How much time is too much on a hobby?

[rookiemere]

So DH has a hobby. It's not cycling but hillwalking.
He wants to do a big trip in a couple of years abroad for a special landmark birthday which requires a high level of fitness.
He therefore has had a number of weekends away camping and walking with friends . He also does quite a lot of full day walks at the weekend .Currently he's away for 3 nights/4 days for a stag do.

I work 4 days and he's f/t and as DS is 11 this means I get a bit of time to myself on my day off but also I have the school run and usually chores and errands.

I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling a bit resentful. The actual number of weekends away is not so bad, but it's the constant planning and the assumption that all weekends on the calendar are fair game if there are no plans . Latest was he wanted to go away with a pal next weekend after being away this one - I said no, he said fair enough, then two days later is asking if he can go away with his nephew on that same weekend as if our conversation never happened.

I'm getting fed up. I would love it if he put 10% of the effort that he does into organising these trips into time with us. When we are together he's always trying to force the 3 of us to climb up bloody hills - I like walking but prefer going on the flat.

I don't want to be an old nag and I am happy that he had a hobby,but I'd like DS and I to be a bit higher up the priority list. I guess this is a bit of an AIBU?

It works out about one full weekend a month plus usually one or two full weekend days , then a few evening or shorter weekend walks. This ones an exception as its a stag dp, mind you having said that its a stag do that he organised and paid for so he was the one who chose the duration.

We agreed a certain number of weekends away at the start of the year and I suspect he's going to exceed that because apparently weekends where they didnt manage the full walk because someone wasn't feeling well don't count even though he's still gone the same length of time.

I don't want to go away more - my friends can't make it more often than we do because of childcare and I don't really want to go on my own. I will have words with him if he tries to get a big walk in next weekend - was going to suggest we all go away together.

I feel whatever i do is pointless. He will probably agree with me and then goldfish like will have forgotten 3 days later when someone proposes brand new shiny walking trip. At the minute there's the threat of one abroad this Autumn allegedly just for a weekend but as i know there are no direct flights where he wants to go, if it happens it will be longer. If it was booked and in the calendar Id actually be fine about it as that way can plan around it , but its the who knows when it will be or how long so lets not make any weekend plans that i find truly irksome.

I don't think there's a set time limit but more what works for you.

I do my things 3 times a week. DH does his twice a week but one of them is on a weekend and is longer. We both feel strongly about us both having interests outside the house.
It suits us. If I was at home all the time and DH was swanning off doing his own thing then I might feel resentful.

He really should be being more thoughtful before booking plans onto family time at the weekend though.

Parkrun is great, i run one lap and ds runs 2 as he is twice as fast as me. Your dh does sound a bit obsessive to say the least.

He needs to realise his ds will be grown up and away in no time at all. 4,5,6 years and he'll be an adult.
If I were you I'd be looking for a) some acknowledgment of your marriage and that he actually cares or not whether you are his wife.
And b) some proper acknowledgment of his son and how few years he has left as a father to a child.
My dh is very into another mountain sport but we limit weekends he has away solo and he does as much as possible in one-day even if it means stupid o'clock travel.

Why should the OP be the one doing all the work deciding what balance of activities makes for a healthy family life? The real cuntish behaviour is not only dumping the family for days at a time but making the OP responsible for deciding what's acceptable. A grown adult should be sufficiently emotionally mature to figure out what is acceptable. That's the issue here, IMO, not tit-for-tat time off.

I think you need to start getting angrier here. Not angry in the sense of throwing a massive tantrum, but by calmly saying "listen - you are being unfair to me and your son. I didn't sign up for being a single parent so start putting us first!"

Forget the idea that you can't say anything because he ought to want to be with you and you shouldn't have to insist. This attitude is not working with this rather selfish man. You need to make it very clear what you expect from him otherwise nothing will change.

I think some very successful marriages are based on spending time apart as a couple. But he probably needs to be more involved with your son at least.
You may be able to meet in the middle. I go out a lot and do various things without DH. He does too.
But we do incorporate our child into this too.

Honestly I don't think anyone can give you a fair answer.

Some couples thrive on time apart and their relationships would fail if they spent too much time together/in each other's pockets. Others can happily spend all their free time together and are happy that way.

It really depends on your personalities, the ages/personalities of your DC, your jobs, how much free time you both have, how much outside help you have, whether you can afford it etc etc.

The important thing is, you're not happy. So you need to speak to your husband and try and find a compromise. Either by him cutting down the time he spends out, you spending more time out so he has to take over some childcare responsibilities, or him taking DC with him so you have some time off while he does his hobby.

I'm fine having the discussion with him.
I just can't see the point.
We've had discussions before and I am absurdly happy because I think finally he gets it and his behaviour is really good for a while. But then it relapses again and I feel even worse because I had the hope for a whie and now I don't.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. He doesn't go away that much, talks about it more than he actually does it, maybe if I make weekends at home really fun and we're always doing things then he wouldn't want to go away as often.

I don't think he wants to go away because staying at home isn't fun enough, he goes away because that's how he can do his hobby.

I don't think him wanting to go away should be a problem so long as he either takes DC with him so that you have time alone, and so long as he realises he can't just do it whenever he wants, without any consideration for anyone else.

No! You are not being unreasonable for wanting him to put real sustained effort into your marriage and the upbringing of your child.

Why are you being so passive about this?

I'm pbeing passive because I'm not sure what the solution is. I certainly don't want to split up - and I'm very aware that DHs version of the truth would be different from my own.

Also on mumsnet people are usually very critical of what they see to be contolling partners and I don't want to be that. Nor do i want to change his optimistic nature. I just want his pleasure not to be at the expense of our families or mine.

I guess my ideal would be that he went away for one full weekend say 6-7 times per year but that this would be in the calendar at least a month in advance so i could plan round it - that's the tricky bit though due to the weather. Then full days ie leaving at dawn and home in the evening say once a month.

Ironically that's roughly what he actually does ( not the preplanning)but its the fannying around over weekends and the last minute changes that really hack me off.

Well tell him that then! And if he doesn't listen, put your bloody foot down!

You are just sitting there allowing him to behave however he wants, while you and your ds are pushed down his list of priorities.

He shouldn't need to be told that this isn't acceptable, but unfortunately he does. So tell him.

Thanks naice I feel better for exploring what is reasonable. Unfortunately now when I hear weekends away a bit of a red mist descends so its good to think about what I would like.

You are not being controlling. You are expecting him to fulfill the responsibilities he took on when he got married and had a child.

That's not controlling.

Is an employer controlling when they expect you to work for the hours that are in your contract and not half of them ?

He wants all the benefits of marriage and parenthood but none of the responsibility. If he wanted to have every evening and weekend free for himself he should have stayed single.

I think it's very telling that whatever you say to him and whatever he agreed, he does exactly as he pleases . He knows that you won't do anything about it.

I haven't WTWT but DH has a hobby, yes it is cycling. We all cycle but he does tons.

He gets up at 4:30am and rides then a few mornings a week. He has done 40-50 miles before I go to work, same with swimming, he goes when the pool opens at 6am.

I am not as dedicated as he is and certainly couldn't justify the time to myself so I ride to work on the days I have time and my other cycling is done as a family, in the evening to a pub or similar.

DH does want to cycle LEJOG which involves a fair amount of £ and time. He wouldn't dream of springing it on us though and when he does I will plan a trip somewhere nice with DD.

Sounds unreasonable to me, I wouldn't be very happy with it.

He sounds incredibly selfish & is prioritising his hobbies above family life. I can understand how you feel hurt that he doesn't wish to spend time with you. And who the hell wants to Police someone else's behaviour in a relationship?

I'd be asking him if he wants to stay married, and put the responsibility on to him for solutions, rather than you having to manage the situation & be the "controlling nag".

Good posts from Kr1stina and Prosecco.

You are in the right here to ask more of your dh. Stay calm and stand your ground!

Good luck - I know it's not easy to challenge someone else's behaviour, especially when they just can't see the problem!

My DH is a golfer and we've had many 'issues' arguments over the years, but as the DC are older, we are now able to compromise on three weekends away a year. These are decided months in advance.

TBH, your DH's 'training schedule' is ridiculous, unless he's climbing Everest! I climbed Kilimanjaro with very little training and I'm only of average fitness, so don't let him throw that one a time you.

I really hope you get it sorted. I hated having to 'put my foot down', but if I hadn't, he'd have been golfing every Saturday or Sunday, plus during the week. As with you, I wanted him to want to spend time together (and more importantly, not constantly leaving me with two babies/toddlers) without me nagging, but that wasn't going to happen 😕.

Thanks for the further comments. When he's recovered from the stag do I'm going to have a conversation about what was agreed at the start of the year and why it matters to me and to DS.

"I feel whatever i do is pointless. He will probably agree with me and then goldfish like will have forgotten 3 days later when someone proposes brand new shiny walking trip"

This is utter bullshit and a form of gaslighting.

I bet he wouldnt have a goldfish memory if you promised him a blow job every day for a week!!