters' are future versions of ourselves and not the people we are now. What do I do. I can't avoid P either due to husbands work and family connections. He's our sons godfather per say and plays a very active role in his life. He takes him out once a week while my husband has his counciling session and I go to support him. He also helps out with my side of the family. Recently for example he's helped to move my elderly grandmother into her flat. If I cut him out of my life everyone would know it's because something has happened. It would hurt everyone if I stopped seeing him.
What do I do? He makes me feel alive and wanted but I do love my husband and he's going through so much to save our marriage :(

Leave you husband would be the most obvious option? It doesn't sound like you love him anymore

This is not the advice you will want to hear, but here goes....
You need to stop interacting with this man and concentrate on working out whether your marriage is salvageable. If P is halfway decent he would understand this and back off.
Only when you have made a decision about your marriage should you even contemplate further contact and even then I would actually give yourself some space.
I got divorced and it took me 3 or 4 years to remember who I was and to start to make sensible decisions about what kind of person I wanted to be with in the long term. P may not be right for you/what you need in the longer term

Well I think you know you have two options - stay with husband and distance yourself from P - stop texting and spending time with him alone.

• Leave husband and think about what you really want

What if you left husband, got with P, and then this happened with someone else? If the grass looks greener, focus on improving your own garden.

If your husband was in your situation, what do you think would be the kindest and best thing to do?

Having spoken to men whose wife had an affair with his boss, I can tell you it's really hard to deal with.

They feel inferior and not good enough, because their wife went for the man who is above him.

If you are truly unhappy in your marriage, then you need to leave.

Also you can scale things back, by him picking your son up when your husband is home.

You can find other people to help your relatives... Because it's all getting too disrespectful.

Think about your son... Do you want him confused by all this.

You really need to stop being alone with him and find something else to do with your time.

This won't end well and many people will get hurt. I think perhaps you could benefit from counselling as well.

You need to be aware that there is something often referr s to as the 'cheater's script' which includes the means by which they justify looking outside the marriage.

You describe a textbook case of this. Was your marriage really in trouble before you gave yourself permission to hanker after another man.

And that other man is the most hostile to everyone's future well being, because of e multiple links he already has to your (former?) family's well-being and financial security.

Could you really not find an affair candidate less damaging?

You need to own your choices properly.

You have not just been swept away, you have given yourself permission to indulge yourself, regardless of the cost to everyone else.

If you decide to continue to do that. I think it would be kinder in the long-run to leave your DP before taking this any further.

It all sounds fairy tale not real life..if you have known him years how come you didn't get together before marriage? If he was faithfully to his ex partner it shows this is opportunistic.2 bored people creating an affair and flirting infront of family.

I suspect your husband knows what is going on, all the supposedly secret glances will not be secret.
He can't confront his boss so likely to have to vent at you.I think OM is without values as he is conducting this under the nose of his employee...horrid behaviour.You do chose who you love and you have an idealised view of this man, he is not perfect and will have a different set of faults to your husband.He could be worse as I suspect he's manipulative and disloyal.

You are having an emotional affair so don't minimise how this feels to your husband.

Get yourself to counselling as this isn't a love story with a happy ending.

To put it bluntly, you are shitting on your own doorstep.

The only question is, how badly do you want this to end?

I also think much of your husband's snapping, is because he suspects something is going on. He can't confront his boss and he has no definitive proof to confront you either.

The glances will be noticed by others, including your husband.

It's almost like the OM is asserting power over your husband by doing this.

What I recommend is that you ask OM to back off and give you some space (he can make whatever excuses necessary), while you refocus on your marriage.

Why bother ask the OM to back off?

She isn't dependent on what he does; she can - if she wants - back off herself.

Except it sounds as if she doesn't want to.

Her choice. But it's a spectacularly cruel way to go about ending your marriage.

So it's at the very least an emotional affair, made up stories, snatched glances, really what age are you, grow up, leave our husband as you clearly do not love him in the way he deserves or anyone deserves when married and I bet it won't be as intoxicating and exhilarating once the truth is out; your so called love of your life will probably run for the hills.

I am going through the same thing. Except in my case, I’ve left the married man alone (nothing except talking)., however my partner and baby dad decided to start taking an active interest in my ten year younger looks like my twin cousin sister. Now I find myself clutching at straws to make my relationship work, I love him but I’m not in love with him. The foundations have been ruined. He rejects my advances and refuses counselling. I am in despair

@Sunsunny17

This is from 2017

OP it’s really hard when the emotions are overwhelming but if it is genuine with you and OM then you need to have some space and get in a place to be with him. It’s damage limitation and also will put any relationship you might have on a better footing. As it is you won’t feel good about yourself and it’s not a good start.
Be kind to your DH, and try to treat him with a bit of respect. He deserves that at least. I also think he deserves to get away from the two of you. It’s very bad company for him. I don’t mean that in a judgemental way but try to see how it is for him.

This is only 1 page and it is really not difficult to see that it is from 2017!

Honestly - its sound like he is missing the emotional connect he had with his ex wife and is projecting onto you - and you are missing the emotional connection with your husband and projecting it on to him. It doesn't sound like you like your husband though. The issue is not your fake relationship with this man - its what are you going to do to with your marriage.

Now I see its a zombie thread - I'm interested in what happened!

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️

Thank you. I’ve sat in medtitation and contemplation. I’ve realised I will make it work with the other man. I love hun, in love with him and love of him. And I must respect my partner enough for some space to end things properly x

Aware this is a zombie but wtf is a

ten year younger looks like my twin cousin sister