Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Am I crazy or does he have some sort of personality disorder?

24 replies

Notyetdefeated · 08/07/2017 18:32

I've NC'd as I don't want to out myself and frankly I'm ashamed of my situation. In a nutshell I've been seeing a guy for the last two years. At first he was wonderful, brilliant with my kids and extremely supportive of the shit I was going through with my ex husband. We moved in together after a year, he came to live with me and my children. Things were fantastic initially and we got along great guns but overnight he changed and became abusive towards me. Commenting on my weight (I'm a size 10!!!), my inadequate salary and the way I patented my children. Months before he had congratulated me on being a great mum and overnight he was accusing me of neglect. He started demanding sex like it was a right he had to me and just became bloody obnoxious. He's split up with me on multiple occasions and each time I've no clue where he's gone. Have recently found out he's been shagging his ex wife who he's never had anything good to say about. He's come back and I've taken him back but he has no empathy or remorse for what he's done. I weep sometimes over his treatment and he tells me to pull it together and stop wallowing in my own self pity. I've lost what little self esteem I had left and just feel empty. He's a shit and deep down I think I know it but I've become so weak and needy I don't feel like I can be without him. I know what I need to do I just don't know where I get the strength from.

I know I'm ultimately to blame for being so weak. Just wanted to type out my shit show of a life.

OP posts:

RedastheRose · 08/07/2017 18:36

Sounds like he's a narcissist! Read up about love bombing and the red flags of emotional abuse. The thing with the ex is called triangulation he wants you both to do the pick me dance . Kick his ass out of your life

VulvalHeadMistress · 08/07/2017 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patriciathestripper1 · 08/07/2017 18:45

Please kick him out. Your children will see the effect he has on you and it will spoil what should be a happy childhood for them.
He sounds an utter shite and you must have been doing okay before he came along so you know in your heart of hearts that you will be ok when he has gone?
Think of it as a new exciting beginning not an end.

thestamp · 08/07/2017 18:50

Don't waste time thinking about him. Who knows what the fuck is wrong with him. He sounds so completely dreadful!

You need to concentrate on removing him from your life.

Whose name is on the deed/lease?

Do you have family/friends who might be able to help you formulate a plan?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 08/07/2017 18:56

I diagnose a terminal case of arseism. Can't be cured, treatment is radical, kick him out of your house, block him on SM, and thank the gods you got rid of him.

isitjustme2017 · 08/07/2017 18:59

He has completed killed off your self esteem which is why you feel you can't get rid of him. You've already said you know he's wrong for you and that you need to separate.
Could you consider some counselling to help with your self esteem and confidence?

Have you told friends/family what is going on? They could help give you the strength you need and hold your hand.
This guy is taking the pure piss out of you and he needs putting in his place. What a horrible individual he is. He does NOT deserve you.

adifferentnameforthis · 08/07/2017 19:01

Probably not a personality disorder (most of which are debilitating for the person) just a straight forward abusive arse hole. Leave.

FaithAgain · 08/07/2017 19:03

It doesn't really matter why the behaviour manifests (personality disorder or not), he is vile! Do all of you a favour and kick him out! Do you what your children growing up with him as a father figure? Do you want them to think it's okay for a man to treat them like this?

Tilapia · 08/07/2017 19:04

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Don't blame yourself, OP. It's not weak to hope for the best from other people.

Runlovingmummy81 · 08/07/2017 19:15

Take the control away from him. Pack his things, tell him to go and change the locks. Block his number and on any social media. Ignore him and his requests to see or speak to you. I agree with the others he's a narcissist and arse hole of the highest order.

OhMyYears · 08/07/2017 20:13

Definitely a Narcissist. Read up about idealisation, devalue and discard. You will get a lightbulb moment!

scoobydoo1971 · 08/07/2017 20:40

I guess he was always Mr Nasty...he just hid it well when you started dating. Your life will not improve while he is coming and going like an elevator at his choosing. He may have done a fine number on your self esteem, but you should imagine your kids coming home 20 years from now with a partner who shows his traits...then have a word to yourself about the effect this abusive relationship is having on their perception of normal, adult relationships. If that doesn't give you the courage to bin him permanently, nothing will. He needs therapy and your accepting of his behaviour is validating in his mind - he is thinking he can treat you rubbish because you let him which in turn reminds him about how 'important' he is...if he was a junkie, you would hide his drugs...time to hide yourself from him and run.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 08/07/2017 23:46

Kick him out.

ijustwannadance · 08/07/2017 23:50

He is just a twat. The shitty comments and put downs are meant to make you feel worthless and are a common tactic of cheating arseholes.

Why on earth did you take him back?
Get rid. He will destroy you.

sofato5miles · 08/07/2017 23:51

Get rid. You don't need him and your children most certainly do not.

blackteasplease · 08/07/2017 23:52

Please get him out your life and your children's lives. He sounds horrendous.

Sn0tnose · 09/07/2017 00:01

If you can't get rid of him for yourself, can you do it for your children? You've come out of a marriage, so you know deep inside that you're capable and that you can survive this. Show your children that this is not what healthy relationships are supposed to look like 💐

Atenco · 09/07/2017 04:04

I suspect you didn't leave yourself enough of a gap between your ex and this man, so it is like breaking up from a much longer relationship. You could sign up for the Freedom Programme, it is not expensive and apparently very good.

yourerubberimglue · 09/07/2017 04:08

It's not your fault for 'being weak' it's his fault for making you feel weak by abusing you - tell him to get the fuck out

Shoxfordian · 09/07/2017 08:11

Yeah get rid of him
Be strong Op

Wormulonian · 09/07/2017 08:33

Get him out. How can you let him live with your DC? You are setting a bad example to them for the future. Don't put up with it - he has cheated, put your health potentially at risk and is abusive!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2017 08:40

You really do need to find it within yourself to get rid of this individual now before he really does destroy you and in turn your children from the inside out. There is hope for you here because you have posted about it and you know this treatment of you and in turn they is wrong.

They do not need this abusive model of a stepfather figure in their lives either. They must not continue to see this dysfunctional and abusive model of a relationship because they could well go onto repeat this for their own selves. Its no legacy to leave them.

I would also suggest you talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and enrol on their Freedom Programme; it will help you no end in future as well.

This is who he really is. He deliberately targeted you to make you feel like you cannot live without him; such men are highly skilled manipulators and you and not the first nor will be the last to be taken in by such a man. This is also why your self esteem is on the floor now.

Start telling other people the truth re his abuses of you and in turn your children. Abuse as well thrives on secrecy, bust this wide open now and seek support from family friends and the likes of Womens Aid.

Examine too through counselling if necessary what you learnt about relationships when growing up and how this man actually wormed his way into your life in the first place.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2017 08:43

"think about how this man actually wormed his way into your life in the first place"

With reference to that, he likely targeted you when you were at a low place in your life (you may not have been long out of your previous marriage) and he saw something in you that he can and has indeed exploited for his own ends. These men are really master manipulators and can lay on the charm thick and fast; they love bomb their target.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 09/07/2017 08:43

Work hat on. I've come across a few people with personality disorder in my work life and trying to get inside their head is something that only professionals can do. I'm supporting someone at the moment with PD and I spend a fair amount of time imposing boundaries and making sure they don't manipulate me.

Work hat off. Whether he has a PD or not he is an arse and not good for you or your children. Do what you need to do to get him out of your life - change the locks, dump his stuff, block him on social media and get some counselling.

Good luck.

Flip