Advice from others who've stayed together after infidelity?

[Fiddlesticks11]

I'm currently on maternity leave with my 6 week old DS & I'm struggling with things.
My husband had a ONS when DS was conceived.
I find some days really difficult & on others feel normal & able to get on without a 2nd thought. On the days that I struggle it feels like a wave of insecurity & doubt washes over me. I'm shocked at how much being cheated on has affected me. Before it happened I'll admit that I wasn't in a good place confidence wise but I feel that this has obliterated any shred of it.

Can anyone relate to this & if so how did you move past it & restore self esteem?

In relation to my husband, it's like I have a split personality. One minute I hate him & I'm repulsed by him & the next I'm petrified that he'll leave & meet some amazing woman whilst I'll never get over him/it. I've been with him since I was 18 & have never been with another man before.

Just wish my thoughts, feelings & emotions would settle for one way or another.

That sounds so difficult. Are you still together...how is he acting? How did you find out? I was pregnant going through infidelity , separation etc. then I took him back once the baby was born because I needed help, I wanted to be a proper family, I thought it would all go away. But it never did and we divorced when dd was 3.

Your hormones, tiredness, stress, emotions etc. are creating a storm right now and you won't be able to think clearly. It depends how he is acting...is he taking advantage of your vulnerability to make you shut up about your worries? Or is he supportive and apologetic?

That's so tough. I think at 6 weeks post birth your emotions will be all over even without this.

We are still together, I took him back pretty much 2 months after he cheated & not long from discovering pregnancy.
He has been a bit of a dick in terms of handling it. From what I have discovered from the world of the betrayed he is typical in giving me 'reasons why' he did it. None of which have anything to do with the real reason - plain selfishness.
The relationship was in a bad way before it happened & he was very unhappy. He said he could never leave his kids so instead he decided to sleep with a stranger for an hour?! But may I add he was so unhappy he was still sleeping with me
My pg hormones were very intense because of it but yeah Im made to feel that it shouldn't be discussed anymore & I'm told I'm willing things to go wrong & I'm always trying to pull everything down if I do want to raise it.

I think I know the future outcome of this also but it scares me.
With regards to him I know we don't work & are incompatible (after 18 years together?!) but there's part of me that finds it hard to let go.
I can only compare it to one of my kids all of a sudden finding interest in a toy that I want to give/throw away because they never played with it & then when they realise someone else wants to play with it they start kicking off. Sorry if that doesn't make sense!

It does make sense. 18 years is a long time and you are very invested in it. But he sounds dreadful about it. There might be hope if he was genuinely remorseful but blaming it on anything but himself is basically warning you that if he gets unhappy again, he'll do it again.

Make plans to leave , it doesn't have to be done immediately or with his input/agreement but as soon as you can see a better future, you can start to disengage and let go slowly. Easier said than done when you have so much on your plate. Best of luck.

Its emotional blackmail. 1st he tells you he had an ONS because he was unhappy in the relationship. Guilt transference. 2nd he now threatens you with that to keep you guessing. You will end up with a breakdown unless you end it. Your MH is worth more than him.

It's ok to decide at this stage you can't get past it.

He's not exactly fighting for you is he ?