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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Schoolgate frenemy?!

26 replies

birdybird123 · 10/07/2017 06:39

Hi, insight needed please!
I've got one child at primary school and one toddler.
I get on great with all the other Mums, socialise with them etc.
However there's one who keeps saying weird things, and it's upsetting. None of the other mums have mentioned anything about her being rude, so I'm assuming she only does it to me...
Literally every day when my youngest child (daughter) was about 1, this (blonde) mother would loudly exclaim what a shame it is that my daughter isn't blonde, or how she could have been really pretty if she was blonde. (My daughter is gorgeous!)
I may not have said anything the first time, as I was so shocked that someone would body-shame a baby, however since then I've tried replying in loads of different ways - 'I love dark hair, I think it's really striking', 'all babies are beautiful', 'all hair colour is beautiful, it would be a shame if we all looked the same', 'well of course she's not blonde, she's got the same colouring as me and her brother'... etc. She didn't take any of those hints, it ended up me having to say quite sharply - 'She can probably understand what you're saying about her!'
Now has moved on to dissing my home. She comments that it's poky, she doesn't know how I manage, her husband wouldn't dream of living on this road, etc.
The other day they came round for a last-minute, unplanned play. I apologised in advance that the house looked like a bomb site as I'd been working all week and my husband was away.
The following day at school, she loudly and earnestly talked at me for about 20 minutes in the playground about how I could make my home tidy, what furniture I would need, etc. In full earshot of everyone.
I was so hurt that I went home and cried! The thing is, she looks so happy and well-meaning while she says these things, that I'm second-guessing as to whether she actually means to be so hurtful.
I just want to avoid her now, but that would be a shame for our kids, who are good mates.
Anyone able to shed any light please? She's definitely not jealous - they have a beautiful home in the poshest area, and loads of money. I can't think of another reason why someone would behave that way? Thanks!

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 10/07/2017 06:43

I think she probably has all the material possessions possible so superficially has the perfect life, but she is probably deeply insecure about her family relationships (hence the need to pick at others).

If not that, then I'm afraid she's just a nasty mean girl who hasn't left secondary school.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/07/2017 06:57

She's unhinged.

The most effective way to deal with this is laugh when she makes these comments.
Why are you laughing?
Oh you're so funny!
Change conversation topic.
Repeat if necessary.

She'll probably leave you alone in time.

emesis · 10/07/2017 07:00

So many possibilities.. she could be utterly clueless and just say every thought that occurs to her with no filter. She could be jealous of something you aren't aware of, like maybe you're close to another Mum she wishes she were close to, or maybe you're better looking! She could have some kind of condition or be on the autism spectrum giving her a different understanding of social niceties.

One thing is for sure, she is rude, whether intentional or not! You're not being unreasonable.

sparkleandsunshine · 10/07/2017 07:08

Some people are just like this, she sounds like a bitch, who just has a nice time putting someone else down, but she's a two faced bitch who wants everyone to like her so she'll say it all lovely so you look unreasonable if you say anything back.
I have an aunt and uncle who do this, they have a big house, all the newest gadgets, clothes and cars, and when anyone else achieves anything they make nasty comments...
We bought our first home- but really you want to live there?
I graduated- university means nothing these days
I got pregnant- it's nothing everyone else hasn't don't
I had the baby- we're far to busy to visit, but at this age babies are all the same etc. Etc.
I've lost 2.5stone- and? She shouldn't have gotten fat in the first place

Turns out they want to be best of the best, they're happy to talk about their newest achievement or purchase, but it seems as if they compliment or congratulate anyone else then it's saying that their acheievements aren't as good? It's bizarre and I hate it.

I called them out on it, now we don't talk and that is completely fine with me.

Personally I would say to her in front of everyone in a very slightly jokey tone "do you realise that a lot of the stuff you say is quite hurtful to me?" And then while she's floundering I would say "gotta go"

But then that might mean the kids relationship is affected, I just couldn't let it slide

metalmum15 · 10/07/2017 07:18

She sounds insecure and jealous, to be fair you have no idea what might be happening in her life behind closed doors. Don't invite her round again though. Ask her dd round for playdates etc, but not her, just say firmly 'I'll drop her home at X time etc'. I couldn't put up with that and you'll probably find none of the other school mums will either.

totallyliterally · 10/07/2017 07:35

Sounds jealous to me. Regardless of what she may have or her life might look like she has a reason to try and make you feel like shit. And you have to remember they are her reasons.

I would avoid. No more invites. Don't need to be rude but just 'sorry that doesn't suit me' smile.

I would just avoid her. It's hard at school but she will likely (sadly) move onto someone else until she pisses everyone off.

I wouldn't engage. But if you do then not in a justifying ways but more 'please don't say that about my child' smile and turn to talk to someone else.

EdwardGorey · 10/07/2017 08:26

Personally, I would take her at face value, ask for a quiet word and explain that you're worried that she doesn't understand how her comments come across. Tell her she sounds rude and nosey, and you don't think she means to, but making such comments so publicly risks leading to her being viewed as a very unpleasant person - you're sure she wouldn't want that, so you wanted to try and explain how her comments sound, as she appears to be unaware. Act concerned, not cross. Ask if she has any known "social issues" or "communication problems".

If she is genuinely clueless, this is the kindest approach. If she's just a bitch the sympathy and faux pity may embarrass her into stopping.

SafeToCross · 10/07/2017 08:37

I would look puzzled or say 'that comes across as very rude?' or 'I find that hurtful' .
I have a school gate and a bit more friend who is utterly charming but also very frequently drops insults disguised as compliments. I have seen her do it to others too. I am not sure what her motivation is, but tend to think it is her own anxiety/ overthinking/talking before she thinks.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/07/2017 08:46

Maybe try saying "X, I am trying to remember the last time you gave me a genuine compliment without any 'advice' in it!" with a laugh. Continue on the tack of how it's kind of her to advise so much and how you've got enough tips from her by now that you could write a book. Do this in front of the group and she might get it.

If possible, find a helper who volunteers an issue in her life and say "Oh X can help you with that, she always has plenty of advice for me!!". Then look at her expectantly. Hours of fun Grin

In seriousness, this is no ok and she needs to fucking stop it. If she continues after a few repetitions of the above then she may not realise she's upsetting you, tbf.

LesisMiserable · 10/07/2017 13:06

Op you're too old to engage in this shit.

Grey rock time.

2014newme · 10/07/2017 13:09

Why on earth are you inviting her round? She's been very rude about your dd but you invite her to your house? Bonkers!

TheRollingCrone · 10/07/2017 13:12

Nip it in the bud - tell her to bore off . Life's to short to pander to cunts.

MiniCooperLover · 10/07/2017 13:18

OP, none of your responses to her have actually been strong enough to shut her down. You're being too pleasant. Stop standing with her, even if she's there no law says you have to chat. Or fall back on 'thank you for that advice, but I'm happy with my loge/home as it is' and repeat and repeat !!! Stop being nice to her !!

2014newme · 10/07/2017 13:19

Youdhave to be a total doormats to invite someone round after they were so rude!

EssentialHummus · 10/07/2017 13:23

But if you do then not in a justifying ways but more 'please don't say that about my child' smile and turn to talk to someone else.

Yes! "What you're saying is really quite rude, please stop commenting about my home/DD. "

Starlight2345 · 10/07/2017 13:26

THe phase that came into my head.."do you mean to be so rude?" She may have a nice house however you can't buy class .

ChicRock · 10/07/2017 13:31

Why the hell are you having her round to your house?

Grow a spine and the next time she says how poky your home is and how she wouldn't dream of living on your street, tell her "what a nasty thing to say. You really haven't got a nice word to say about anything when it comes to me, my family or my home, have you? What an unpleasant person you are". And walk away.

Hissy · 10/07/2017 13:32

Your child is school age, then she can drop your child and bloody well go!

She is rude and actually, the kids friendship will be shortlived, so don't worry about it, you don't have to put up with this rude wagon!

neighbourhoodwitch · 10/07/2017 14:25

God. Keep your distance. Xx

snowdancer · 10/07/2017 15:50

I wouldn't even do playdates. Can you imagine what she may say to your DD when you're NOT there?

AufderAutobahn · 10/07/2017 17:54

Normal, secure, happy people with any social skills at all don't usually feel the need to stamp on others' feelings like this. Something's lacking within her (not you). I would tell her to fuck off, or if not laugh at her and ask her if she's always been this rude.

boolifooli · 10/07/2017 18:04

Christ just step away. Don't respond. She's sounds bloody hideous. Why are you letting this cowbag in your house? I have a rule about non-family: If I like you, I spend time with you.

FuzzyOwl · 10/07/2017 18:14

She sounds awful. I would just avoid her and if you can't help it, pick her up on every single thing she says. It won't take long before she gets fed up and moves on to somebody else.

Original poster
birdybird123 · 10/07/2017 19:52

Thanks everyone. I was putting up with it for the sake of the friendship between the older kids, but as has been rightly pointed out (I must still have a touch of baby brain, as this genuinely hadn't registered as an option!) they are old enough to be dropped off!
Replies made me laugh a lot, cheered me right up! Thank you all 😂

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 10/07/2017 20:00

Tell her to fuck off. Just that.