We're making each other miserable

[Wingles10]

We've been together for a decade, one DC. We've always had the same goals and have spent the last 5 years working towards our goals together. In a couple of years we'll have reached our goals and will have the life we've worked hard to achieve.

The trouble is, for the past 2 or 3 years, things have just been getting worse between us. There's no arguing, bad behaviour or hurtful words. Just not enjoying each other's company and bringing each other down every day.

It's weird. The family stability is all there, we parent very well together and make our schedules work so everything is covered at home. But that's it. We live separately whilst living together, if that makes sense. Spending time with him is easy because of his personality but he doesn't make me laugh or engage me in interesting conversation like he always used to. I've always made him laugh lots and still try to but he often misunderstands my jokes these days, either just doesn't get them or takes them in the wrong way.

It's hard to get excited about anything anymore. We book holidays and appreciate what we're doing but there's no excitement.

I recently attempted to learn about his hobby so we could have something to talk about but it didn't work.

He's a really good person. He's messy and lazy whereas I'm the total opposite so that causes regular friction. Everything is just stale.

Sorry to say but could just be at a natural end, no conflict, no jealousy, arguing etc would indicate to me total apathy for each other in that sense, although I am sure you both care deeply for each other.

Try counselling as a last ditch attempt?

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

You mention you have reached your goals - I assume they have to do with the house you live in, your holidays etc, but have you ever talked about goals for the relationship?

I could have written your post to the letter. It seems a shame to end things when nothing drastic has happened,that's how I feel. We are stable,plodding along. We are going to try counselling to see if we can remember some common ground of why we are actually together and see what happens.
Good luck to you,whatever you decide.

What has he done to get interested in your life again? You've said what you've tried but not what he has tried. Is he interested in trying?

I think I could have written this post OP. No advice, as in a similar situation. I especially understand when you say about the 'jokes'. Minor things can cause us to bicker for example if I tell him something 'funny' I saw, or engaged in on social media, he looks at me like I have 2 heads. When I try and explain he can get oddly snappy. It is so draining. My only plan atm is to return to work (been unemployed for a few months!), carry on studying, and with a little more financial freedom my wage will allow I'll go about entertaining myself and the children independently (I often have to drag him to things, we don't have similar interests really). Hopefully, with a bit more space between us things will be clearer. More importantly, I think this is common in long term relationships. They need continuous bloody work!

Just be careful that there is still respect for each other there because once that goes then there's not much left; counselling will at least help you both unravel what is going on and help you make a decision, one way or the other.

I've been in a relationship for 16 years and what keeps it good is kindness and respect, being in LTR does not mean you start to be nasty to each other.

Also, what's the point in being in partnership if one partner is not actively involved.

Thank you for the replies, I felt daft after I hit post so I'm really glad to read your helpful responses.

Kindness and respect has definitely dwindled over the years on both parts. He used to regularly bring me little treats home from shopping (like a twix, nothing crazy) just because he passed by it and thought of me. Can't remember the last time he did that. I used to enjoy baking for him and would always ask him for his advice on work things because he was more qualified than me and I respected his opinion. I can't remember the last time I did either of those things either.

He went through all of his training & I looked after the home and him, that lasted for a few years. Then I started retraining and we switched roles. He was great. I can tell he's resenting it now though.

We've never really had relationship goals. We both wanted to be in a position where we can be our own bosses and live and work anywhere together. We're not far off that now. He'll regularly say 'it'll be amazing when we're in ' and I just think, but it won't though, will it? We'll still be fed up with each other.

It's impossible to know whether it'll be like this in another relationship too though, the whole 'the grass isn't always greener' thing. What if we split up and things are worse alone?

Sorry to see a couple of you are in similar positions. It's really suffocating. I hope things improve for you

Don't feel daft, it's obviously a problem for you.

How old are you? Could there be a bit of midlife crisis going on? I'm 44, and I am definitely having a bit of a midlife crisis! Do you feel like you have reached your goals but you are actually a bit bored now? Maybe it's time to set new goals?

I am thinking that you are in a different point of your life now and perhaps you don't want the same things anymore? I have a friend who is planning to go round the world with her family, she is hoping it will spark some life into her marriage and be a great experience for all of them. It doesn't have to be that dramatic though, but perhaps it can inspire you?