Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

thinking about leaving, very worried

55 replies

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 21:51

Can anybody help?

The main reason I am considering leaving my husband is that he will not take no for an answer and he forces me to have sex against my will. Obviously this is frightening and upsetting. He is also abusive to the children, he shouts, pushes and pulls them, calls me names in front of them.

I am worried he may get custody of them, even part time, and I can't leave them with him, I really can't.

I also feel I am being dramatic amd should try to sort it. what does everybody think?

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/07/2017 22:28

How much solo childcare does he do now?

Obviously he will use the threat of "I'll take the children" but that's a whole different thing to actually doing it. As I'm sure you know, childcare is hard and unappealing to many people.

Does he happily do 50% of all the childcare, laundry, present buying, snot wiping, middle of night getting up, etc?

Original poster

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 22:29

no alcohol or drug abuse. i have no money and cannot afford a solicitor. also am abroad.

OP posts:

Original poster

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 22:30

rabbit even if its eow it's too much, I won't leave if he will be left alone with them for any length of time.

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 09/07/2017 22:31

Do you know what? If DH was so utterly disgustingly abusive and I was in your shoes (unwilling to go through SS/Police) I'd do a flit. I'd pack up when he's away, get everything organised hugely in advance, rent somewhere far, far away and run. It might not be the right answer, removing your DCs from their friends/school/home but if their safety was at such a huge risk, I'd go. And I'd make damned sure their father never had access to them again. If it meant a flit, I'd go for it.

Get your head together, OP. Work out how you can safely and securely leave this rapist. He's not their father; a father doesn't shove and push and pull his children around. He's just the rapist they live with. Get yourself and your children away, whatever it takes. And don't doubt yourself; this man won't change, he won't modify his behaviour and he won't ever be the father your children need. Give them the freedom to grow up away from him.

isitjustme2017 · 09/07/2017 22:31

Some solicitors do free consultations (not sure about where you live).

Do you have any friends or family you can go to?

Original poster

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 22:33

HOW whoooo, how would you do that?

How would you book a flight? Where would you go? See what I mean?

No I have no one.

OP posts:

suntansally · 09/07/2017 22:35

Where are your family ?

suntansally · 09/07/2017 22:36

What if you asked him to leave???

Original poster

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 22:36

OP posts:

Original poster

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 22:36

He would never go.

OP posts:

suntansally · 09/07/2017 22:38

This is awful you must find a way can you not get him arrested for rape!

isitjustme2017 · 09/07/2017 22:38

What did Women's Aid say - surely they offered you some options?

Original poster

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 22:39

No I don't want to involve the police or get him arrested.

WA were nice but the thing is refuge places are hard to come by.

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 09/07/2017 22:40

How? I've no idea because you're not giving us any details of how you live or where you are; it's all very vague. In my situation I know how I'd leave; I've had a fuck-off-fund since the moment I began work.

Can you find some way to begin putting money aside? Do you have Womens Aid where you are? Do you have family or friends in other countries who you could contact? Do you have access to family funds? Do you qualify for legal aid in the country you're in? Do your children attend school yet because if they do, you could ask them for advice and support?

I appreciate that I sound harsh OP, and believe me, I get how soul-destroying it feels, being alone. But you've come on here asking for help and each time anyone suggests something you say 'nope, can't do that' so what you're essentially saying is that you'll stay with someone abusive because leaving seems impossible. There has to be a way. There has to. Your children deserve better. You deserve better. Don't brush everything off without truly looking at all of the options.

isitjustme2017 · 09/07/2017 22:43

I agree with Whooo you need to start actually listening to the advice on here instead of dismissing it.
You won't call the police
You won't involve social services
You won't ask him to leave
You have no means to leave
Even if it means stealing money from your husband to get out of there, surely you can do that?

Original poster

starflowerrose · 09/07/2017 22:44

I have wasted your time I am sorry. I just wanted to know about contact.

OP posts:

Venusflytwat · 09/07/2017 22:45

If you want to guarantee he will not be given custody at all then you HAVE to report the rapes and the abuse. That is the only way you get the end result you want.

He won't play nicely. So you either accept that and get your head together or you leave your kids to be abused further.

That IS your choice. It's not an easy one but hundreds of women before you have done it.

That is how you save your kids.

ArchieStar · 09/07/2017 22:50

A rapist will not get access to his children. Supervised or otherwise. Please think long and hard about reporting him.

Back when it was still legal, a woman I know was raped by her husband. He saw this as his opportunity to abuse his daughter in horrific ways. I'm not saying this will happen to you at all, I'm saying this is what would influence me to report it. Good luck OP.

Iflyaway · 09/07/2017 22:53

Hi OP.

You say you are abroad. So a lot of these UK based answers are not possible for you.

Can you give a bit more anonymous detail as to how we can help you?
There's women from all over the world here. Please reach out.
Someone will be able to help.

isitjustme2017 · 09/07/2017 22:54

We've explained contact. If u don't report the abuse and have it recorded then, yes he will get contact.
Surely you realise that the only way he can be refused contact is if he is proved to be of harm to them.
You won't report him so not sure what else to suggest.
We're all trying to help you as you are going through the most horrific time!

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 09/07/2017 22:55

He won't get custody of the kids after he seriously injures or kills one by pushing them too hard.

So you could always wait for that I suppose?

Or report the bastard who hurts your kids and presumably you too.

You couldn't do it to him is protecting an abuser and tbh if you can't look after your kids I hope SS intervene they deserve to be safe.

Poor kids.

ColdFeetAndHotCakes · 09/07/2017 22:56

You absolutely can call the police. This man has continually raped you and abused his children - your children! He deserves what happens to him 100%, whatever the consequences are it will be nowhere near as bad for him as it has been for you.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your children. You're their Mum, and every Mum has it inside them to be fiercely protective of their kids. Phoning the police and reporting him is the first step to getting him out of their lives for good. They don't deserve this pathetic excuse for a father and neither do you.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 09/07/2017 22:56

I know that sounds harsh but honestly what I've posted is the truth.

I'm sorry.

SparkleMotions · 10/07/2017 00:09

OP. You won't call the Police or get SS involved, you came on here for advice and that is what people are telling you to do, but you're dismissing everything, I'm honestly not sure what you want to hear! By reporting his abuse properly that will set the ball rolling and will put in place the restrictions to stop him seeing your children, it seems like him not having contact with your DC is your main priority, so you need to do this, otherwise I honestly don't know what other advice we can give! You need to get out and protect your kids any way you can, otherwise what is the alternative, put up with more abuse?!

SparkleMotions · 10/07/2017 00:12

@NotAnotherNoughtiesTune I completely agree, you can't put the welfare of your kids above the 'feelings' of an abuser. I hope SS get involved if OP is unwilling to leave!

Flip

1 2 3