How to be happy on your own

[Whereisthesunshine]

Not a TAAT but inspired by the 'are you happy single' thread.

If you are happy on your own, how did you get there? I am struggling to see myself as 'enough' on my own after dh walked out a year ago. I terribly miss being part of a family unit (no dc though) and I seem to be surrounded by pregnant women, married couples etc. It's what i want for myself so much that I fail to see myself as complete without it.

I hate going to places alone, and avoid it, and I hate living alone, although there is nothing I can change about this.

Any tips?

Hugs. I am in a similar stage of life. Left my marriage for no other reason than we had become distant friends and I couldn't settle for that for either of us. I have a son also who lives with me. I have got to the point where I LOVE doing things alone so it is totally possible. But you have to choose the 'things' carefully. I've had some good stuff and some that plain old didn't work. Best thing to do is to start cultivating some new and exciting interests. Take up some new sports or hobbies and begin forging out a different structure to your life which will fill some of the gaps you feel. You'll meet people outside of the mums and kids club (I have no desire to hang out with couples and mums either tbh as where i live being a working single mum is something of a taboo) and you'll also find that going to new groups boosts confidence in doing things alone. Thanks to my hobbies I have an interesting reason to go on specific kinds of holidays and adventures and this has given me so much fun and happiness that I never had with staying still or waiting for long term friends to come with me. good luck.

I am mostly happy on my own.

I still have moments where I want to be in a relationship but I am sure that it's not the right time for me yet.

Here are things that have helped me -

1 - forcing myself to go to things where I would normally like a partner for back up, over time (still early days) I started to enjoy these events on my own without the need to have someone there.

2- I have travelled far and wide to visit old friends, I have had brilliant times and haven't had to worry about telling someone where I'll be and when or texting / calling them each night to catch up on our days.

3- I have rekindled old friendships, it has meant participating in some activities that I hate the thought of doing, but, I know they're either not for me or I have found something I enjoy.

4- I hang out with friends who are in relationships with kids etc at their houses, I don't mind sitting in with them watching films, I find now these evenings mean more to me than being invited places.

5- I rejoined a group I used to be part of.

6- I take time for me, I sit on my own in the house watching tv or reading. This is important we can't all be social all the time.

7- I threw myself into my work and my career is going from strength to strength.

I should say, I don't have kids either so this is easier for me and I do have days where I feel so low that I can't see a way out of the darkness, so I'm not "there" yet, but I'm trying. This is all spread out as well, I'm not out being active every day of the week. One week I did nothing, had no invites and my phone barely went off, that was difficult. I think it's all about taking it one day at a time. I'm figuring it out as I go along.

Sorry that was so long.

Thank you. Some really good suggestions here.

I am not in the country I grew up in so reconnecting with old friends is difficult. I am actively trying to make new friends, joining clubs etc. and I am slowly widening my circle.

I have not yet managed to shift my focus away from the idea if a family though. I went to the beach the other day and became jealous of all the families there, and on a recent girls weekend away I felt so sad when they all popped out in the evening to call their boyfriends. I suppose it takes time, doesn't it?

It still hurts if you have children. On their weekends with their dad I actively avoid places where people take families, it hurts too much to see it when I don't have my new with me.

dimots, I wasn't trying to suggest that it's easier if you have children. I am sorry if it has come across this way

It does take time, I'm only four months in and it hurts me too sometimes. For me it's particularly when I don't have much on or if I'm at an even with all couples. It does get easier though, although for me, I found/ find it easier because I wouldn't want to be in these places with my ex even when I was with him.
How long has it been?

Don't worry Whereisthesunshine I'm not having a go at you, more a general moan. Kids with their dad this weekend. It's a lovely day and when we were together we would have had a family day out to a National Trust place or a cycle ride. I miss this so much.

I miss the children. I miss my husband. I am just so unhappy.

dimots

I felt unbearably low last weekend so I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid, just the usual, it takes time. Also, you're not a robot it's not going to be as easy as switching it off. All you can do is take it a day at a time.

for everyone.

Well it's been a year but for most of that the hope of reconciliation kept me going as i felt there was a chance, but that's gone now. Together 12 years. Have just come back from a lunch invitation, three couples and me. Made me feel like some charity case.

(I know my attitude doesn't help.)

I wouldn't feel embarrassed at all over that, it's natural to hope for reconciliation. I think we've all been there.
Well done for going! How was it? Besides feeling like a charity case? It takes baby steps.

How old are you op?

I'm 35. I think part of all this is that I always saw myself as a mother. We were ttc when he left, but now am am scared that it will never happen for me.

*I am

How did it end?

I also have that fear, I can't give advice on that sorry I have to fight that fear every day.

I love being single. I've been this way for 3 years now. Sometimes I miss having someone to be with when I take the kids out but mostly I enjoy the spare time it gives me when they go to their dad. I've got a great social life now, I date occasionally but don't really want to commit to anything serious.
But my husband didn't break my heart when he left so I didn't have that to recover from. I was pretty glad to see the back of him. I think that makes it easier. I have a wonderful support network and close friends who visit often. It's possible but it takes work I think.

I'm so happy being single. Sounds so cheesy and cliche but I feel like I'm really discovering myself and who I am.

I started off with a complete cull, got rid of lots of old crap in my flat that I didn't need any more. Decorated it to exactly my taste.

I joined the gym and started weight training. It's given me so much more confidence in myself and I feel strong and happy.

I started volunteering and a new career in a field I'm really interested in.

I wrote down all the places I wanted to travel to and am starting to tick them off my list.

I go out for coffee by myself once a week which I really enjoy. I sit there people watching.

I treat myself to getting my nails and hair done.

Though I do have a DS to keep me busy and I wasn't too upset when ExH and I split up because the love was already long gone. But like others have said, give it time.

We had a rough time, some horrendous family stuff happening, bereavements on top of that and a few other things. Started to argue, I wanted to fix, his way of dealing was just to do his own thing and got close to someone else. Nothing came of it though and he left for some breathing space. We tried again but by then i guess he had already decided for himself that there is no way back. We are both not happy. He wants to be alone though and has made his peace. I'm struggling.

I am so sorry you are in the same boat. What's your story?

It's a long complicated story, I have a few threads on it.

Basically, emotionally abusive ex, did horrendous things to me. Getting way is the best thing I ever did, he finally did something I couldn't forgive. Walking away is the hardest thing I've ever done though. He messed me about for well over two years so I didn't even believe it was truly over when I left.

My ex now has a new girlfriend and should he pop into my head it's mostly because I'm worried for her, she's a lovely kind person.

When I left I knew I had to focus on me and moving on or he would always have control over me and I couldn't allow that to happen, so I forced myself to be social.

Well done for getting away, outed. I wish you luck on your journey