Have just told DP to leave...help

[brettashley]

After months of an unhappy life (bailiffs at the door, shouting at DSs and 2, no sex or affection) have told DP that he needs to leave because none of us are happy. He has said OK, but is it the right thing MN'er's am looking for some guidance

Yes. Yes it is. If you have done this in the best interests of your children (and it will be in their best interest if he is bringing the bailiffs to the door) you are doing the right thing, brettashley

have faith in yourself, if you believe it's for the best, then it is.

Thank you so much...he is brilliant with the baby, but I look to the future and I am struggling to see him as a role modle

Poor you. Have you got yourselves back on track financially yet?
Have a think about what do you want your future to look like and how much it includes him, how much you think things could be changed together and how much things with him will be worse than without him.

I have worked out a budget and I can just about do it. The thing is he contributes nothing day to day so I have all the financial responsibility which would be fine, if he were here more often in other ways

OK, the story is I remortgaged the house to give him money to pay off debts. He paid some off and invested hte rest. Now we still have bailiffs, I am paying the mortgage and his creditors are calling evry day

for you. what does he say?

That he loves me but needs space. I think its unusual, in that I love him too but have had so much s* that life alone seems better

"Loves me but needs space" sounds awfully like "I've had your money, now I'm off" between the lines, to be honest. It doesn't mean he isn't genuinely fond of you, but he has "needs" (ie someone else's income as he is financially feckless). If you love him, you don't have to cut him out of your life altogether, but you are very wise to have stopped him living with you as he is just leeching. Being responsible for himself for a while might even cure him, who knows (but don't hold your breath).

Don't be surprised to hear he's got a new girlfriend with a house and/or income before long, either. Anyone into Jane Austen? Willoughby in Sense and Sensibility springs to mind. Charming, genuinely attached to Marianne, but what could he say - the other girl was an heiress...

That's a little weak under the circs!

i meant more like does he think his behaviour is normal? What's the way forward from his point of view?

It's all very well him magnanimously allowing you to leave him, and for you to carry on bearing the lions share of the responsibility... but... y'know.. it stinks