So these are my choices

[KateLennard]

Brief background;
DS1. Multiple SEN
DS2. Some possible emerging SEN. Much milder then his brother.
Life is incredibly hard. We are a year into the legal battle with the council to get DS1 support. Have spent £000's.
Marriage "tricky". Death by a thousand cuts, rather than any individual 'big' issues. I am carrying the mental load for EVERYTHING. H does do things like load the dishwasher before work, cook in the evenings (this is pretty fairly shared).
H has apparently resigned any and all mental responsibilities to me including not even googling a potential life long health issue DS2 may have and then totally dismissing the doctors appointment about it that I attended as 'they always say that' (they don't) and not getting round to booking an incredibly important day off work (regarding DS1). Work has now booked him into a course which includes that date. H has promised to sort it but hasn't yet.
Add in "jokes" about how little I do, despite me telling him how much they upset me.
So my choices are;
Carry on as we are. I can't, and increasingly don't want to.
Leave him and go on benefits. Have now got no earning power and couldn't work anyway due to DS1's many issues and appointments. We potentially have enough equity to buy two small flats, the children would live with me and visit him. But his income would certainly not be enough to support two households. I don't know if or how I could support me and the boys.
Kill myself. I know the boys wouldn't be better off without me, they would be much worse off, but I genuinely don't know if I can carry on.
Re possible depression. I have certainly been depressed in the past but currently this feels like a very realistic reaction to an absolutely overwhelming situation.
There are of course lots of extra things I'm not mentioning, otherwise I would have to write a novel. If I add extra info in answer to any questions, I am not meaning to drip feed.

If you seriously think that killing yourself is a viable option, then you need to see your GP as a matter of urgency. [Flowers]

Your tosspot of an H needs a swift kick up the arse. For the sake of your own mental health, in the short term, it would do you good to behave as if you are single when it comes to dealing with the kids, for a while. It is letting him off the hook, in a way, but easier for you because then you are the one in control of the whole situation and can't be let down by him. Detaching like this gives you some thinking and planning space.

This wouldn't stop the put downs, though. This is abusive behaviour on his part. Do you feel strong enough to tackle this head on? Or if he complains about a mucky floor, tell him the flash is under the sink, so do please get stuck in? Or does he become angry if you challenge him?

Sorry. Typed a long reply then lost it. Short version; tried nhs for being suicidal months to. Assessed by mental health team. Told, you definitely need counselling but it won't be provided in nhs.

Have checked out of involving him a while ago. A couple of months ago he told him I wanted to take the boys and leave. He is trying but there has been no lessoning of mental load. He is making certain 'jokes' less but others continue.

If I challenge him he starts off by saying I can't take a joke, or that wasn't what he meant. If I push it he gets defensive. If really pushed he will admit I have point. But nothing changes. So I have pretty much given up on that. I know that means he has achieved his objective of getting to say whatever he wants, but she just don't have the energy.

Back to GP for anti depressants in the first instance. They can literally be life changing.

Avocadoinjury. I have been on anti depressants steadily for the last two years. Prescriptions have been changed etc. Still feel like this sadly.

Go back, keep trying! Are you still taking them?

I stopped a while ago (properly and on doctor's advice). They weren't making any positive difference. Plus one of them is used to stimulate appitite in people who are underweight.
I am significantly overweight. I have my own health issues too and while they are not caused by my weight they are certainly not helped by it. Since coming off them it is so much easier not to over eat, which means I am slowly but surely loosing some weight, which means it's easier for me to walk (joint problems)

They were just not having a positive effect. I was on antidepressants when I was previously referred for suicidal thoughts.

Unfortunately my state my mind is based directly on how much I am having to deal with and they don't help with that. Have had antidepressants before which have helped with depression. This is not the he same.

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation and your kids father is such an arse.

Have you thought of asking on the SN boards about getting more support for your kids? Theres lots of experts over there.

Thanks Kr1stina. I have very good friends who have SEN children too, and they provide a lot of emotional support and info. I have tried various methods of getting support but unfortunately with funding cuts there is very little out there.

Didn't want to read and run. I've no experience but you just sound overwhelmed with everything.

If he's making you unhappy could you not ask him to leave temporarily? It sounds like either he's depressed too or he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Watchingitallagain that is probably a good idea, but neither of us have any family nearby. I am estranged from mine and his live abroad. I would have to arrange everything. He has reached a stage of learned helplessness where I don't think he could even sort that out for himself. I don't have the energy or mental space to do that. I feel like I am on a runaway train that is going to crash into separation or divorce at some point and I can't/won't stop it.

The can't is that I have talked to him multiple times, even told him I am on the verge of leaving and nothing changes.

The won't is that any changes are totally down to me, to the last detail and even then they don't work, so I am not doing it anymore.

I really, really don't want to be in this situation. My two biggest fears about having children were that they have neurological disabilities (I know that's weirdly specific but that was my huge fear during pregnancy) and that I end up a single parent. I could be two for two soon!
I just can't make it work on my own.

If you do decide to split up, you nee to ensure that their father has the children half the time. I agree you can't do it alone 24/7.

I know that there is very little help from the statutory services but some charities offer support to families like yours. Please do try the SN boards - you have nothing to lose.

You sound quite desperate

BTW you are doing amazingly well to lose weight,even the tiniest bit, with all the stress you are under.

Thank you Kr1stina and I will definitely ask on the SN boards. I do often lurk there and occasionally post.

Sadly I am quite desperate but, probably strangely, it helps to hear it. I am trying to be at least a bit balanced is everything I write, so it's quite validating.

Honestly it's just strange that I have lost weight. It's not will power. I have always comfort eaten, and I don't know why I am not at the moment. I have gone from craving sweets and chocolate to having 1 or 2 meals a day and craving salad. If I was comfort eating right now, I would be telling myself it was a reasonable reaction to all this stress, but somehow I'm not.

I'm so sorry. Your boys love you and you love them. Please speak to the doctor as a matter of urgency about how you are feeling. You are very brave and your husband needs to realise how lucky he is!

I'll be thinking of you and your lovely boys op. You WILL come through this. I feel it in my bones

Forfuckssakenet, thank you.

I have made an appointment with the doctor for this morning, I honestly don't think they will do much, but agree it's a good idea to go.

What did your doctor have to say?

Thinking of you and hoping your doctor was helpful.

I went to doc. Said I had two things to talk about. 1 anxiety, 2 another health issue.

Unfortunately the other issue turned out to be potentially serious, so that took up the whole appointment and I was told I need to make another appointment to talk about the rest of it.

So instead of help with the stress/anxiety I got another thing to add to my list of things I am stressed and anxious about.