Can our relationship survive infidelity separation and depression

[Sadmomma1234]

Two years ago husband had an affair, he left and ended up in a relationship with the ow. They split in December last year and in Feb this year we decided to try and rebuild our marriage. I take some responsibility for his affair because I pushed him away we didn't have sex for over a year and I wouldn't talk to him, I slept downstairs. Quite honestly I was a nightmare. During our separation I stopped him seeing our kids, I said some really awful things about him and his family. Things have been going fairly well, until I basically gave him an ultimatum about moving back home ( he rents a room elsewhere). My point was he was always here anyway, he has tea here everyday he was staying over at least twice a week so what was the difference? He had made it clear he wanted to go slowly and he was struggling to get past some of the awful things I'd said and done ( I know he had the affair but I could forgive because it was partly my fault). Anyway we had a massive argument on Sunday, he stayed Monday night( yes we had sex which he instigated), on Tuesday he basically told me he didn't want us to try any more cos he didn't feel like he loved me as he should, he was struggling to get over some of the things I said and did and also his family hate me for the things I said, but the main thing seems to be that he can't face my family and friends. He's been taking antidepressants and has been really struggling because he's having to actually face the things he did instead of being able to bury his head in the sand. He's seen the gp and had his meds changed but he's saying he needs space to sort his head out. I've known him for 25 years and been married 23 of them so I know that a) he's very depressed b) he can't face what he did c) he's built a wall around himself to protect himself ( he was suicidal when we first split up and I stopped him seeing the kids) d) he does love me cos he's said so hundreds of times, he's just scared things will slide back to how they were. He also said that when he's at the house he can't wait to leave, but he's admitted that until we argued he was happy to come here and be with me, he also said he felt like he didn't want sex, which again he had no problem with til we argued and he instigated it just as often as me. I'm trying to be supportive and to see his behaviour for what it is ( he's lashing out), I want to give him the space he needs but I'm really struggling myself. I adore him but he can't seem to understand that it's not all about what he wants either. We are meant to be going away for 2 weeks with the kids in 7 weeks time. He's freely admitted that being here as a family is the best option, we have so much history and we were very happy for over 20 years. Do I give him the space he needs and hang in there cos I'm pretty sure in a few weeks when he's better or do I just say sod him!! I love him and I want it to work and he says that he would in an ideal world like things to work too but with how he's feeling right now he doesn't feel like he wants to make an effort at all. Sorry for the super long post but I feel like I needed to explain properly x

He's freely admitted that being here as a family is the best option

Because its easier for him? All of this is about him. So what if he says he loves you - actions speak louder than words and he's shown how he really feels.

Why do you want him there?

I feel like what he says and what he means aren't the same. When we've talked about this he's said that yes he probably is lashing out cos he's depressed and that the main reason he doesn't want us to keep trying is because he simply can't face other people knowing they are judging him and probably hate him. He knows he is being a coward and taking the easy option if he hides away. He's also admitted that he was totally happy with us rebuilding our relationship and the way things were going until we argued. He's struggling with the pressure of all that and there's nothing he would like more than for us to work things out. He seems to really want the meds to work so he is emotionally stable enough to deal with all that. He has struggled with stress and anxiety for a while, probably for a year or so before we first separated. When we first got back together we didn't really like each other so to love each other even a little is a massive step. We've got so much history and we have kids. He is in total agreement that lots of marriages have started by being built on a damn sight less than what we have. If I truly believed he didn't love me I'd walk away but I think the depression and the defences he's built up around himself are making it very hard at the moment. He needs the meds but he also needs help to let his guard down and stop pushing me away. Trust me it'd be a lot easier for him to walk away and never look back. That way he wouldn't have to face up to what he did, he wouldn't have to face my family and he wouldn't have to face the backlash from his family either. I know he needs time for the meds to work but he needs help to lower his guard too. I want him here because we were very happy once and he wasn't just my husband he was my best mate too. We have so much history I don't want to give up on him or our marriage

You want to honestly know how it reads from the outside? Or at least my opinion. He won't move back in because he isn't willing to commit to you again. It has nothing to do with what bad things you may have said. He's using that to turn the blame on you and away from what he's done. Any adult would totally understand why you would have said horrible things and understood it was because of what he's put you through. If he was my son I would forgive you for saying nasty things, he's been very nasty having an affair.

Right now he has it perfect, he sees his kids daily, dinner daily, sex a few times a week but gets to be single and go home to his single pad. I'm not suggesting he's seeing anyone else but I think he's leaving himself open to freedom (not with other women but a more free life) and he isn't going to commit back to family life

I honestly think you need to give him an ultimatum. Move back home and move on as a unit. Or you've had enough of not knowing where you stand, what's going on and being played along and begin together legally organising contact, maintenance etc.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, and it's just my opinion from seeing others in similar situations. I really believe he's manipulating you and taking you for the ride whilst he figures out what it is he really wants.

He doesn't sound at all sorry for having an affair and I'd blaming a lot of things on you. But he's telling you that he's not sure how he feels about you. He's not willing to put any effort into your relationship and seems to blame it on what you said, on what your families think.

I don't really see a future there. What would you tell your daughter if she was in the same relationship?

These are quite harsh replies, I have every sympathy for what he's feeling which I'm sure you must realise is exactly the same as you: he loves you but he's not sure he can put this relationship back together after everything that has happened. I know MN comes down hard on affairs but your behaviour is more than being 'a nightmare', not talking to your husband for a year is squarely in the abuse category. There's a lot to forgive on both sides, you may not be able to put this teacup back together however much you both may want to.

If you continue trying though I strongly disagree with other posters recommendations to give another ultimatum - absolutely the wrong thing to do if you want to be together again, absolutely the right thing to do if you want to end it for good and take care of yourself. Repairing trust is going to require a lot more time and patience... perhaps more than you can give.

Oh FFS - the OP wasn't abusive by not having sex and refusing to discuss it

Sure it's not ideal but not abusive.

You have both behaved badly, but ultimately he's only come back to you because he and OW split and he wants to maintain his single status whilst getting fed and shagged all the while blaming you for the breakdown of your relationship.

He is an absolute cunt

Oh FFS - read the OP. She refused to talk to HIM. For a year. Not just about sex.

He is not an absolute cunt.

He's got it quite cushty hasn't he? Come and go as he pleases, sex and company on tap. See the kids when he wants. Christ knows what's going on in their heads poor buggers.

Do THEM a favour if you can't do yourself. This relationship has died and has decomposed past the point of revival. It's time.

"he wanted to go slowly" - but you have not been going slowly he has basically been at home most of the time.You want a full relationship again. However, if he is truly depressed then he needs space and time to deal with that. Depression can make your perceptions totally skewed, it can also be a very "selfish" disease where the sufferer can only think of their own needs in that moment and not how they are hurting others. They simply are not capable of making rational decisions and putting in the effort needed to rebuild a relationship.
Try to detach and work on nurturing yourself - spend your energy there.

If you are still willing to fight then I would roll things right back and take it super slow - meet up for walks or chats without the DC once or twice a week, no sex - rebuild from the start - no ultimatums. The emotional intimacy and trust you once had has been severed. He seems more concerned about his ego and how he perceives others see him (like his family) than tending to you and your DC. You said some nasty things and he had an affair. If you think he is "safe" then let the DC see him alone - like you would do with contact arrangements during a seperation. Try and get some counselling. Is he getting counselling and is he taking his meds? Do not take all the blame on yourself - only he can start healing himself.

Right when I say I didn't talk to him for a year I didn't mean it literally, I meant we weren't communicating effectively and we didn't have sex because I developed a disability that made it impossible for a while. Yes I did think myself that he simply had whatever he wanted from me while being able to do as he pleased. He's never not done what he wanted I always encouraged him to go out with mates and go on holidays with his friends so that's not the issue. When we split up it almost killed us both and neither of us want that again. The only reason he stayed with the other woman is because he was homeless. He knew it and so did she. She lived 4 hours drive away and he was off sick from work thru depression then and they both knew that when he went back to work they would be over. When he started seeing the kids again he moved straight back to our area. I believe him absolutely when he says that wants to go slowly and it was an ultimatum that caused all this recent upset. We were taking our time for both our sakes and up til the argument things were going well. He's never really been the type to confront things head on he's always buried his head and that's what he's doing now. I have bipolar so I understand more than anyone the way people behave when depressed. That's why I'm trying to cut him some slack. And he's suggested that he doesn't have food here and that we stop having sex, purposely so I don't think, and nor do other people that I'm being used. It may look like I'm in denial but I'm really not. I know he's being selfish but depression is an illness that makes u like it. I can see his behaviour for what it is and so can he. He's shutting himself off so he doesn't get hurt, and he's running away from facing up to what he did. I'm asking for help on how to help him let his guard down with me and how to help him thru the next couple of weeks til the meds kick in. Yes he's behaved like a total cunt but so have I and if anyone knew some of the things I said to him they'd understand why he wants to go slow. I also think he's scared that things will slide back to how they were cos the illness I have isn't curable although it is very treatable once it's controlled (which it is). Any sane person would only have to spend five mins with him to see he's depressed but he's trying to get thru it with the dr and me helping him.

And he does see the kids alone every week. We've done that from the start (almost 6 months ago). He would never hurt the kids so I have no issue with that. The dr has said counselling isn't wise at the moment because he's not in the frame of mind to go over the things he needs to. Dr thinks he needs the meds first and then when they are working see if he needs counselling then

Just to add that when he came back I made a decision to forgive and it's been hard but I've worked at it. He is trying to forgive the things that I did to him but I think it's harder for him than me. That's just the kind of person he is really. I didn't post on here to be judged I posted on here for advice on how to help him deal with everything, how to help him realise I will never let my illness get in the way again but mainly on how to help him lower his guard because at the moment he doesn't want to love me because it will destroy him if it doesn't work. One of the comments state he only came back because he and ow split up. That's not the case at all.

"I didn't post on here to be judged I posted on here for advice on how to help him deal with everything, how to help him realise I will never let my illness get in the way again but mainly on how to help him lower his guard because at the moment he doesn't want to love me because it will destroy him if it doesn't work."

Okay, the very simple but unpleasant answer is that you can't 'help' him to do any of these things. You have to back off and let him decide to do them himself with the absolute understanding that he may decide that he can't or doesn't want to.

Which is hard and shitty, and why I think so many pp are saying just call it dead and protect yourself. But I really don't think the contempt and name calling from those pp is justified.

Sounds like you've both behaved appallingly. How sure are you that this even should be salvaged? He broke your trust by having his affair, you retaliated by stopping him see his children. Stop and take a breath and think about how you would feel if he took your children and wouldn't let you see them. HIS children. You punished him and your children. It wouldn't surprise me if this half hearted attempt at trying again is to make sure he can see his kids as often as possible. He knows you'll use your children against him now, you've proved it. He must be very worried about making a clean break from you. I don't say any of this to minimise the hurt caused by his affair at all. But just offer a possible explanation for his behaviour. If this is not going to work you simply cannot punish him and your children in this way. It's unforgivable

I was shocked at some of the nasty comments I must say. I am certain that with some effort we can save our marriage. I used the kids to hurt him quite simply to lash out and make him hurt like I did. He knows that and we've talked a lot about it and I've apologised in every way I can. He says that he would very much like our marriage to work and so would I, and my kids are all old enough to understand what's been going on and that there's right and wrong on both sides. He's just too depressed to talk about the things that need to be addressed at the moment. He knows that once the meds start working his mood will improve as will his ability to deal with the problems. As I've said and everyone seems to be missing, we were absolutely fine until our argument earlier in the week. He's saying that he can't mentally deal with the pressure of an ultimatum. Depression is a horrible evil illness and it destroys lives. I know that more than anyone. If he didn't want to even try and work things out he wouldn't and he certainly wouldn't of booked us a family holiday. Up until our argument he talked about holidays, Xmas and stuff to do next year. That doesn't sound like the actions of a person who doesn't want to try.

And just for the record I'm aware that stopping him seeing the kids is unforgivable but he also understands that what he did was just as bad and that it was just too hard for me to have him around. To put this in context I was hospitalised because I lost ten stone in 5 months and it damaged my heart so trust me when I say the last thing I needed was him rubbing my nose in it. There's two sides to every story. And he knows that I'm in a better place mentally now and I made a promise to him and my kids I would never do it again, and I've never broken a promise to my kids

Do yourself, him and your kids a favour by ending the relationship for good, and allow him regular, fixed access to the kids. You both sound utterly miserable and it's going to have a negative impact on the children, he's only there because it was the only way he could see his kids.

Honestly, I don't think stopping him seeing the children was acceptable even if he had an affair. My exh cheated (not why we split ultimately), I never stopped him seeing dd as it would have been her who suffered. That's by the by though as you clearly know it was wrong.

I do think he seems to be shifting the blame to you though - regardless of how bad the marriage became he should have walked away before putting it in someone else and he needs to take responsibility for that.

Is marriage counselling an option? If you're both committed it sounds like something that could help.

i think you can only take this a step at a time - the first step is give him some space until the meds kick in - a couple of weeks? - go back to basics - let him see the kids - and tea if you want but no sex. you have the holiday coming up - and this will put pressure on you all so again i think you need to make this all about the kids - i dont know how old they are but if they are old enough tell them the truth - you want to try and make it work but it may not - at the moment their father is ill and needs space time and support - you are trying to make things easier for him. after the holiday this is when you can talk - he has to face up to his guilt and he is going to have to face your parents etc - this is the only way you will know if he means what he says and will gain his self - respect back and respect from all those he cheated on - its not just you! - i come from a similar place - my x was depressed after i made him leave - i let him come home and took care of him for a couple of months - at this time i did not know he had been having an affair with someone he worked with - my conscience is clear - my kids saw me care for their father who needed looking after - i did the right thing by him at the time and despite everything thats happened since i still believe it was the right thing to do!

The more you post, the more you seem to be apologising for him. Yes, depression is an awful illness, but he's not going to come out the other end unless he owns up to the causes of it, which he doesn't appear to be doing while he has things his own way.

He's only there for two reason, free sex on a plate and to see his kids.

Sorry but that is how it reads to me; the relationship was probably over when he left you for OW, that's massive OP, sounds like he only came back to you because they split and he wants to see his children; but, I am afraid where you are concerned, you still have to live with the mistrust in him because he's more than capable of taking up with OW anytime he feels like it esp when you are excusing it; no matter how hurtful your words, actions speak much louder.