Has anyone had to stick out a relationship long term before they could get out?

[PhilippeFlop]

As the title says really.

I'm a SAHM with two DCs (2 & 1). I gave up work to care for them and I am hoping to retrain in a new career this year which will take 2 years.

When I have done that and got a bit of money behind me, I am planning to leave DP. He speaks to me like crap day in day out and makes me feel awful. I have threatened to leave before but it would mean going into council accommodation and my DP has said he will fight me on this as he doesn't want his kids growing up on an estate. He has said he will give up work and go for full custody.

My kids are my world and the thought of not being with them everyday kills me and DP knows that.

I feel like I don't have a choice but to stick this out for a couple of years so that I am in a better position and can give the kids and I a better life on our own.

Has anyone else had to do this and could you offer any advice?

I don't think it's likely he would get full custody and it's not healthy to stay with someone just because you feel stuck

Can you get a job in a field you used to work in and retrain later in your career? I don't think you should worry too much about what your husband says about council accommodation as it can be absolutely fine and not necessarily a rough estate.

I would talk to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations as they can and will help you here. WAs number is 0808 2000 247.

He is full of it and has uttered the usual threats associated with abusers.

I would make the break now; abusive men like this often say that they are going for full custody. This is also said to give him further power and control and to push your buttons further; they are your weak spot here and he knows that as well. He probably also does not think that you can or will leave him anyway seeing as you've threatened it and have not followed through on that.

How is he going to care for them full time anyway seeing as you are already their primary carer?. He has no real interest in them really but wants to punish you via them instead. Hence his stupidity re his stance on council estates as well. He will in all likelihood mess you around re maintenance payments as well (that's probably also why he said he would give up work so he does not have to pay for them).

Staying within this will just give him another two years in which to abuse you and in turn your children. You will be further dragged down by him in that time and it will be harder for you to make the break. It takes time to save money too and he could well sabotage any attempts for you to save. You and he need to be apart asap.

Your children cannot and must not grow up thinking that yes this is how people do behave in relationships. They are learning a lot of damaging stuff and its no legacy to leave them.

Men like you describe can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. That process will only properly start when you are free of him. I would also suggest you enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. It will help you re your boundaries going forward hence me suggesting it.

shox my last job was in an industry that I grew to really dislike, it was very male dominated and the hours aren't family friendly (I would never be able to afford the childcare) I applied for flexible working but my request was denied.

attila You are very right about not paying not maintenance, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to pay it. He's self employed and would fiddle his books in order to give me the bare minimum.

I literally have nothing, no money, furniture etc if I walk away now. If I had family to go, I would but I feel that in order to give my DCs a good life, I need to get all my ducks in a row properly.

I know DP is abusive towards me and I don't want my kids to think that it's okay to treat or be treated in this way.

Sorry if my posts are missing words in places, I'm using my phone and it has decided to be a little crazy this morning!

And how would he support the kids full time if he gave up work? Surely he would be likely to end up in council accommodation to. You say he would fiddle his books so he wouldn't have to pay for his kids? This will look great in court when he goes for custody? He hasn't got a clue what he's talking about. I live in council accommodation, I'm not on an estate, I'm in a normal house with nice neighbours, my kids are having the best possible upbringing without their verbally abusive father in the house, their mum is happy and there's no bad atmosphere in the house, I have shown them that it's not right to put up with being with someone who doesn't treat you right.

If your not happy then leave him now, don't wait, don't create a bad atmosphere for your children to pick up on.

Thank you for your reply love my grandparents lived on a council estate and I have nothing but happy memories growing up there, I am not worried about that at all, I'm just worried about the trouble DP will cause and how he will make our lives difficult.

I know I need to leave sooner or later but I literally have nothing so my aim is to get money and furniture together before I actually go. I wouldn't even know how to go about leaving without money, a roof over my head and furniture, surely the courts would see that DP has all this and it would go against me?

Are you in rented accommodation or is it his house?

The courts won't let him have the kids on the grounds that he has more money than you. hes just trying to scare you into not leaving, he wants you to stay so he can control you.

If you leave you will be able to claim income support on top of child tax credits, housing beniffit and council tax beniffit. You can go online and do a beniffits check to work out what you are entitled too as a lone parent. Your children are still tiny, you can eventually find work and better yourself ( I'm doing this now and claiming less beniffits ).

Will he support your studies/return to work?

Because he doesn't sound like he would...

Op have you looked on the 'entitled to' website? You may well find that with the benefits available you would be able to leave/kick him out. I was on there yesterday and was shocked at how much was available!!

I have told him that it's over tonight, not sure what to do next.

Make sure you follow it through, I told my ex it was over many times, it wasn't until I actually told him to pack his things and leave that he took me seriously (I told him I was taking the kids out and I wanted him gone when I get back).

Could you leave now and train part time while working? You'll (hopefully) share custody which would give you that time to attend the course/study...

greedy I'm looking in to all my options today. ExDP wants us all to stay living under one roof but with us separated. I'm not sure how this would work but I'm willing to try it out as I don't want to uproot DCs until I can support them on my own.

ExDP has admitted that he can't get over somethings that happened with my family when I was pregnant with DS resulting in me suffering badly with PND. It seems so unfair that our relationship has come to an end over something I had no control over and I have made a full recovery from PND and feel that I've really bettered myself as a person. It hurts to be honest, it hurts a lot.

Please remember everything he says is deliberately designed to make you believe you can't leave him. Get your own advice and RL support.

Don't allow him to blame your family and your mental health for being abusive towards you. It is his choice every time to behave this way.

Just a quick update.

I've ended things and I'm moving back in with my mum until I can get a council property.

Thank you for everyone's support and advice.

Well done! Just keep looking forward to the future.