Hate arguing in front of kids

[HulaMelody]

Why is it always me who has to plaster the brave face on for the kids? DH and I had an argument earlier; he chucked his wedding ring at the wall beside me. Luckily the kids were playing in their bedroom but my elder DD (4) got quite upset and I had to explain how parents sometimes shout at each other to clear the air. But DH gets to stomp off in a mood, telling me he doesn't want to be near me. I'd love to just go hide and cry my eyes out but I don't have the option.

You should both be able to control yourselves enough not to throw anything and sulk.
Your DH sounds like a wanker with poor communication skills who is setting a bad example to his children on how to behave when you don't get your own way.

I'd not let him carry on with that OP, they are his children too and he needs to stop showing them a shit example of how two adults behave in a relationship; that would bother me the most.

I wish I could know how. We are both visiting a counsellor (and I'd suggested seeing one together for relationship counselling).
He took antidepressants for a couple of weeks after an episode at the start of the year but hasn't gone back to the doctors. And has received lots of advice and literature from the counsellor on anger management but it has just sat untouched in a folder.
It seems that whenever I express that I'm hurt about something (or like today when he woke in a shitty mood and just snapped at us all constantly) it escalates into something totally disproportionate and I'm left trying to downplay it to the kids while feeling miserable myself.

Feel your pain OP but to chuck his wedding ring against the wall is either incredibly childish or he's trying to threaten you, neither are right, never mind the effect on your children.

Hopefully all that counselling will help.

HulaMelody,

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?.

Why was anger management suggested in the first place?. Who suggested this? BTW am not surprised it has lain untouched; such men do not think they have a problem.

Also re the part you mentioned re anger management for him what is he like with family, friends and other people generally. Does he get as angry with them too?. It could be argued that if he can control himself around others then he does not have an anger management problem. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviour.

Domestic abuse is not about an abusers inability to contain their anger but rather their deliberate use of anger to control their victim. If we choose to enrol an abuser onto an anger management course we simply give them additional controlling skills.

What do you think you are both teaching your children about relationships here apart from yes, people really do behave like this and currently at least this is acceptable to you. You want this to become their norm too in their relationships?. Its no legacy to leave them. You and in turn your children seem to be walking on eggshells around this individual.

What

What sort of counsellor is he seeing?.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I would go to counselling on your own because you need to talk in a calm and safe environment. He likely will not attend any sessions in any case because he probably thinks he has done nothing wrong here.

If you hate arguing in front of the kids, don't bloody do it. Simple. Mine never did. If your husband has a temper and anger management issues, then leave him. Seriously. Don't allow your children to keep witnessing it.

I don't want to leave him. We've both had a really tough time the last few years. But I don't want the kids thinking that it's ok to put up with shit.

You shouldn't be putting up with his shit either OP, throwing things is intimidating and a sign of threat; stop plastering over the cracks, tell him it's either counselling or you are done.

He's taking full advantage of you being the main carer and flouncing off and punishing you whilst you are having to deal with the kids, that's not a good partner.

LTB

I don't want to leave him. We've both had a really tough time the last few years. But I don't want the kids thinking that it's ok to put up with shit

Talk to him rather than mumsnet?

Sometimes you can get into a cycle of tit for tat and negativity, to maybe change the dynamics could you have a break from each other and then try again with fresh eyes and a better attitude, might be worth a go.

Gee HarryElephante I'd never thought of that...I'm stuck in the house with two kids all day today and I'm struggling for impartial people to talk to about this. I feel very fucking lonely. Thought that's where Mumsnet would help.

We do talk about things a lot. But discussions followed by kind words and reassurances don't mean that much when inevitably there's a huge escalation of every disagreement.

Gee HarryElephante I'd never thought of that...confusedI'm stuck in the house with two kids all day today and I'm struggling for impartial people to talk to about this. I feel very fucking lonely. Thought that's where Mumsnet would help

Apologies. I hope you work things out

Been here a few times with my dh.
Not sure how the dynamics with you and your dh work but in my house both me and dh are similar in that we are both strong characters so every now and then we will butt heads. It's normal.
I know some people here will say it's not but it is frustration and stresses that build up and sometimes all comes out over a little thing that escalates.
If we feel both abit on the stressed frustrated side and end up having words we will carry on parenting together when it's a day we are both home and if it's a day we aren't together (we had words the other morning just before work)then we have the day to calm down.
Trying to talk calmly about stuff is tricky when your both annoyed or frustrated so we just step back and yes dh and gone off out before and I've been home with the kids but I just get on with it. Il take them off to do things as per I would normally do and he has txt to say sorry for walking off but didn't want to fall out especially with dc there.
It's better he's gone off out but not good that he's thrown his ring at you.

I always say to dh that when things r tough and stressful and tempers flare is when decisions should never be made.
My dh has gone off out so that it doesn't escalate and it's the best thing in my opinion,although it sounds like you guys are having a really stressful time right now.

Let him calm down and you do what you normally would with your dc and when he comes back later both of you will hopefully be calm enough to sit down and talk properly.

If that isn't the case then he has issues he needs to deal with.
Good luck op

Good advice above and I do agree apart from him being violent, throwing things against a wall is never ok.

How are things op?
It always feels so massive at times and overwhelming when we fall out as it rocks the equilibrium in our own space.
Did he come back ok?