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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mental abuse

20 replies

user1499288566 · 10/07/2017 18:48

Has anyone suffered mental abuse and it's just changed who you are and way you see things just totally messed you up

OP posts:
Iamok0303 · 10/07/2017 19:10

Yes

user1499288566 · 10/07/2017 20:08

Are you still going through it

OP posts:
Tiredbutnotyetretired · 10/07/2017 21:16

Yes a few times throughout my life, therapy helps x

Cuckingfunt1981 · 10/07/2017 21:17

Yep and no idea how to stop it

KatelovesJames · 10/07/2017 21:22

I went through every kind of abuse with exh but found the emotional abuse has been the hardest to recover from. I wouldn't have known where to start if it hadn't been for a local domestic abuse charity.

I'm still not quite back to my pre-abuse mindset but getting there and in a good place. I left ex two years ago

user1499288566 · 10/07/2017 22:10

Did you ever question if it was abuse in your head

OP posts:
KatelovesJames · 10/07/2017 22:27

Constantly. He had me almost convinced I was going crazy or that the way he spoke to me was "normal".

JK1773 · 10/07/2017 22:27

I didn't see it was emotional abuse until I was free of it. I think it's hard when you're in the situation because the abuser (and his parents in my case) made their behaviour seem normal and reasonable. My blinkers fell off about 4 months before I finally decided to go. I would say I'm still not recovered from it 2 years on but I have a very supportive DP now who I can talk to if I'm struggling and who I've never seen any glimpse of any red flag behaviour in. I did question whether it was abuse or not at the time but I see it much more clearly now. I'm sorry if you're going through this

user1499288566 · 10/07/2017 22:29

What was the big things he used against you if you don't mind me asking

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everycloudandallthatjazz · 10/07/2017 22:38

Yes, with my ex. Left him a year ago and I don't regret it but I lived with it for years (we have 2 young DC together) and it did change me. I still feel the effects because he is still an utter bastard. It's not easy to recover from but it will get better.

How long have you been out of the relationship? How do you feel it's changed you?

KatelovesJames · 10/07/2017 22:46

I have a mental health condition so that almost made it easy for ex 🙄

I was an uncaring mother because I worked full time, I was a whore because he wasn't my first partner, that he was doing me a favour by making me a better person, how hideous I looked... The list was endless.

Emotional abusers will always find a way to beat your self worth and confidence down.

JK1773 · 10/07/2017 22:47

He would purposely start arguments if I ever did anything that he didn't like (basically anything that meant I wasn't sat next to him), would shout and carry on then ignore me for days at a time. If I criticised him everything was instantly my fault. He said if I didn't like the way he was I should leave. His parents were verbally abusive and aggressive to me and he just allowed it. If we went out in company he would just sit staring into space ignoring everyone, embarrassing me then criticising everything about the situation / people all the way home and for days afterwards. He and his parents would be moody and nasty if I wanted to spend time with my family. If things got too much and I broke down he'd accuse me of being mentally ill. When I decided to leave he contacted every one of my family and friends telling them I was having a breakdown, that I was ill, that I'd been abusive to him regularly (I hadn't). I could go on ...

everycloudandallthatjazz · 10/07/2017 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everycloudandallthatjazz · 10/07/2017 23:27

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWishedIWasSomeoneElse · 11/07/2017 16:56

I think you may have all been with my ex at some point from the descriptions above lol.
Ffs do they give these men a handbook on what to say.
Im only two months post breakup but i knew it from the start, that it wasnt right. I just made excuse after excuse because it seemed everytime he pushed me to my limit he would then be superman for a week or so, full of charm and charisma.
For me something just snapped a couple of months ago and i started calling him out on his abuse, and thats how i referred to it too. I made it perfectly clear i wasnt mad, crazy or any of the other things he called me and that i was fully aware that he was in fact an abusive bully and i ended it.
Unfortunately that tactic didnt work for me as he then became physically abusive. Im getting stronger though bit by bit, i still miss him and i hate that but im slowly unravelling the shit he put in my head

Adora10 · 11/07/2017 17:03

Heart goes out to all you wonderful women and what you have endured but ultimately your strength for getting away.

LisaMed1 · 11/07/2017 17:35

OP - are you a journalist?

user1499288566 · 11/07/2017 18:48

No why you ask

OP posts:
notarehearsal · 11/07/2017 20:39

user1499288566 what's your own story?

user1499288566 · 11/07/2017 23:01

My boyfriend of almost 5 years has not been the best at all ,we share a little girl together ,this happened a year after getting together ,I thought he was all I had been waiting for ,I fell hard for him ,I was so happy ,when I got pregnant half way through I noticed he seemed distant ,didn't really get involved in getting ready for baby ,he was with his best mate a lot ,cut long story short he put me through hell I Carnt count how many times I cried my heart out while I was pregnant ,I found out he was messing with drugs and had been even before meeting me ,I found out he was on them before while after the birth and it all made sense ,the being tired all time no interest moods being nasty etc ,he said it was recreational but at the end of day I said you should not brought a child into this world in this situation or me ,I tried living with him about 7 times and every time I packed up and went home with my daughter ,he would drink or be nasty and moody make me cry ,in the end I gave up and got nice place of my own ,it was ripping my mom n dad apart the stress of it all and lack of space so I got set up on my own ,which has worked out well ,the other part to my story is my daughter was born with problems ,she had rough birth ,she doesn't use her left arm and was very delayed in walking to because the left side was effected ,she has had to have lots of support and psyio ,iv had no support from him with this as he washt really level headed at this time or mature enough I don't feel ,and I feel a lot of stuff was put before us ,I had a job working for Estee Laurder which took me along time to get ,I walked away from my job when I realised my daughter was having problems to be more flexible for her and also to be honest I couldn't hold myself together ,I was dealing with this then dealing with him I was living at home and there was stress there ,I had it all on my shoulders so I walked which gutted me ,I'm now at the moment a full time career for my daughter ,her dad is still in picture I see him wkends as his new job involves working away ,iv called it many times but never stuck to it till now ,iv really took step back iv told him the pain I'm in and that I'm and the end now Carnt take anymore and still Carnt forgive the past it's still so raw ,he has since tried hard to be better and change and I do still love him ,but when I'm with him I still think of past ,I think of all the heartache the pain ,and even tho there is love I'm scared to let him close again to hurt me ,being honest near the end last time I got that low I was thinking of overdosing I just couldn't see a way forward ,I didht no how to find happiness ,I'd become someone I didn't even no ,and all that stopped me is the thought of leaving my child

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