Repetitive thoughts about a man who ghosted me.

[FindingJessica]

Has anyone tried any type of thinking / mind control techniques to help them to retrain their thoughts.
I had a horrible although brief relationship with a man who 'ghosted' me. I think him leaving my life was probably the best thing he could have done if this is the way he treats people but I am now left with repetitive thoughts about him. I really want to somehow try and retrain my brain.
I've had some recent counselling and identified why it triggered so much sadness and anxiety which has helped. My anxiety has really reduced as have my physical symptoms of it. I'm managing very well in all areas of my life again now and don't seem to feel that sad now. I think because I have spent so much time going over and over wondering why he left my life suddenly with no explanation the thoughts have become habitual and I can't move on. I could move on and meet someone else who would make me much happier but my brain feels stuck in a rut.
Has anyone got any experience of this or techniques they have tried?

no help either but interested if anybody know's

Find your flow!

Have you ever been so engaged with an activity that time just fly's? That's flow. The state of flow is a great distraction, find something you enjoy doing and do more of it.
Also, perhaps make a note of times in the day when you tend to think about it more - of an evening? During your commute? Think of little things you can do to focus your mind such as a creative activity or listening to music (empowering strong music! No Celine Dion!)
Are you dating again? I've found when ruminating over a man its good for me to put myself back out there and find another distraction.
It is tough though, habituation is hard to break but it is achievable - like quitting smoking or going on a diet.
Stay strong x

It's a very strange experience as I'm in my 40's, previously survived a hellish divorce fairly well, through various life experiences and past relationships have become quite resilient and have in the last few years met quite a few single men in my real life who've found me attractive with a good personality so it's possible I'll meet someone else and I realise my 'ghost' is not the only fish in the sea. I also initially didn't find him attractive, he was stressed and unreliable but he was the one who really wanted to see me. Contact dwindled after 6 months and then he disappeared with no goodbye, just ignored my last message. That was 3 months ago and it's bizarre that my brain is just stuck on him, I don't think my heart is though. In fact today my head feels clogged up with the wondering to the point my face and head feel really tight. I know I must sound bonkers.

Distance yourself from the thoughts.

So, the thoughts are a traffic jam. The cars (thoughts) can't go backward or forwards. They are stuck. Now see yourself in a hot air balloon up in the sky looking down at the traffic jam and the cars. Its just a traffic jam and cars. Have no interest in it. Feel the space between the hot air balloon and the cars. This is the space you need to create. Just observe the thoughts without any interest in them.

Thanks Blueshoes, that's good advice. I was just thinking I need to do something creative and completely different to completely get my brain out of this state. Maybe like some pottery.
You're right about getting into Flow.
I'm not dating again as I wasn't sure it was a good idea in this mindset, I didn't want to be off guard and get into a wrong relationship or make myself feel worse or have this happen again.

I think 'find your flow' is good advice.
Your heart will catch up with your head in time. I think you've also got to tell yourself off when you become aware that you are thinking about it too much. It is and he is, a waste of time.
In my opinion, people who do this are either very weak and cowardly and/or very spiteful.

That's a brilliant analogy noego, that's a good way of looking at it.
I won't go near social media or dating sites at the moment. I think I'd feel awful seeing him on anything.
I'm trying to just focus on me and if I meet anyone else in real life I do and if not then maybe that's how it is for me. This experience has really put me off OLD.

Dont stalk his social media, it will set you back.
Focus on yourself and snap your focus back onto yourself when you find yourself thinking about him. Try to forget about him, im sure him walking away is not a reflection on you but it speaks volumes about him. Your well rid imo.
I highly suggest meditation, i started off by doing just 10 mins per night, now i can do it for hours if i didnt have other things to do.
Remember, stay focussed on you. Its his loss x

I'll get more focused on meditation. I think this is a sign I need to get more emotionally balanced and hopefully emerge stronger.
I found it helped today to tell myself to not think about it just for today and I feel much lighter.
This is exactly why people shouldn't ghost on others, it would take them a minute to say a polite goodbye in a text to give the other person closure which could save someone months of anxiety.

Meditation will help, but beware after the meditation the mind will return and so will those thoughts. Distance yourself from those thoughts. They are not real.

It's interesting how well we can seemingly recover from a divorce or separation especially if we have checked out of the relationship
But with something where we have not been allowed to have some sort of closure even if the relationship wasn't that long lived it can really seriously affect us.
I would love to be able to turn my brain off sometimes. Meditation soulnds like a good idea
And perhaps some more counselling. If you're a intelligent human which you sound like it can be easy to identify root causes and patterns of behaviour, but if they subconscious then there is perhaps a deeper reason that you've struggled to move on and it might be good to talk to someone further about it