Don't think boyfriend's friends like me

[witchhazelblue]

I know this sounds as though we're in school when actually we're in our 40s! But for some reason it's really bothering me.

Been with BF just over a year and things are going well. He's been married and divorced twice and has a history of having a lot of girlfriends. He doesn't like being single for extended periods. That doesn't bother me to be honest, I'm pretty sure all of us who get to this age in life have various types of baggage (I do myself).

The issue is his friends really. He's known most of them for over half his life, they've obviously attended weddings, christenings for his kids...etc etc. Now I'm on the scene he's started to introduce me to his friends, including me when he gets together with them (none of them live locally so when we do meet up it's usually overnight). I get the distinct impression from several of them by the way they talk to me, body language etc that they're really not interested in talking to or engaging with me. And for some reason I find it upsetting.

I can totally see their point of view - they must have met a lot of his girlfriends down the years, and whose to say how long we'll be together. I'm not forcing myself on any of them (I'm not friends with any of them on Facebook for example, none of them comment or like anything he shares that involves us both). One of them made a point of bringing up his last wife when we were all out drinking recently, telling BF that 'we liked her'.

It's made me reluctant to go out with his friends when he suggests going to see any of them as it makes me uncomfortable. I havn't raised it with him (and I'm pretty sure he has no idea given his enthusiasm to involve me) and I don't know whether to say anything - or if that would just cause problems - or just ride it out and ignore it.

I feel like a teenager again! And it's not nice

Try not to take it personally. As you say, if he's had a lot of girlfriends they probably don't want to invest in building a relationship with you until they are sure you are a permanent fixture. How long that will take depends on his relationship history. If a year is a long time for him, hopefully they'll warm up soon. If he's a serial monogamist with a track record of lots of 1-2 year realationships you might have to wait a bit longer before they accept you fully. Don't avoid his friends, be patient and pleasant and wait it out.

I have a friend (also an in law, but would class him as a friend now) who always has different girlfriends too, and honestly, none of us bother much with the girls anymore. I mean, we're polite, we include them in conversation if they want to talk when we're all out, but not in the same way as others girlfriends. It's not even a conscious thing, I only realised we all do it when I read this post.
Blame your boyfriend, not his friends!
Not in a rude way, but since he's had so many and probably introduces so many, you're just another girlfriend and they're probably waiting til the next one comes along.
But ..it's been a year now. They should probably warm up gradually as the next year goes on. Bringing up his ex (in front of you especially) and saying they liked her is just rude though. Who does that?! That particular friend I think was just being a dick for the sake of it. Everybody knows you don't do that kind of thing. Most people wouldn't do that even if they actually disliked the girlfriend, just because they have manners.

My BF best mate didn't like me to begin with being loyal to the ex wife and all that. He's now like a brother figure to me. We are very close. Just keep chin up, push through, keep being your wonderful friendly self and they will love you soon enough!

Thanks all, comforting words. I'm just going to keep my head down and carry on - I have a thick skin really!

I agree about the talking about the ex wife thing Foniks, that made me especially uncomfortable. Ironically I only realised this was happening to me as I remember my Dad (who had a lot of girlfriends) used to do the same thing. After a while we stopped bothering with his girlfriends! I feel a bit bad about that now the boot is on the other foot.

I think they had loyalty to the ex and thought she was a good person. Maybe he treated her badly as the comment seemed to be aimed at pricking his conscience.

Just be forewarned..his friends are not against you but I guess struggle with his behaviour.

Could be true Hermonie - although the marriage broke down as she left him. But I agree I think there's an existing loyalty there.

Yes, I left my stbxh and often threatened to leave but it was because he was abusive.

My guess is they have seen how he behaved towards her and they were signalling that they thought she was a good woman.

Listen hard, dont take it as disrespectful to you but perhaps they were trying to counteract what you have been told by him.Take it as a warning, be on guard and you maybe grateful to them.

Remember what you are seeing is his good side as you are in the honeymoon phase but his friends have witnessed 2 marriages come and go.

I guess your bf is likeable and fun so friends happy to have him around but doesn't mean he treats his partners well.

My stbxh was married before, she certainly had issues (including affairs) but some people around stbxh were loyal to her.He appeared charming and completely innocent.Years later I am learning the truth.