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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to sleep with him anymore

27 replies

Grimbles · 09/07/2017 09:28

I wasn't sure if this should be in sex or aibu, but I think it's a deeper relationship issue. This may be a long post

As per the title, I don't want to have sex with my DH anymore. The reason for this is he takes an incredibly long time to ejaculate (an hour isn't unusual), if at all and to even get him to that point I have to spend ages stimulating him with my hands, etc. It's basically a massive chore for me and puts me off.

This has been going on for years and he refuses to accept it's a problem, I have tried to be understanding, I have suggested speaking to a doctor but he won't as it's 'too embarrassing'. I have said it doesn't matter to me personally if he doesn't come but he, of course, feels differently!

To add to this, we have been TTC for a few years which of course requires ejaculation. We have 1DS and as I am nearing 40 time isn't on our side. It took a long time for me to conceive him due to this issue. We went to the drs about it at the time, and I had all the intrusive tests, etc. because DH didn't want to bring up his issue.

It came to a bit of a head last night and I got angry for the first time in ages. My childbearing years are nearly over and I am feeling massive resentment that his stupid pride has 'robbed' me of having children. He got upset and said that I wasnt helping because he knows I don't enjoy sex and that puts him off.

I just don't know what to do. I know I am being unreasonable to a degree but he won't understand that sex should be enjoyable for me too and it's not all on me to make sure he comes. Just to add, I don't tell him when I'm fertile as I don't want to put anymore pressure on him to perform.

OP posts:
colonelgoldfish · 09/07/2017 10:04

What a difficult situation for you both.

The issue with him must be very frustrating for both of you but the onus really is on him to seek some medical advice (with your support).

Would he not entertain the idea of going along to the GP to discus what's happening?

ElspethFlashman · 09/07/2017 10:07

Sounds utterly grim, tbh.

IrritatedUser1960 · 09/07/2017 10:10

That sounds really awful Grimble, I couldn't bear that either. I'd get angry too.

Quite honestly I think it's time to get tough with him, no sex at all until he's seen a doctor, ultimatum time. Men are hopeless with anything medical and need a damned good kicking to motivate themselves to do anything like seeing a doctor.

I hope he does and this gets sorted, it could be something so simple yet has caused so much pain x Flowers

EezerGoode · 09/07/2017 10:17

He let you go brought invasive tests ,rather than be honest to save his pride? You had NHS money spent on you ,when you knew he was the problem? Wow...what a waste of NHS money a waste of yr doctors time,and yr husband is not a nice man to allow his wife to go throu upsetting tests when he knew ...knew ...he was the problem....why on earth do you want another child with him?

EezerGoode · 09/07/2017 10:21

Through,not brought

JK1773 · 09/07/2017 10:32

My ex did exactly this with the ttc. Refused to get tested, I had tests, no problems. And for very personal reasons I knew deep down it was him with the problem. After 7 years I left when I was 40. It's now 2 years later and I don't regret it for a minute. I may never have DC now and I'm angry at myself for staying and him for robbing me. He actually went to GP as I was making plans to leave him but it was far too late by then and he knew it. He was the very last person I wanted DC with. This man ignored me when I cried, if I brought up adoption or other solutions he told me to shut up. I bitterly wish I'd left earlier. Don't end up like me. Although I'm happy in every other area of my life this is too big of an issue to ignore OP. Flowers

Original poster
Grimbles · 09/07/2017 17:16

Thanks for your responses guys, it helps to know I'm not being a bitch about being annoyed about it.

JK he did have the sperm test, he just didn't tell the Dr about his problems ejaculating, although tbf back then it wasn't happening all the time. He is the one that wants dc2 more than I do!

Would it be crazy to suggest home insemination to him? Maybe if we do something that helps with the TTC but takes the pressure of him it may help?

OP posts:
rizlett · 09/07/2017 17:52

He really needs to speak to a health professional - just in case it's something medical that's the problem.

TomHardysDirtyLittleSecret · 09/07/2017 17:58

In nearly posted this exact same post myself this morning but my dh is the exact opposite, it's almost over before it starts if you get me and we're also TTC... but sex for me is a complete non-starter, never has been in 10 years of marriage. I can completely relate to this and therefore I'm watching with interest. Hope you get some answers

Original poster
Grimbles · 09/07/2017 18:01

I will persuade him to go to the doctor. I'm not comfortable in issuing ultimatums but I think I need to on this one!

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 09/07/2017 18:06

Does he watch porn? Could he be suffering from 'death grip'

He could also just DIY then ejaculate inside you? In order to hurry and conceive

ShizeItsWeegie · 09/07/2017 18:09

Death grip. That's why he won't go to the Doc. Crap situation for you OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2017 18:26

Personally, I wouldn't accept his stance of being "too embarrassed." That's fucking ridiculous. Doctors help men with these issues all the time. If he cares about your relationship then he would be willing to deal with a slight bit of initial embarrassment.

lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 18:28

YANBU at all - this sounds like an absolute nightmare.

lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 18:28

Agreed Aquamarine

hasitcometothis33 · 09/07/2017 18:39

If you don't want to sleep with him, that's our choice. It's your body. Nothing unreasonable in making choices about your body.

If he doesn't want to want to go to there gp about taking an hour to cum* - again that's his choice.

It's understandably upsetting for you, but making it more dramatic than it needs to be isn't helpful.

*which could be for all sorts of medical/psychological reasons. The assumption of porn/wanking by some is silly.

hasitcometothis33 · 09/07/2017 18:44

^should read as 'your choice' not 'our choice'. Obviously.

silkpyjamasallday · 09/07/2017 18:55

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds like such a difficult situation Flowers
Does he masturbate a lot? It could be 'death grip' as other posters have said, so the feeling of a vagina doesn't compare to the pressure he will exert with his hand and his body has got used to this over the sensations of PIV.

You should tell him how you feel regarding the resentment because of being unable to properly ttc because he won't seek help. I would tell him he either has to go to the doctors, stop masturbating for a decent length of time or try artificial insemination at home (at the very least he does a diy job until the crucial moment) Of he won't do any of these things then I would be questioning whether he doesn't want another child.

Isetan · 09/07/2017 18:56

Being embarrassed is a cop out, considering what you have and had to put up with. Why have you let him prioritise his pride over your feelings? This is a relationship imbalance, one which you have enabled. If you want different, you going to have to stop deferring to Mr Fragile.

hasitcometothis33 · 10/07/2017 16:04

How is the OP deferring to 'Mr Fragile'?

If he doesn't want to disclose his (apparent) problem to a doctor, he doesn't have to.

Thephoneywar · 10/07/2017 16:59

So he's struggling to reach orgasm and ejaculate and your attitude is to force him to go to the doctors and withhold sex and intimacy and to become upset with him. How horrible. Imagine if he did that to you because you couldn't orgasm.

Original poster
Grimbles · 10/07/2017 17:02

So we had a talk and he has agreed to go to the doctors.

He says he rarely masturbates and I believe him - he is at work til 7pm and with me most of the rest of the time so unless he is sneaking off the crack one off in the middle of the night I'm not sure when he'd get the chance!

He explained to me that he is getting aroused during sex and feels his o building up, it's literally when he gets to the point of coming that it just stops. Sometimes he gets a thumping in his head like a really strong pulse and he gets light-headed and dizzy. He was also diagnosed as having a vit D deficiency a few months back which may or may not be relevant.

In the meantime I am not withdrawing sex but have told him he will need to diy if things start going on too long and he has agreed to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grimbles · 10/07/2017 17:05

Thephoneywar - I am not a cocksock that he can just pump away at for ages until he orgasms.

If you had bothered to read my OP, this is an ongoing thing that he has refused to acknowledge was an issue for years.

OP posts:
Thephoneywar · 10/07/2017 17:09

I did read your op. And having sex with someone is more than being a cocksock. How would you want to be treated if you were the one struggling to come. He's not choosing to not come.

Original poster
Grimbles · 10/07/2017 17:20

If don't come through penetration, I usually sort myself out. If you had read my OP you would have spotted the bit where I said that him not coming didn't bother me personally. If I was expecting my husband to continue penetration even though he was tired, sore and not really feeling it then you might have a valid comparison. If I was ignoring my husband saying that maybe I should speak to a doctor to find out if there was a cause and completely disregarding his sexual pleasure then it wouldn't be a shock if he decided he didn't want to have sex with me.

OP posts:
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