Would you stay with dh if he had an affair?

[granarybeck]

have just read thread about boundaries. i had never thought about boundaries in my relationship with dh, i just completely trusted/believed that he wouldn't want to do anything with another woman. HOWEVER, two months ago i found out that he had met a woman twice, first time for one night then a month later for twwo nights. For a month before, and a month after he had stayed in contact via text, though he says he had told her he did not want to see her again. (the last time he saw her was end of february). the thing is in terms of boundaries etc of whether it is enough to end a relationship, its a more than a one night stand but he didn't love her/want anything longterm with her. he is not living at home at the moment but i have no idea what to do now. i know that may sound ridiculous but i feel completely unprepared for this, i always just presumed we'd be togther forever, but just the two of us, never a third party. anyone know what they would do/ have done?

Sorry to hear about your problems granarybeck. It's so easy to make a sweeping statement, and think it would never happen to you. Before I had ds, I think if dh had a brief affair and was extremely contrite, and I felt I could trust him I would probably have forgiven him, but otherwise would have split. After ds it's a different story - financially he is supporting us atm, and I also feel guilty about how I made his life difficult when suffering from depression/anxiety disorder during pg so I think would be more understanding (though still furious/hurt/needing lots of reassurance).I think at lot depends on DH's attitude; whether he regrets what he has done or whether he just regrets getting caught out. What does he want to do atm? Would he be willing to attend counselling/woo you again? Is he a good father?

agree that it is very differnt after children, interms of losing the family life and financially. he says he was unhappy before, but felt unable to talk to me about it. i think he finds it hard to say anything negative to me, even though as a result he ended up doing something far worse. he says he does regret it, but he is going to say that. if i hadn't have found out i'll never know whther he would have regretted it or whther it would have been something enjoyed but realised he shouldn't really have done. i think he regrets what it has caused, ie. distress/upset to me and kids, him moving out etc. he is a very good father. i think that does make it worse in some ways, i don't know how he could jeopordise their security and family life. part of me doesn't want to give up on us, but him having had such intimacy with someonelse is something i don't know how to get past.

Hi Granarybeck. My Dh's affair was for a year (now a year and a half) and he "fell in love" I was more than prepared to have him back. Deep down probably still would. And he has never shown any remorse/attempted to put things right. I know instinctivly that he was the one for me.The father of my children and my soulmate. I also know that at some point in their lives alot of men have thewir moments of madness/mid-life crisis/running scared...whatever it is-they have it. It's up to you (stating the obvious) but you know if you can do this and only you. But relationships DO get through this and believe it or not they CAN get stronger. It will never be the same but it can be done. Good luck honey. {{{{{}}}}}

Thanks spook. what you said really hits home. he is my everything, my friend, my partner, my soulmate. but i thought i was his everything. but as you say i know he has just turned out to also be a typical man who does these midlife crisis things. i do so want to get through this but feel i am at the bottom of the pit and no idea how to start to get over it. its just so hard to imagine a future together with his affair with another woman part of our lives together. equally though imagining my future without him literally takes my breath away. thanks, though, i really appreciate your thoughts as someone who has been through the feelings an affair brings. hope things are going okay for you

granarybeck - sounds like you really want to sort things out with dh but still feel very hurt at what he has done. what does your dh want? would he attend counselling/take things slowly, or would he just want his feet under the table and business as usual?

Gb I can't help feeling that your confusion is made greater by the fact that you are both living apart at the moment. I understand fully your absolute dispair and disbelief that your soulmate could do such a thing (as you know I've been in that situation, just a few weeks ahead of you)and I still now get days where I can't get past that disbelief. But positive things have come out of our dreadful situation, we are closer now than ever before, we understand each other more than ever, we make time for each other, we are trying to do new and different things together. I know every ones situation is different but I honestly believe for us that staying with each other through the absolute agony of the aftermath of an affair has made us both appreciate what we have together. He has had to watch and feel and deal with my grieving / my agony and pain for what he did to us. I know he now knows just how much he nearly threw away- for so little. Like Spook says it's that mid life crisis, what ever you want to call it. It happens to so many- Gb, don't throw away all the good times you had together because of his one stupid huge unforgivable mistake. You do not have to forgive him but you do need to come to terms with it IF YOU WANT TO!!! I went to counselling for me and am still going every now and then to let me let it all out and realise I'm not going mad, my reactions are normal (as are yours)I just feel that space makes more space. I know from what you've written before that you feel about your DH as I do about mine- not many people in life get even close to what we've experienced in a relationship (just read the papers ,TV, talk to others)You can get past this TOGETHER.Thinking of you and desperately wanting you to feel there is hope for your future.

I think there is unspoken boundaries in all areas of the relationship, which may be different for both dh and dw. Once one has been crossed, i.e. an affair, it can be very hard to trust again and for a while the relationship will feel awkward, and balances of power will be temporarily up in the air. But if both parties want to, I don't see how you can't get over it.

Never been in that situation (and can't you tell, lol!) but in a different "lost trust" one and I hope it can be worked through.

Good luck!

Also, I think it's a good thing you're living apart atm, as getting over it can produce love-him-love-him-not type emotions and healing will be easier apart IMO.

DP had an affair years ago, and it was awful. I completely relate to the soul mate thing. He was my best mate, the person i always shared my problems with, but he caused the biggest one and i found it really difficult to talk to him about it. In the end i told no-one and dealt with it on my own - i didn't want to involve friends or family. Now four years on we are married and have a DD. I think the situation made us stronger. We talk more openly about our feelings, and have fallen in love again. BUT sometimes nasty thoughts lurk, and i feel insecure all over again. We talk it through, he reassures me and we carry on. I was discussing someones similar situation with a friend, and she thought the wife was burying her head in the sand, if they do it once they can do it again sort of thing. May be he will may be he wont, but i love him, and need him - without him i am incomplete.
So live for today! Hope this helps. Hang in there, it gets easier.

thanks everyone. realy nice to hear from you again geordiegirl. you sound to be doing really well. as you can see, my situtaion is much the same as it was. i think a barrier i am facing, and i think it is to do with boundaries in relationships, is the physical intimacy dh has had with other woman. Now, if he comes anywhere near me it just makes me realise what he had with her - not in a oh you've done this with her way, but more that i realise, oh my god he was this close (physically)to someonelse. ther whole thing is si frustrating as sometimes i just want to be with him. i do miss him and sometimes just want to share things that have happened with him. then it makes me so upset that he has spoilt all that and nothing is that simple anymore.

It does get easier - believe me! The first time we were intimate after his fling i was as peed as a newt, but it seemed to break the barrier. Not ideal, but it worked.

Hi GB, I know exactly what you are saying about the intimate side of your relationship. For weeks after I found out The images in my head were so painful. The first few times we made love we just cried and cried. However I have learned to push those images away. I know I have something with my dh that SHE could never even get near to matching. I know that he and I learned and explored and adventured (and still do!) together SHE just had sex with him, it was the thrill of someone different that's all. I know their intimacy could never match the years of fun and closeness our intimacy has been and continues to be. You are the same, you had so much more with your DH than he evr had with this other woman, hang onto that. It does get bettter and the images, the pain goes away. I feel we have started a new chapter in our relationship and every moment is very precious. Email me if you want to talk, we never did get to meet up for a coffee?

i guess i now need to start learning how to push thoughts of him and her being together (in and out of bed) out of my head. i've never been very good at being able to not think of things or shut things out but i guess this situation means learning to do so will help me. i do know what he had with her doesn't compare with what he and I had but its such a shock to suddenly have another person even start to compare or compete with. i think underneath there is an element that i think i know we were perhaps neglecting each other a bit at that time (not physically, more in terms of talking openly, making each other feel good about themselves and appreciating each other) but i never knew there would be someone waiting in the wings to take over.that has made me feel so unsure of everything, i think its the loss of feeling safe or secure.

fee77, the only time i have had sex with him since was aided my quite a lot of wine. it did help break the barrier that had been there a bit. it was still so emotional though. the next day i still felt in emotional shock really. ...could have been partly caused by the hangover i guess

sorry by not my wine!

GB, when it happened to us it was at a time when we were a bit distant- caught up in work and home and all the things that can take over your life. However even my DH recognises there was not a real problem between us, not enough to cause what happened. Fron the moment we started to talk about his affair he always said he was the problem not us, a failing in his thinking at the time, a combination of circumstances and how he was thinking then, he accepts what he did was unforgivable and does not expect me to forgive rather come to terms with what he did and try to understand. It has taken a long time to start gettinr near that way of thinking but it helped us doing it together, the tears the painful conversations the not being able to trust him yet. He accepts now I will check his phone and his movements but it is getting less (my need to do so)we are re-building slowly. There are still times e.g went to put washing in machine yeterday, not even thinking about it I burst into tears and suddenly felt the absolute agony of "my soulmate was intimate with someone else!!!" so when the children were out of the way I pulled him to one side and told him of that incident and the devastation I still feel- he held me, we talked andmoved on a tiny bit more.The trouble is that until you confront those demonds they will lurk and hang over you forever!!

i think i am reaching a turning point. i am thinking more about what dh and i between and our potential rather than just feeling that immediate, though longlasting, pain of what he did. Because we have seperated and are living apart i think i have to be ready to move back in together and be a complete re-committing to each other. i can't risk, particularly for the children, him coming back, me not coping with it and us arguing or me getting at him all the time. i do know now though i think that i can't be without him forever. i do just miss him as a person too much. i just can't believe how painful it still is, even though i can feel it going slowly. Hope you have had a nice weekend x

Gb, we are all different, our relationships, our experiences our coping mechanisms. All I can tell you is my experiences- you are dealing with your pain in a different way and from what you are saying I think it is helping you see more clearly what YOU want in all this. I know we share the same agony of the pain and it is helpful to hear from you and others that this is normal and how others cope with it (or not as the case may be). time does heal, very slowly but it is possible to come back from this and even get better and stronger through it. Take care.

By the way did you read the thread about affair with ex-boyfriend!!!!! How can 1 woman do this to another?

i know!!!!! i was so shocked and mad. i couldn't post anything because i couldn't think of anything strong enough to express what i felt. i'll never know how someone could knowingly do that to another woman or family. And then to be so blatant! Don't set me off