How do I increase my social circle?

[user1499716615]

It may sound like a silly question, but hear me out. I'm divorced, early 50s, no children, and I'm from an ethnic minority. I have no family in this country, and I have a very small (shrinking) social circle. On the plus side I'm articulate, financially independent, healthy and I've invested in a new career. But in the last 5 years I've dealt with challenges like a relationship break-up and redundancy from a long-held, well-paid job and I seem to have weathered the shocks.

I've used my commonsense, and joined meet-ups groups which I find very helpful, I volunteer and I belong to a professional body. But I'd like to really have a meaningful relationship (dating sites - done that in my 40s), get myself a permanent job (I seem to be forever on fixed-term contracts) and above all, make some meaningful friendships with like-minded people. And I seem to have hit a brick wall. What do I do? Where do I start? I'd appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

Hi noego - thanks for that observation. Maybe you're right, maybe I have exacting standards (or expectations) of what friendships should be like.
Yes I'm slowly increasing my friendship circle, and I am very grateful for the acquaintances and new friends, but I guess what I'm looking for in all the clubs, groups and societies that I join, is for those who share the same outlook on life as I do.
For example, I'm fairly centre-right in my views, and I'm an arch capitalist. The people I've met with so far and those I've connected with are the opposite. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and you'd say that vive la difference and all that....
I guess what this thread has helped me realise is that I don't have problems making friends, nor do I lack the drive to get out there and reach out to others. I guess I should appreciate more the differences we have as human beings, rather than wanting to connect with those who are similar to me!

Personally I find I need one on one time with people in order to form deeper connections. So for example people I've met in the past through my choir have h been great mates/acquaintances and the relationship develops over time, meeting weekly, but to turn into a true close friendship I need one on one coffee dates or dinner or going to an activity as a twosome or smaller group. Which means you have to do the cringey "do you fancy coming to see this film with me" thing , but brave heart and all that...!
Oh, and, join a choir :-) it's amazing fun x

When you're close friends with someone, it doesn't matter what their politics, how they dress, what their lifestyle is or even their taste in music, films, books. It makes them, them and you love them for them.

Hi londonloves, noego, I'm finding this thread very cathartic and the more I post and the more replies I read the more I learn about myself!
Yes i have done the 'would-you-like-to-see-this-film' thing and I have done the 'come-over-to-mine-for-dinner'. I've invested in opening up to others, some have paid up, some haven't. But I give myself kudos for trying.
And yet others whom I've gotten to know better, I've formed opinions about that make me want to steer clear of them. C'est la vie. I don't beat myself up about it. Reading the suggestions of posters to this thread makes me realise that I'm on the right track, and if true friendships do result out of my efforts, then I'm all the richer. As ZaZathecat said in an earlier post, all I have to do is carry on and wait

What happens when you remove those judgments and opinions?

'What happens when you remove those judgments and opinions?'

I don't. Because those 'judgements and opinions' are about my own code of ethics, and what I'm about as a person. If that makes me judgemental, then I am.

I kind of get being judgemental. In fact I really do get it. With people I've known years it doesn't matter what their interests/politics/opinions/lack of opinions are. You have a shared history and even if they irritate you sometimes it doesn't really matter.

Otoh with new acquaintances, you are just getting to know them, and little (let alone big!) things can put you off. Some people, for example, are so ignorant of current events or even the world in general and I'm afraid the hairs on my arms do stand to attention when someone is extremely uninformed. Especially if they then pontificate about a subject! Also if an old friend had suspect political views you'd make sure you didn't go there in conversation, but if a newly-met person said they were UKIP/Momentum you'd possibly groan inside.

However, above and beyond all this, if someone holds their knife like a pen... no friendship possible!

Does being judgemental and opinionated then reduce the chances of increasing your social circle. I am getting the impression that one would have to be interviewed before being invited into your social circle. Its what you seem to be projecting. Just an observation.

What a fantastic thread this is turning out to be. I have learned so much about myself in the observations of others.

You are spot on, LadyinCement. With my established friends it doesn't matter one jot what their convictions/allegiances are, they're my friends because we share the same values and ethics, and I love them despite our differences. With new acquaintances I'm more discerning. You gave a good example. (Though I have to say I steer clear of stuff like politics with acquaintances).
Which brings me to noego's observation. You too are spot on. A new friend said to me, 'In the beginning it was difficult to see where you (where I) came from. You gave nothing away. I got the impression I was on approval.' And the learning for me is that perhaps if I was less discerning or less judgemental, I would definitely increase my stronger friendships. Perhaps yes. But I like being discerning about who I choose to be friends with. And maybe that's where the unconscious barriers may come up.
BUT....I'm comfortable saying that through all the efforts I've made so far in meeting people, I haven't yet met anyone with whom I feel a rapport and with whom I can relate to. I know I should give it...and them time, and I guess be less judgemental. That's not going to happen.