How to make this work?

[kittythames]

Dh and I have been together 14 years. All good and unremarkable. A couple of months ago he confesses a debt of 16k which had built up over time when he way made redundant and there was a very stressful family situation, gambling to make himself feel better. Fortunately I had recently received an inheritance which was enough to clear it with no worries. He's been working again for more than a year.
It's been about 4 months now and he thinks everything's returned to normal. Divorce isn't an option to me, I've done it once and the ramifications for young DS were horrific.
For me things can't go back to normal. Two years of lying. Not confessing until his back was against the wall. Not trusting me when he needed help. Risking the home of his family.
I believe he won't gamble again, it was a unique set of circumstances.

But, but, but, why can't I forgive it? How do I make this work. Youngest DC is 11 and I am committed to this relationship until they leave for uni.

Any advice?

Domt share financiers and dont believe a word he says.

Finances are separate, though it is little comfort.

Well, you can't forgive him because you know that he's not particularly sorry, or trustworthy. I mean, he'd do it again wouldn't he? You've let him get off Scot free last time, what reason or motivation would he have not to do it again. I winced when I read you'd used your inheritance to save his arse. He's taken you for a mug and all

Really thestamp? I guess it's because I could understand how it could happen, the cycle of not being able to confess of trying to win it back. He knows I won't accept it again. Basically he's a good man with a serious weakness and I know I'm not perfect. Have I been totally stupid?

Kitty is he paying you back with a low interest rate included?

If yes then you've not been stupid. If no...

He needs to ultimately pay, not you else you will feel the mug .

No, not repaying. The money doesn't seem important really. An inheritance I never really expected.
Is there any way to rebuild trust? Will it just be like living with a friend forever?
Keep thinking he sat next to me in the sofa for two years playing on his tablet and never once gave it away. That level of deception scares me.

It's the principle, he should pay for his mistakes not you.

I don't know how you ever get over such a long standing deception/betrayal of any kind. I guess it starts with him being really contrite and trying to make amends.

If he's not showing much remorse and he isn't planning to repay your inheritance (it may have been unexpected, but you could have done something lovely for yourself and the DCs with it rather than him paying his debts) then I don't know if you will ever get over it.

Gosh that must be so difficult for you, you really have my sympathy! In my mind, the money is not the problem, it's that the trust has been broken, and relationships can't survive (in my opinion) until the trust begins to be restored. I'd really recommend getting some couples counseling to process what has happened, and to help you share with him how he has hurt you, but in a constructive way.

He is extremely ashamed and contrite. He is being overly open about his finances, given over all passwords, wants me to open his mail (encouraged at GA, I think)
In everyday terms he is an excellent husband, works ft, ps his weight at home and loves being with me and kids.
He had offered to repay the money from one of his pension pots but to me it really isn't about the money. I guess I don't truly believe he loves me, surely if you love someone and you have a problem you tall to them, you don't hide it for years??

That's it Honey. Can we get through it without counseling? I'm working a sixty hour week and he's full time too.