The in laws are so horrific!

[user1499448426]

Hi guys,

Just coming here for some advise from any of you who may have had to experience similar problems and how you dealt with it and also to just get this all off my chest.

My partners parents/family are just so selfish, bitchy and frustrating. My own parents and family are so chilled out as am I, there are never family dramas so I just cannot handle people like this in my life.

I could write for hours about everything but to sum it up my partner comes from a fairly big family of 3 siblings all with partners and 5 nieces and nephews etc. His Mum always seems to think the children should be competing for who can do the most for her and the family 'Oh partners brother and his girlfriend took me for a lovely lunch yesterday' 'Oh she bought me some flowers etc'. They think the world revolves around them and what we should be doing for them.

Not only this any happy/big life event which for example my parents have supported us in they have been so negative about.
When we moved out they put all kinds of words into my partners head about how it was a bad idea and we won't be able to afford it etc. Then when we did set a date to move in the texts his mum was sending him about how much she will miss her boy etc made me sick... she barely even cares now.

Then when we decided we wanted to rescue a dog which is something we have always wanted to do (especially since I work from home) and she didn't want to speak to my partner because she was that annoyed at us. They told us it was a bad idea and we had only done it because we didn't want to look after their dog anymore for their holidays (he doesn't get along with boy dogs.) How insane is that!?

At Christmas we had just moved into our first home and we invited his parents round in the evening (after his Mum finished work) so we could have a little buffet, some drinks and play games etc. This was all fine until all of a sudden a week before Christmas we found out she had invited all 16 members of the family into our home and on the phone said 'I thought you meant everybody was coming, they're your family they need to come' and of course a big drama erupted. Does she not understand people grow up and have their own lives and you can't always see everybody in your family the same way. Also its all because it is what she wants so of course I ended up entertaining and cooking buffet food for an army.

Skipping ahead and past a lot of other awful things today I have just hit rock bottom with the way I feel towards them. We invited them over for lunch which I cooked for them and every time i came into the garden with the food or drinks it was silent and so awkward. I wondered if they'd been talking about me.

After they left my boyfriend told me not only did they say I am pushing him away from the family and they feel they need an appointment to come round (somehow my fault even though Im always super kind to them). Then to make it worse my partner and I have decided instead of a big wedding we would like less fuss and mega expense by getting married in a registry office with just 4 family members as witness from each side next year and then throw a little party for everybody else in the evening.

This went down perfectly with my family but no, she was not impressed she wants the whole family there. Our plan was our 4 lost family members from each side so his parents and grandparents and my parents and brother and partner. She said that if I am having my sibling there all of his siblings and spouses and nieces and nephews will be there because its not fair. Bearing in mind... it is not a wedding!!

I just feel like breaking down into tears, Ive never had to be around such negative people before, Im not a very stand out character, Im always kind and polite to people, I've done nothing wrong!

Sorry if this is all over the place, just need a big rant!

Does he stick up for you? If not, Leave him. It will never get better

That sounds horrendous. You REALLY need to know your partner is with you on this and sticking up for you, if he's not he's totally out of order and I'd question if this was a "man" I'd want to marry.
The whole family sounds dreadful.

This is not a family you want to marry into

I can't believe he is letting them push you around like this. What kind of vows is he going to make? I promise I'll keep letting you all walk over my stupid wife ???

A bad family is an obstacle but if you can face it together it's okay. This isn't okay. He is not on your side. You can't marry someone who isn't on your side. The whole point of marriage is that you are a team in every way. He is not on your team.

No matter how horrible they were, it would be surmountable if he recognised it and stood up for you. But he doesn't.

You need to talk seriously and stop thinking about marriage for the minute. Sorry

You didn't move far enough away.

so of course I ended up entertaining and cooking buffet food for an army Wrong! She won. You can't ever ever let people like that win. Ever. Not an inch. They keep detailed mental notes aboit what works to make you break. Why didn't you stick to Hell No! Do you feel you can only go with no if she agrees with the no?

How did your boyfriend put her in her place for bitching about you? I would have expected histrionics not quiet chat from the type of person to carry on like that. How did he defend you? How did he tell her what's what on the marriage ceremony?

If he doesn't stick up for you now he never will. He should have said no to them about christmas and about your wedding ceremony. Will he ever say no to them? You deserve better than this, do you want to spend your life feeling like this?

They sound a pain about about inviting everyone around but the wedding thing could be different. Do you have any other sibling who wont be there? If not that is unfair. Better to have just parents. If having one sibling then all siblings. So l would make sure that part is fair. I come from a big family and if one of my db married someone with one sibling my db would have all of us.

They will never ever change. I was in this situation myself for 7 years. My ex half heartedly tried to defend me but they were his family at the end of the day and he couldn't go NC with them. I bent over backwards. Every occasion was ruined with their demanding ways. My family, like yours, are relaxed so I missed out on spending time with them all the time because it kept the peace to spend time with the in laws instead. On days like Mother's Day it broke me inside. It does not ever get better. My relationship broke down. This was not the only reason but one of many. I've never seen the in laws since and if I never see them again it will be far too soon. I'm a relaxed easygoing sort but I hate them! Just writing this brings it all back. Your life will have these dynamics forever if you marry him. Think carefully about whether you can cope with that

Its not you, its them. He and all his family of origin are emotionally unhealthy. They see your kindness here as weakness to be exploited.
Familial dysfunction can and does go back generations; you did not make them this way (their own families did that).

I would not marry him and would now end the relationship. This will be your life going forward as well if you do marry him. He is completely unable and unwilling to stand up for his own self let alone you due to his toxic family's conditioning of him. His own inertia when it comes to his family unit simply hurts him as well as you. He does not want to deal with his family of origin at all and has put you in their firing line more than once as a result.

If you bring children into this his parents will not behave any better with them either; infact they could well use them against you also.

If you dont have any children, and he isnt willing to stick up for you, it doesn't matter how much you love him, LEAVE!
It won't get better and you won't learn to live with it. When you eventually do have children it will get even worse. I have been where you are and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My MILs loves to blame me for her sons 'faults'. They don't like to blame their own son for anything and as I'm an easy scapegoat! Essentially your DH has to deal with the issue. Not you. You are not the problem.

However with mine I'm super polite and kind. I see them very little and visits are kept short because MIL goes a bit weird after a couple of hours but can keep up the pretence of normality for a short time.

Also stop involving them in wedding discussions. Just send the money an invite for the day.

The more distance there is between you the easier it is.

What is your DP doing to defend you and put them in their place? If he's just rolling over and letting them berate and bully you than it sounds like you're best off out of it altogether.

Also share the issue with a friend. My friend and I have a great laugh about our horrid mils. It took a few years to see the funny side but we eventually did. It really helps.

User that sounds horrible. I don't really have any advice other than to minimise contact but it doesn't sound like that's a possibility.

If it affects you terribly then sadly decisions may have to be made in order to preserve your own happiness and wellbeing

I have a very awkward relationship with my MIL - she is not dissimilar to yours by the sounds of things.

It is very hard but PP are right - you have more of a DH problem really. I was on the verge of leaving mine, my MIL was very badly behaved over the birth of my son, and it made life unbearable for a while. But we talked it through, and he grew some balls and he does stand up to her now - but so do I. A lot of the time, he simply won't engage with her, because he doesn't really know how to say no to her (or me, but that's a different matter!), and simply tells her to speak to me. I then can say what I want, and if she's sensible, she gets more or less what she wants (usually time with the kids). She isn't interested in DH at all - he is the black sheep, his sister is the golden child, she's a bit of a narcissist, but thanks to MN, I'm learning how to deal with her!

Boundaries. Lots and lots of them. You may have to become the bad guy if your partner won't, but stick with it. She will either abandon you completely, or eventually she will come round. Limit contact as much as possible - let DP go round to hers, don't invite them to yours if you can help it. Be out if they do come round, if possible. If she starts saying things, cut her off. "We don't talk about people behind their backs MIL" or "That's not a very nice thing to say, I think we should talk about something else" or whatever. Remember that NO is a complete sentence.

And have a long conversation with DP and tell him that you expect him to put her right about stuff, especially about you. If she's saying that you have stolen him away from her, he needs to laugh at her and tell her not to be so dramatic. He needs to tell her that while he will always love her because she's his mum, his first priority is you and if she can't understand that, then she hasn't done a very good job of raising him.

I wish you luck, it's a horrible situation to be in. I am low contact with my in laws, I avoid them as much as possible, and when I do see them I am very light and breezy and rarely get into proper conversation with them (especially about politics, the Trump loving, Brexit supporting morons that they are - but there we are!). I don't go to their house and if they come to ours and I can't be out, then I make sure that I have LOADS to do in the kitchen or whatever. In some ways, having the kids is good in that situation because neither MIL, FIL or SIL have any interest in me and DH when the boys are about, so that helps.

Good luck.

Jay

Low contact often leads to no contact and I would further consider lowering all contact levels with your DHs parents particularly as he is the scapegoat. Often in such situations the family unit that the scapegoat creates is itself scapegoated and that is what is happening now in your own family unit.

Your H also needs to learn properly how to say no to her in his own right rather than simply deferring to you. Will he be at all willing to see a therapist and one also who has no bias about keeping families together?.

Unfortunately adult children of narcissists have been well trained to serve the parents at their own expense (narcissist women always need a willing enabler to help them and her H likely fits that bill) and often hope against their own experience that they will behave better with their own children.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

I would also not let them at all into your home and I would not give her any time with your children either. You have seen how your H (and for that matter his sister as the golden child) has been affected by his family of origin and she will treat your children not too dissimilarly as to how he was treated. The emotional harm to them can happen right in very front of you. Narcissists tend to over value or under value the relationship with their grandchildren and are also often seen by them as narcissistic supply. They can also try to buy their affections and use them to get back at you as parents.

This is why I think people must meet the potential future in-laws as early as possible once a relationship looks like it has serious legs and to see how they interact with your partner (and you).

There is no way I could marry into a family like that, no matter how much I thought their child was a catch because it just entails years, possibly decades of niggles, anger, annoyance, belittling...

UNLESS your partner stands up to her and for you, and in a very serious way, I would absolutely get out now. Sadly, the signs were there early on, I think, and it would have been easier for your heart and head to have walked back then.

They will never change and never improve.

So you can't try to change or improve them, you can only change how you react to the situation.

If your boyfriend doesn't stick up for you, leave, because my god it only gets worse. Either you're a team and united on this or it will cause huge problems later on in your marriage.

Distance is good too - try moving a few hundred miles away.