Is there a way to win back/foster a climate of respect in a marriage?

[KyleLilYachty]

DH treats me with no respect. He has no respect for the difficulty of juggling childcare, my job (part time granted), housework and my ill health. He tells me that childcare is easy work, my job is cushy and I am lazy around the house. He has no respect for my body, often grabbing me when it's not wanted. No respect for my feelings as he doesn't even flicker if I'm upset. It did not used to be like this and I wonder if there's a way to flip things back how they once were? Or is this it forever now?

Why are you with him?

He sounds awful.

Has he always been like that?

Sorry I mean when did he change and what was going on when he states behaving like that. I can see he used to be different.

Let me guess - he's never had the DC by himself for a prolonged period of time? Or been the one to take parental leave from work if the DC are ill etc?

In my experience, this kind of thing can improve briefly but it's always temporary.

Once they've treated you like this and you've stood for it already, the thing is the know there is no consequence so they just revert back. As long as the relationship continues, they know you have given them permission. The only answer is to end things.

After that the best case scenario is that they learn the lesson not to treat the next woman the same (maybe).

Continuing the relationship, whether you have "chats", set ultimata, etc is just giving the green light. They don't care what you say or what you threaten... They are watching your actions (ie not leaving, taking the abuse, etc) not your words

It's started in the last couple of years since DS arrived. MIL thinks I'm rubbish and I think the lack of respect stems from him feeling the same. Tempus you're right. He's never had DS overnight by himself, or for a full day, doesn't arrange childcare etc as it's assumed I'll do it. Which is fine for me but sometimes really smacks of thoughtlessness.

So 'no' basically is the answer.

Have you explained to him how it makes you feel?

I'd try having a Serious talk where you tell him in no uncertain terms that it's unacceptable and it has to stop and see what happens. He might change, but if he doesn't that tells you all you need to know about your relationship.

You need to go off for the weekend and leave your DH to it (without prepping everything for him beforehand). See how tidy the house is when you come back...

Or alternatively preferably leave him, he sounds awful. Men like this rarely just change - the signs are there beforehand but having DC really magnifies their selfishness

I am unsure how or when to explain it to him.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?

His mother sounds like a carbon copy of your H; the rotten apple did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin.

Talking to such types makes no difference in the long run because they know you've put up with it to date without consequence (i.e. leaving) and so will continue to do so.

There doesn't seem an awful to explain, OP - 'you're a selfish, disrespectful arsehole and a crap dad and I'm not doing this any more'

Should suffice.

Been there done that. They never change.

I am unsure how or when to explain it to him.

Just tell him how he's made you feel at a time when you're alone together.

It's possible, but he first needs to understand how you feel.

It can turn around if you make it clear you won't tolerate the disrespect and that if things don't change, you'll seriously have to consider whether you stay in the marriage.

If you love him and want the marriage to work, the best approach is to talk about the way things used to be and how he treats you.

If he has any good points talk about them first and he will be more receptive to the other issues.

One thing to note is that is the behaviour will continue as long as you allow it. Stand firm.

I've had a word last night and he didn't realise things were so bad so he's decided to put more of an effort in.

Good luck. I suggest you bookmark this thread because you'll be back.

Yeah see how long that effort lasts OP

I'd also be making plans to leave him if I were you

Kyle,

re your comment:-
"I've had a word last night and he didn't realise things were so bad so he's decided to put more of an effort in".

They all say that or variations of, its all designed to keep their target within the relationship. Change is short lived if it really does happen at all because they feel entitled to act like this and believe they have done nothing wrong here in the first place.

Kyle

Also OP look at his mother; he is a carbon copy of her and he has never stood up for you with regards to her either.

As Shox said, start to quietly make plans to leave. Talk is cheap and any effort from him will be short lived or non existant. He wont suddenly start treating you as an equal, guaranteed.

I've recently started a saving account of my own to which only I have access for 'just in case'. He has never stood up for me in front of his mum, true enough, I've told him about that too and the next time something happens (because it will, she does this regularly) I fully expect his backing

I suggest you keep notes for yourself of the things he says and does that make you unhappy.

These short periods of 'making an effort' can serve to dull your memory and trap you in a good-bad-make a brief effort cycle that'll last forever if you let it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!

Why has he never cared for your child on his own? You are allowing him to take the piss in this respect. Could you organise a spa night or day and get him to care for his own son? Might help him to understand

I came onto say yes you can foster those feelings again as dh and I have done it, but your relationship sounds much worse than ours was at its lowest. Why hasnt he ever looked after his own kids? Why dont you make plans and go out leaving him to it?

The important thing is to follow through on anything you say, otherwise he won't think there's a consequence for his unacceptable behaviour.

Unfortunately, having parents who behave a certain way affects people more than you realise. He may not even realise that his mother's character has become part of who he is today.

That's why it's so important to realise that if anyone lives in an unloving, abusive relationship.... That's what your children see and elements of that will become a part of who they end up.

Chances are they will either be a victim of abuse, or they become an abuser... Because they think that's acceptable behaviour.

When you make it clear you won't tolerate that behaviour..... It doesn't mean you leave the next day... You just make it clear to him that you aren't engaging with him as a wife, because he's not treating you, as you expect to be treated as a wife.

Or, you quietly make plans and emotionally detach from him... So that walking out is so much easier.