Can somebody give me hug, please?

[Chandra]

I'm having a rubish day today,, after many years of problems, DH and I might divorce and... my father rang last night after midnight to tell me he was very upset at the thought that I could be blocking MIL (who is almost a legend in Mumsnet) from seeing DS. It took me 45 min to convince him I was not blocking MIL from anything but, if her son didn't want to spend time with her, I was not going to be insisting him for us to go and visit her particularly after the way she has acted towards us.
Nightmare, it's not that I had expected some support because I'm getting divorced... but I never expected this.

My mother has also told me not to expect any support from them, as her parents divorced and she is convinced that if her grandmother had not been so "helpful" when her mum separated from her father, she wouldn't have left the marriage.

My sister told me last week that I was a selfish person as "as a wife, I was not here to change the world but to conform and submit to DH's needs". (she is a 1930's model and well proud of it)

Holy... I am remembering why I spent so much time out of the house when I was living with them.

Today I feel lonelier than ever.

Thanks Mars!!!

Califrau, that's not Spanish! believe me it's not!

is... [mutters] Spanglish, a good language in itself although lots of people think that's Spanish

Cali.... what's a little bosom suffocation betwixt friends?

no, that is Spanish, although it is used both in Andalucia and Latinamerica

Spanglish is fascinating, a perfect mix between the two languages, I was fascinated with it, have you heard the conjugating of English verbs with Spanish endings?

I don't know, but it's working!

chandra, can only offer another ample bosom if you can take it..

I can, thank you, Mars has gone to sleep

I really don't know what I would do without you all.

Thank you

Oh

Somebody please turn on the light! I don't know who I am hugging anymore!

bigga hugga coming your way Chandra

{{{}}}

chandra sorry to hear you're having such a terrible time....tis late, but have another hug...{{{{hug}}}

Chandra and at your sil and the wedding ...... not even on the same level, but my sil wanted dp to buy a new suit (their brother had married the previous year and he was going to wear the same one again) despite the fact that at the time we had no money, and dp never wears suits at any other time....I told him to ignore her and siad on the day she wouldn't even notice (I was right!)

How are you feeling today, Chandra?

I am going through a marriage break up atm, with very little family support, so I know how much it hurts.

Feel free to CAT me if you ever want to chat.x

Hi Chandra - just caught up on this and your other message on the allergies thread. So sorry and more {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} Would offer you my droopy bosoms but think you would prefer the ample ones! Also sorry to hear about your experience on the plane ...x

(((hugs)))

And believe me, if we're talking ample, I'm sure I can give MarsLady, Califrau and Keeplaughing a good run for their money...! I'd be a great shape if only I didn't have a stomach to match.

Sounds to me like a major case of collective denial. It's understandable that they're scrabbling around for an explanation they can cope with about why their son can't make you happy. They will have it that it's your professional frustration because that's easy to understand, and they'll cling to that in the teeth of all the evidence. It's no good arguing. This is the scenario they are able to live with so this is what they'll go to their graves believing.

It gets bad, though, when they can't accept that a child in their family has life-threatening allergies. My father used to be rather like that; his genetic stock must be perfect, so if, for example, my brother was rather short-sighted it had to be because, er, I know, he used to wear those sunglasses indoors. Nothing to do with the fact that our mum was rather short-sighted too. I wasn't terribly successful at exams because I'd had a knock on the head at age 5, I couldn't possibly be not very good at passing exams (or rather, not very good at knuckling down and learning the subject #cough#). But at least he would not have done anything that was actively dangerous because he was in the real world enough to recognise there was a problem, even if there had to be some off-the-wall explanation for it. On the other hand my BIL encouraged his daughter to drive a car because he didn't believe she could possibly have a progressive eye condition - her mother was making a drama out of it, all those visits to the hospital were to get attention, his daughter was fine, of course she could drive. Fortunately she was a bit too smart to believe it herself in the long term or there could have been a very mournful outcome.

So to your in-law problem. There's no way their grandchild can REALLY have such a condition - and certainly their son could not possibly be putting the child at risk, obviously he would never do that, so it must be you being fussy. If they ignore it everything will be fine, well maybe he'll throw up a bit but we can pass it off as a small child's reaction to all the excitement. Do they think a little boy having to be carried off to hospital with toxic shock will cast a damper on their daughter's wedding? No, of course not, because it isn't going to happen. Or if it does happen it will be your fault. You did it on purpose to spoil the party.

One can see where they're coming from, in a sense, and everyone has their little blind spots and prejudices, but it's not funny when a child's life is at risk from that attitude. A whole family together assuring each other of some kind of comfortable reality where inconvenient illnesses etc don't happen to "people like us". It's understandable, it's common, and it's dangerous. You meanwhile are living on Planet Earth and expect reason and evidence to have some kind of bearing on how people look at things. You keep trying to explain it to them and it makes your head spin because they just don't get it. They never will. No wonder you want out.

You've got it coming at you from all angles No wonder you feel so low. Never ceases to amaze me how some people see things one way and that's it. No possibility that someone else's perception may be different, let alone right. Even more hurtful when they're family.
The allergy thing floored me. You'll do the right thing for your son despite it all but it must be so hard for you
((hugs)) and hope things look a bit brighter today.

If I had an ample bosom, it would be yours.
((flat-chested hugs))

I'm shocked at the level of bosom generosity! Thank you all.

Your posts helped a LOT, there were so many things happening at the same time that I was starting to believe that I could be in the wrong, but today things are clearer and yes, the storm is not yet over but feels more bearable. I can not expect my family to understand much anyway as I only see them twice a year and they are certainly not around to see how things are going on, so... I don't think I will tell them more about my plans or the situation as I really don't need to get demoralised at this time.

As for the ILs, had a chat with H last night and told him I felt bad about all these things happening, but I also knew that it was a long overdue thing. He said he was so tired of their attitude that he felt that they deserve it although he thought they would be winding each other up about how we dared to do SIL that. It also seems like the scare during the flight last monday has finally opened DH's eyes about how bad DS's allergies are, and he has been very careful this week, I wish it lasts, it would make such a HUGE diference.

Thanks again,

Chandra

Really hope you sort things out, chandra one way or the other. Good news about dh taking notice of ds's allergies - can't be too careful.