Return to previously abusive EX?

[internationalpuss]

I have been separated from my husband for three months now, we had a ferocious argument and he left. He returned to the house to collect his belongings, where he verbally abused me, made all sorts of threats, threw things at me and just humiliated me. Police was called, we went to court, in the end i choose not to make a statement and case was thrown out eventually.

Since then we have been on amicable terms, he has come around to see the kids, I have visited him with the kids, and generally being amicable in relation to the children. I am considering giving our relationship another try, not sure how exactly that will work, so far my plan is for us to continue to coparent, and try somehow build the relationship (not living together), and see if there is a change. We have been married 7 years with two children ( including a newborn). I believe we should try and give it a go somehow, because I do not believe in divorce, and I want my children to have both parents around, but not sure what to do or how to approach the situation. Just to add prior to the seperation I was not happy with the way the marriage was, he can be quite forceful with his opinion one of the reasons that led to the argument, and he verbally abuses me when we get into it.

What makes you think you'll have a different outcome this time around?

Insanity - doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results... I'm pretty sure that's the saying.

Do you believe in being the best mother you be?

This should trump your opinion on divorce.

I was you many years ago. .
Took him back after 6 months apart.
Even got married such was his convincing 'changed man' attitude.

Regretted it after less than a week. .
Move on - you have made the break which is the hardest part.

I have remarried the best dh anyone could ask for. .
There is life after a twat. .

'I don't believe in divorce'
Why? It's much better for children than witnessing an abusive marriage.

He hasn't changed, why on earth would you let him back in?!

I don't think you'll find many that will be positive about your plans to reunite with this man OP. He's already been shown that he can behave as he pleases with little consequence , so going forward to allow more abuse to be thrown your way will be a huge error.

Also in his twisted mind he probably didn't abuse you enough to keep you from escaping the last time around , so expect more controlling behaviour if you do allow him back. His mind won't work in the way of a rational person so this crazy logic will be a real issue if you do not keep away from him.

You should re-read what you've written but pretend a friend wrote it- what would you honestly say to her?

He is not your husband, he is your abuser.

Don't go back.

No no and thrice no!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

I apologise for that drama but I used up a lot of bravery leaving my x, posting things in secret, setting up sw benefits, and then I stupidly and weakly went back because the future seemed too scary. Don't do it.

Dear God, don't do it!

Hell to the N-O.

He may keep his nose clean for a while, maybe for a long time but do you really want to be walking on eggshells waiting for him to go off on one again?

I know it sounds bad, but really do people not change? He has never hit me before in 7 years and he didn't hit me this time, just really aggressive, maybe just a moment of madness?

no. No. And no. Don't bloody do it.

You say you were unhappy in your marriage even before the incident which caused him to leave. So even if you put that encounter to one side, is this really a relationship you want to return to?

My DPs divorced when I was 7 and even at that young age I was so, so relieved when my DM told me my DF would no longer be living in our home. There was no violence to speak of but I hated the constant tension and atmosphere in the house, and the arguments between them. I've never understood why people stay together "for the sake of the kids" - divorcing was the best thing they could have done for us!

If you have an amicable coparenting relationship then why change it? It sounds as though you get on better apart than together.

Time to be brave, put your children first and leave him for good. It will happen again and you know it. And you'll be waiting for it, and trying to moderate your own behaviour because you think that will stop it happening.

We all have an angry moment every now and again. Doesn't usually involve police being called.

Op I've been there. Put bluntly, you're running the risk of ending up with Social Services involved if you return. All it takes is one phone call from a concerned friend/neighbour/family member. They don't take abusive relationships lightly where children are involved. Doesn't matter if he has never been abusive or anything but a perfect father to the children, he has been abusive to YOU.

Luckily I don't have any SS involvement as I never went back. But I know people who have done and a concerned friend called SS and that was it. She was given an ultimatum. Her kids or her husband......

Don't go back to him

He hasn't changed

He's never hit you, just aggressive. So is that ok then? He's controlling or 'forceful with his opinion' as you call it, threw things at you, verbally abusive & humiliated you. Physical violence is likely to follow. If you go back that makes him think he can continue to treat you appallingly, so why should he change.
His behaviour places you at risk & most importantly places your kids at risk. If they hear his abusive behaviour that has a massive impact on them. If he turns the abuse & possibly violence onto them - and he is very likely to do so - what then? They grow up seeing/hearing him abuse you & possibly being abused themselves. They will be emotionally harmed & possibly physically harmed too.
Please don't put yourself & your children at further risk. You don't have to get divorced but you must protect your children & yourself from this abusive man.

No no and no no no again.

I recently thought I'd see if my abusive ex had changed by unblocking him. I really have no idea why I did it. He messaged almost straight away. Was all sweetness and light for about a day but a day was all he could manage. He's now reblocked and it'll be staying that way. Unless they do an extensive amount of therapy they will not change. Their abusive nature is hard wired. I fully believe that now. If they don't see anything wrong with their actions they will never change.

My ex never hit me either but I know he would. I know he has the capacity to kill me. Please don't take that risk for a man who already verbally abuses you, especially when you've got children involved.

He's not worth it.