DP won't TTC after miscarriage- grounds for divorce?

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Not literal divorce since we aren't yet married but you catch my drift.

Had a MC at 11 weeks eight weeks ago. The baby was completely unplanned but after the initial shock wore off, we were both incredibly thrilled and excited. It wasn't the most perfect timing but we were over the moon regardless and figured out a way to make it work.

The miscarriage was very traumatic, I almost died after hemorrhaging. We were both devastated although admittedly it has knocked me more than him. I've fallen into depression, have a lot of anxiety and insomnia. It's been dreadful.

All I've wanted ever since the miscarriage is to try again for another baby. I have said I'd wait until I completed my counselling and felt emotionally healed but that I don't want to wait for years, I'd ideally like to start trying early next year. I'm almost obsessed with the notion of becoming pregnant again, it's all I want.

Problem is, DP refuses to try again. One reason being he believes his sperm caused the miscarriage and he's afraid it'll happen again. Another reason being he wants to wait until we're actually completely ready. His points are entirely valid, I can't dispute them but it's not what I want .

It's causing rifts between us, namely the contraception thing because I had the implant fitted three weeks ago purely to appease him and it's making me feel even more depressed so I'm having it removed and he isn't happy about it.

We're at loggerheads over it and I don't know what to do really. One of us is going to have to roll over and as usual it seems like that someone is me... I don't want us to separate at all but I don't know how we're going to get around this.

There is never ever the right perfect time to have a baby. You could put if off forever if you are waiting to be completely ready.

He has flip flopped around a lot. Shortly after the MC he agreed we could TTC at the end of this year and that he saw no issue with that. On two other occasions he has said similar, that he loved me being pregnant and doesn't see a problem with us trying again as soon as I feel emotionally better.

But the most recent discussion a couple of days ago was him being adamant we can't try again for a while yet for reasons I stated above. He simply doesn't feel ready to be a father even though when I was pregnant he was over the moon and couldn't wait .

I agree with Nellie.

You're only 8 weeks past a traumatic miscarriage - you almost died. I can see why he would be reluctant to try again so soon.

I think you both need to take some time, let wounds heal a little if I'm honest

It was only 11 weeks ago. You are both in a deep state of grief - I think you both need to be a bit gentler with each other and not make or hold each other to big decisions. Have you talked about this at your counselling? And is he getting counselling too?

Sorry I mean 8 weeks ago!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC last year at 12 weeks and have had other earlier losses. It's the fucking worst.

Would your DP consider having some counselling together? He sounds like he's all over the shop if he keeps changing his mind and it must be confusing for you both.

Your MMC will have knocked you for six, I know mine did me, and the last thing you need while you're recovering is this awful uncertainty in your relationship.

Yes, it's early days since it happened, but this is a good test of your relationship as well and worth having a good think about whether he's the man you want to father your children. When you get pregnant again even if it's a straight forward pregnancy you could have some anxiety about it following what you've been through and you need to know he's on the same page and will be there to support you.

I don't like the way he's hanging the possibility over you and then taking it away. If he's traumatised and having a lot of conflicting emotions he needs to try and find a way to express them, not make it seem like you have to earn the right to his sperm, or to trying again, when you've proved something, when the rules could keep changing.

He may be having a delayed reaction to what happened as well. While the physical experience and trauma were yours, he must have felt terrified and helpless knowing you were in such danger and there was nothing he could do to help you. The his sperm caused it thing sounds a bit weird but he may be petrified of getting you pregnant and then almost losing you again. Has he mentioned anything about that to you? If his worries about his sperm are genuine, I can't see how waiting a few months will make that go away.

I'd definitely suggest counselling, together, as the next step. Have you been in touch with the miscarriage association?

I'm going through counselling but he hasn't mentioned feeling the need for it, I'll raise it with him though. He has mentioned that he believes he caused the miscarriage because there's something wrong with his sperm (which I have of course told him is almost definitely not the truth) and that he's afraid of not only losing me but also that if it happens again I'd have a complete breakdown.

I completely understand his points, they're all entirely valid but they conflict heavily with mine and it's becoming an issue. The fact he has continuously changed his mind on trying again has definitely hurt a lot. He's gone from saying if trying again is what it'll take for us to heal and get strong again, let's do it and that he loved me being pregnant and loves the idea of us having a child together etc to "I'm just not ready to be a father yet" in the space of ten days or so. So I just don't know what to believe!

Thank you for all the advice .

He was really excited then he saw you go through a traumatic miscarriage where you nearly died, it must have been hugely traumatic and upsetting for him as well.
It sounds like you are trying to get over the pain by desperately wanting another baby right away, but you may have to give him time to try and get past this horrible event too.

Yes I've said I'll wait a few months, I don't want to try until I've emotionally healed. I just don't want to wait years as it seems he does .

I had a similar experience, although we were trying for a baby.

I had a MMC found a 12 weeks, and I also haemorrhaged, I have quite a fuzzy recollection of this but my OH remembers it very clearly and he was so scared I was going to die. It was a lot of trauma for him to deal with.

We did try again straight away but unfortunately I had another MMC, after which he refuses to try again and also refused to put a date on when we could. I was so angry with him, but looking back I can see why he felt like that - he was just as scared as I was and it was his way of dealing with it.

He did come around to the idea of trying again, after about 5 months, and tbh it came out of nowhere from him.

I would give yourself some time to deal with what you have been through and in a few months you can reopen the conversation by which time you will have processed what happened.

Please don't make any rash decisions when you're still in such a vulnerable state.

Also, I'm so sorry for your loss

Now is not the time to decide anything. It is horrendous for you both to lose a baby at whatever stage and understandable you have depression.

But you do not make major decisions while a) depressed and b) grieving.

And while you are of course devastated to lose the baby, try and think what it must have been like for him - he almost lost you, too. In his shoes, I think I would be incredibly wary to TTC again at all, but certainly not in the immediate future. He's naturally terrified the same thing happening again.

Please be kind to him as well as yourself.

Up to 90% of miscarriages are caused by chromosome defects in the ova. It's strange he's convinced it's his sperm. He sounds like he may need counseling over his own self-image.