Feel like i should give the DC to their Father - can't cope anymore.

[donners312]

Long story will try to keep it brief and have posted loads of times.
Backstory is - my ex was abusive and when we got divorced he emptied the bank accounts, left me and DC homeless and has not paid maintenance for two years.

He is now living with a millionaire and i work 12 hours a day to keep a (tiny) roof over our head. They both don't work.

I am at the point where i am so ill, we can't get a council house so far and i don't feel i can manage anymore.

I think the DC should go and live with him so i can try and get on my feet. I should add he will not want them i don't think and i feel terrible for the DC that they might think i don't want them when the opposite is true but i literally cannot go on like this anymore.

Also he is abusive, a narcissist and about 95% psycho.

However tough things arecwith your kids, it can't be worse than them living with an abusive father.

What have you tried to get him to pay maintenance? It sounds like that would make a massive difference. If he won't pay for them, would he even take them anyway?

Forgot to ask, who have you got in your corner? Have you tried the CAB?

Thanks purple - TBH we have been to court 8 times mostly over money and he just knows every single trick in the book. Loaded so doesn't work , therefore no maintenance obligations.

He just gets away from everyone.

But he is a massive bully and without going into too much details the court have facilitated that, on another of my posts a pp described it as abuse through court or something which really hit a nerve.

He won't want them i doubt. I do want and love them but i am worried I am going to end up in a box myself.

I have been t oCAB but there was nothing the solicitor said i could try that i haven't.

So you think it will help sending them to live with an abusive arsehole?

Have you registered with ALL Housing Associations, contact CAB also for advice, they may know of a service or community project that might help you. You surely must be getting benefits and should not have to work 12 hours every day.

I'd not let my kids within an inch of the monster.

Have you tried single parent charities?

Adora - you try telling the courts that. They push for contact under any circ's from what i see. The don't care that he is abusive to me or the children (only psychological, mental and financial abuse of them ,but physical as well with me) and it really counts for nothing. well they put in the court order he is not allowed to abuse or harass me. Im not joking!

I had all the evidence but they see his relationship with the DC as the main priority and order that. and many other things which allow him to continue bullying me.

I don't work every day no, but i am on minimum wage.

He'd not bully me no more, I'd make it pretty impossible for him regardless of the courts; how can he be allowed to see his children when he does not support them; bloody awful that you are having to suffer at the hands of an abuser as well as your kids; what do the Police say, are there no reports on him, did the Courts actually accept he was violent and abusive, if so, I don't get it.

Do you have a spare room at all or could you do any work from home?

Have you tried the GP? Where is your family, support network, anyone?

He'd not bully me no more, I'd make it pretty impossible for him regardless of the courts; how can he be allowed to see his children when he does not support them

With respect, it's not that simple. It's a shit system, a soul destroyingly shit system, but you can't just disregard a court order unfortunately. From bitter personal experience I know this.

No but you can make it really bloody difficult for a man that has abused them from seeing them.

It sounds crazy to me that a court would order them to stay with him when he's abused them, what a shit system indeed.

He had a police warning for harassment had the proof of that and i had been no contact with him for over a year. The court said that i have to have direct contact with him for the benefit of the children - my solicitor had told me this would never happen but it did. I told the court he was abusive but they don't care.

We had to move into the worlds tiniest flat and share a room and i am on the list for a council house and i don't understand the process I have phoned so many times and no one answers the phone i don't think i will ever get one.

My family are great but i don't have many friends as we had to move to a new area when we got divorced. I have been to the GP and am on anti depressants and beta blockers etc as i am so stressed i cannot sleep and it has been two years now. He is hell bent on destroying me - which he has done but still won't stop bullyinig and threatening me. He is a manipulative charmer.

Meanwhile he goes on holiday drives a car worth more than my flat and sits in his mansion taking selfies all day. I just can't live with it anymore. i know i am bitter and full of hatred i don't want to be like that. and thank you for your messages!!!

It's what happened to me, apparently financial abuse and lack of support is irrelevant, also the fact he was physically and sexually abusive to me wasn't taken on board as he was never convicted and I CAN'T make it difficult for him to see them or I risk custody of DS1 and 28 days for contempt of court.

OP have you contacted the CAB? They can offer advice, practical advice and help you in dealing with the housing and CMS. You're doing a bloody good job coping with all this, in the face of such fuckwittery from your ex, it sounds like you just need a wee bit of support in RL.

I am not surprised you are bitter lovely, I would be too. Have no useful advice but think you sound a bloody good mum doing her best in shit circumstances.

Feel really sorry for you OP, none of that is right, surely there must be someone out there who can fight your corner.

thank you notreallyarsed. I do feel like i do get support and i just don't know where to turn now really.

I just feel like saying 'here you go they are all yours" and getting on a plane. He would flip his nut and it's not fair on the kids. And i know i will get flamed for this but i am resentful towards them as well (I do love them and don't let them know i feel like that) but they are quite happy to be ignored and treated like shit by him, in fact they are giddy when they see him and i even feel like why am i slogging my guts out for you when you don't care if i treat you well or not. does that make sense? I know i should be above that but i just can't do this anymore.

What is the possibility of accepting housing in a different part of the Country, is that possible?

Thanks adore, I don't know, i don't think we are in a particularly sought after area to be honest.

No OP, the kids behave like that because they are constantly seeking his approval, this is heart breaking, I just don't get how anyone can think it good for these children to be around him.

Believe me it's you they would turn to not him.

I know I need to forgive him and park my anger and resentment but i just can't let it go. I wish him dead every day. when we were married i never thought twice about him and now it is like an all consuming anger of hatred towards him because he just won't go away. I have never stopped him seeing the DC but he chose to live 6 hours away and court have ordered i have to take the children to him as well which is adding to my stress (because he is unemployed and i work) it is all just so unfair!! *(hate sounding whiney and babyish but it really bloody is)

Thank you adore. You know he never saw them for 2 years and has only recently been asking to see them. My son has been like a different boy without his 'father' around. Then now he has started to see him he keeps making himself be sick he is getting in such states (unrelated) and all his compulsive behavior is coming back and he keeps crying (he is 11). He has been so balanced and happy without his dad about. (everyone has commented on this not just my opinion) but last night he told me he really wants to see his dad etc (which is fine in theory) but ij just feel it doesn't make him happy. Its interesting what you say adore i hadn't thought of it like that. My poor poor children and now me like this too.

How old are the children op?

So angry on your behalf OP, I need to go, hopefully someone more knowledgeable can help you here.

Thanks for help adore.
Skyatnight - they are 10 and 13. feel so bad for them, 2 crap parents!!

You poor poor woman. What an awful situation for you. You truly sound at the end of your tether. Do you think you could go to the gp and talk it through? It sounds like you need some counselling to work through the pain that this piece of shit has caused you. You most definitely have the right to be fucking raging. What a cunt. Do you think it might be possible to be signed off with stress for a while to give you a chance to regroup?

About the kids though, you need to find another way. Are you claiming everything you are entitled to? You can't send them to live with your arsehole ex. I know it is utter desperation making it seem like the only answer, but your kids are so much better with you. One day they will realise what you have done for them, but for now he will be the novelty and that fucking sucks. The parent who sticks around and takes all the crap is the real hero. It just takes kids a while to realise that.

Thanks storm - i know what you are saying is true. I can't take any time off work that is for sure i need every flipping penny as i was left with nothing and have received nothing so i definitely have to work (like a dog).

I have asked for counseling but i don't know i always seem to get fobbed off. i wondered about trying relate for me and the children as i am worried about them especially as my son is doing this weird being sick behaviour. he had some behaviour issues before (when i lived with his dad) but they had completely gone and now seem to have flared up now that twat is back on the scene.