Please help me deal with this? I still can't believe this happened.

[user1499590110]

i posted recently but forgot my password to login and couldnt re set it, and im so distraught this morning i set up a new account. in a nutshell, i found out a few weeks ago that i was the other woman. i knew he lived with his wife and believed him to be separated (i know, this seems crazy to me now, but i truly believed him). i was 26 when i met him and we spent a couple if years seeing each other everyday bar maybe 10 in total. i wont go into the detail to try and defend why i believed him, but briefly it was based on messages he showed me, the fact that he portrayed his life in this way before we were intimate and when i was still in a relationship with someone else, so didnt htink he had any reason to lie, i had been to his house and he showed me his separate living space, he spoke every night on the phone to me... etc etc. but regardless of all that, i feel so so stupid i didnt demand to meet his wife sooner (i did in the end and thats what led to me finding out the truth).

ive only met his wife once as and obviously at the time she was very upset. she was understanding as far as she could be (and i thought that said a lot about her and didnt reflect all the shit this man had told me about her!), but she did keep repeating 'but you knew he was married though.' she had a point, i know. although we had a brief conversation, she said she needed to stop it as it was very hard for her, but maybe we could meet in a few weeks. since then i messaged to say how sorry i was and i also tried to explain how i really believed what he said to me. she never replied so i left it.

as time has gone on, i cant say i feel ive moved on at all. i feel SO angry with him , increasingly. i keep going over things he said and how he forced himself into my life when i had broken up with my ex. i cant believe he lied to me about sex, his living conditions, and cant believe he took me to his fucking house. how dare he. it wasnt as if i never questioned him, i did, but it really seemed to all fit. he was always available to speak and see me, it was more intense than my previous relationship in many ways. he was with me when i was unwell, drove me to the dentist etc. usual relationship things. it makes my head spin.

i feel worried about all of this:

• he is probably still lying to her and i want to tell her everything but i shouldn't should i? (i have ZERO interest in being with him)
• i feel angry that he may be living happily with her and all is forgiven when he will have fed her more bullshit
• i cannot imagine trusting anyone ever again, i have become so skeptical about men and love
• i feel lost because we spent so much time together, and then hugely angry, and it;s such a horrible mix of emotions
• i'm worried her kids will turn up at my door and do something horrible (they are teens and will take their dads side i expect) - i cant sleep something for thinking of it all. i live close.
• i feel really really sad that he did this to someone, but then i feel also sad for myself for how he hurt me. it's just horrible.

i dont know what i am asking really. the above list of things keeps spinning in my mind and i dont know if i am being irrational. the kids thing really bothers me - ive never known anyone who has had an affair before so i dont know how kids would be inclined to react to some other woman.

i feel so disgusted and cannot believe he would still be doing this if he hadnt been caught. he wasted so much of my time and now im left with all this mess in my mind.

anyone?

I think you need to speak to someone such as a therapist to hell you deal with all this. It's a massive betrayal of someone.

Sometimes you don't get all the answers or reach a conclusion with someone you are ok with.

I would also suggest some therapy though. I went through a traumatic break up after being with an asshole and it really did help.

None of this is your fault, remember that. The wife saying "but you knew he was married" is her absolving him of his responsibility and making it yours. I know that is utterly fucked but I see it time and time again.

Be kind to yourself x

i just keep worrying the kids will turn up and im scared to even answer the door. im not even sure what i would do as im so angry, i would certainly want them to know the entire truth. ive just got all these scenarios in my head and feel so cut up about it all

I was the wife in a similar scenario. I did wonder how the OW didn't realise he was married but he was very 'clever' - he'd fooled me.

She will be feeling a lot of the same things you are, but more so. This is the man she lived with, had children with, and no doubt had planned to be with for the rest of her life.

You don't have those ties to him, so you need to move on with your life.

I have teens and they've shown no interest in her, if that helps.

The wife is wrong, you knew he was "separated" which is different. This is all on him, not you or his wife.

NotJanie - do you think i should ask to talk to her? i cant work out if it is for purely selfish reasons that i want to do that, or if it would help protect her form more lies. i also think she would contact me if she wanted to, i made it clear i would talk to her whenever she wanted.

if your ex now with the ow? i have blocked this man's number and never want to speak to him again, so i worry that the kids could interpret him still being at home as me being the terrible person here and upsetting their mum. i just dont know as i have no experience of teens.

You need to stop projecting different scenarios. They haven't happened and it's pointless. Just deal with what is happening in your life right now. The stuff that's real, the stuff you can control.

What is in the past has happened. No amount of going over it will change anything.

although i know he lied to me, he told her that we both knew it was wrong and couldnt help ourselves! so he has properly lied to her, and still is for all i know. that makes me so angry. but like i say she hasnt come to me to ask more. he told me he wanted to marry me for gods sake. i wish i had told her all this, but we only spoke for ten minutes. i feel like she will be wondering whether what he is saying is true and that bothers me so much because i really questioned him on everything and definitely didnt just sleep with someone who was in committed relationship with someone else. but she hasnt contacted me - thats what i need to remember, and maybe it is upsetting to wonder why, because she probably thinks i am to blame.

jeaux - you are right i know. i think i just find it hard that he will be telling her all sorts and i am not able to tell my part. i guess thats what it comes down to.

why doesnt she want to know it all? i feel like that is a sign she thinks im full of shit. i dont know why it upsets me so much, maybe because i am more and more angry with him. so confused.

OP I read your previous post.

I think you need to step away and leave the bloke and his family to deal with the fallout whatever may happen. I also think you should possibly seek counselling to deal with his betrayal and the issues that go with that.

In your last thread you mentioned his children several times and your fear that they'll turn up at your door but there's no evidence that they'd do that is there?

Spend your energy moving on.

I think she would have made contact if she wanted to talk. I understand how you don't want her to be fooled by him any more, but you need to leave them to sort it out on their own. You're not responsible for any of this.

For me, we had already separated (due to another affair!) and ex was secretly living with the OW when we each found out about the other. He said she kicked him out so I don't know if they are still together.

Do you know his kids?

I know there is no evidence they would do that, but they will certainly be on their dads side and inevitably i expect i would then be the one who broke their family up? i dont know his kids, but both he ad his wife know where i live and it is nearby so it would be easy for the kids to find out. they are both late teens.

I think it is extremely unlikely. I can't imagine that they would even be told your name. They may not even know their dad's had an affair.

Life isn't like you see on tv

What makes you think they will tell their kids about you? If they stay together the most likely won't

For your own sanity you need to move on. The kids will be dealing with their parents relationship mess and in all truth you will be very low on their list of priorities. Same goes for his wife. I was cheated on and ime I really didn't give a toss about the OW or what she had to say, I was too busy dealing with my partner's infidelity.

You need to do whatever you have to do to let yourself move on with your life. You need to leave him and his family to deal with this situation and stop fixating on what ifs and other scenarios that tie you to them.

if they stay together, probably not. but if they spilt, as she said they would (said she wanted to divorce him), i could imagine the upset and it being blurted out that i live on x street. that's how i see it in my mind. i would retaliate because i would be angry, but it doesnt stop the worry. also if i was 18 i might even ask my mum about it if she was upset. im not sure though.

Givemyhead - why do you think she suggested meeting in a few weeks if she hasnt been in contact? i also feel sick that he has done this to a woman that, despite the context of our conversation, i could tell was a fun, decent person. i know that;s not my grief to have, but it makes me feel really deeply sad, just the fact of it.

They (the kids) probably would want to cross the street to avoid you. They aren't interested in you.

The wife doesn't want anything more to do with you, and neither does the arsehole husband.

You've been lied to, betrayed and dumped, but none of those people - the couple or the kids - can help you with that. You are projecting your thwarted attachment for him onto her and the kids, because you want contact with them. As if something is better than nothing and everything has got confused. Even the fear of the kids reprisals is some sort of unconscious wish for closure, for contact.

You have to separate and it's painful. Therapy will help. It's hard to move on, horribly hard. But leave the wife alone - any more attempt at contact is intrusive now.

Good luck. It's awful, he's a scumbag, and you must put it behind you.

They have nothing for you and you cannot help the wife.

Atrocious - i think your message makes sense, though i wouldnt have thought that by myself. it would represent a closure perhaps, because right now it's as if my life was turned upside down literally within the space of an hour and i cannot get my head around the lies.

i dont know why she suggested meeting, but of course shes entitled to change her mind. i said in my last ext to her that i wouldnt contact her again but would always speak if she wanted to. i hope that was ok to say.

your message has made me consider my feelings differently, thank you

Not your circus, not your monkeys. The woman knows enough to make an informed decision without you going into the ins and outs of it. She's likely realised deep down that he's betrayed her and done it so casually and for so long that really the "right" thing would be to tell him to sling his hook. If she decides for whatever reason (likely the teenage kids) that she's going to push that aside and make the marriage work, then the kindest thing to do would be to leave her well alone.

The fact that she kept pushing it back on you by saying, "you knew he was married", stinks of trying to blame at least some of it on someone else and not the dickhead she's married to. She's going to stick by him, and if blaming you is how she's going to manage that (and it's a lie I don't think she will ever fully believe) then let her crack on.

The kids won't turn up- there's no way any responsible parent would hand over info which would lead their child into getting involved, even if they were so inclined to see you. No, in all likelihood the whole scenario will get brushed under the carpet and you will only be mentioned in hissed tones when there's been too much drink taken for years to come.

I commented on your last thread. I am sorry things are so hard and I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news if I tell you that things will be hard for a long while. You are dealing with the fallout of a traumatic situation and if you accept that you are hurt, angry and grieving it might stop putting pressure on yourself to feel better.

It is important to stop obsessing about him and his family. The wife is having to deal with a lot but really none of that is anything to do with you now. Please stop worrying you are going to get a knock at the door from his kids, this is a fear that is unlikely to materialise.

Please see your GP or a counsellor to get help as needed. Accept this is going to take time to get over. Read Chumplady. Look after yourself. Go to a gym for the endorphins you get from exercise. Things will get better but it will be baby steps.

thanks for the replies. im finding it all so hard. maybe psychologically there is something in the above poster who said i am seeking to try and find some closure. i just cant believe it has all happened, and the more time goes on, the more angry i am at him and therefore the more i want his wife to know every little detail of his horrible lies. on top of all that im also totally head fucked that a person could even do what he did. i hate him for that, my trust in anyone and everything feels irreparably broken.

as the shock wears off, it is replaced with anger. feel like im a so broken in so many ways