Hi. I've been with my OH for 3 years. He is autistic (this is relevant to the story). We are in love and have a lot in common, he's very funny and smart. His family say that I'm his rock. Lots of ups and downs though due to the communication difficulties and his occasional odd behaviour. He used to live in another country for a number of years and would occasionally mention a female friend from that country who he kept in touch with. I was of the impression that they texted maybe once a month or less. He would occasionally show me photos she'd sent him or tell me she was going on holiday somewhere. OH was cheated on by several exes and is very paranoid about that kind of thing. I would never cheat on him and have always made a point in telling him where I'm going and who with, and sending photos. I don't even have any male friends.
Anyway, some months ago I discovered that OH and FF (female friend) had actually had an affair some years ago. I was starting to get really suspicious about things, I just started to notice that they were texting constantly. We'd be sitting in the pub together and he was texting away all afternoon. I asked who he was speaking to and he said oh it's just FF and would show me their chatty messages. He was always talking about how she was "in an unhappy marriage" and tbh I'd had some suspicions that something had happened before (I saw some photos of them looking 'close') but he always maintained they were friends only.
We went on holiday together last year and he was even texting her before the plane took off! I decided to confront him and eventually he admitted they'd had a "relationship" before but she wouldn't leave her husband. This had gone on for years, including long distance after he moved countries. He then visited her in her own country (he has family there) and the husband found out about it and the shit hit the fan. I'm not sure of the exact details but I think perhaps the husband asked her to choose and she chose him. But they stayed "friends". And then he met me a few months after this. I later found out that they were texting several times a week, not once a month like I'd thought.
I asked to text her and he said ok so I told her I knew about them and she freaked out a bit (she'd been chatting to him previously that day) and then eventually told me something that implied they'd still been involved not long before we got together. He went off in a strop (shutdown) and she was being a smartarse telling me things like "Oh yes, he's like that" when I mentioned him saying/doing something. I asked if her husband was aware that they texted and she laughed and said he doesn't pay attention. She was gleefully telling me about them saying I love you not long before we first met. I'd had enough of her by then - I stupidly thought she'd be reasonable but she showed her true colours. So I just stopped talking to her and went to see my bf who was practically catatonic due to my emotional outburst (I wasn't that bad but I think he just couldn't handle it).
When things calmed down between us I asked my bf for the full story and he told me about how they'd met online and she'd told him she was getting divorced. She kept this up, stringing him along and eventually they met. He moved across the country to be closer to her at one point but she still didn't get divorced. He even drunkenly phoned her husband one night and told him about the affair and her husband said "She likes playing games". He told me she lied so much that he couldn't trust her at all (and yet they stayed friends!). They have a shared interest and he said he can talk to her as he doesn't have any friends (he does have a few friends but not people he can confide in). I had a scroll through their texts when he was in the other room but I never saw any lovey dovey or sexual messages although he was complaining about me to her a bit, which was upsetting. She came across like a shoulder to lean on, not challenging anything he said about me although asking a few questions about me and, just listening to everything he said and joking a bit. So for all intents and purposes reading it seemed like a normal, if rather full-on, friendship - if you didn't know about the previous affair. The husband was rarely mentioned. She acts like he doesn't exist.
OH didn't speak to FF for a week after those texts she sent. Things settled down a bit with us but then I looked at Facebook one lunchtime and she'd sent me a PM!! I couldn't believe the audacity. She sent me this long, desperate sounding email, basically changing her story that she'd told me about their more recent involvement and said that although they'd been "committed" to each other once that they only are friends now and she'd taken a bit longer to get over it than he had. She regretted what she'd texted me, she said (more like regretted that he wasn't talking to her rather than that she was coming between us). She then demanded to know why he wasn't talking to her - had I told him not to? I couldn't believe it. Personally I think she's got psychological issues. I mean who the fuck does that? Emailing the partner of a man you once had an affair with to find out why he isn't talking to you? Coming between a couple, causing problems for them and wedging yourself in further?! I spoke to a member of OH's family about all this and she said that she thinks OH provides a distraction for FF in her life. And that FF is someone he can talk to and he doesn't have many friends. Neither do I but I wouldn't stay in contact with someone like that!! She said that FF is a "mental case" but has a hold over my OH :( I just didn't know what to believe. At the very least FF is a shitstirrer who enjoys my bf's attention.
This whole thing rumbled on for ages (they eventually started speaking again) and I ended up having to see the doctor to get medication for anxiety and we went to see a counsellor specialising in ASD. FF was the main subject for discussion and eventually we discussed OH not texting her anymore (he said he'd been doing it less often) and he said ok. I felt so much better. Until we got home and OH asked if I meant never again, then went in a huge shutdown with me, saying it was like him telling me I could never speak to my mother again!! That evening was horrible and I was ready to end things with him. The next morning though he said he'd thought it over and he would stop talking to her because he wanted to concentrate on our future. I was drained, both emotionally and from a lack of sleep so didn't say much. But I felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. But when I got home he told me he'd texted her and she'd told him she had been "Nothing but supportive of your new relationship" and was not happy. He wanted to know if he could say hi to her once a month! Cue more strops from OH when I said I didn't want them talking at all. A week later she posted an attention seeking photo of herself on Instagram - all prettied up but with a face like a smacked bum with a caption about what a horrible week she'd had.
I've seen things that FF wrote online when OH and I were first dating, implying that she thought of him as a soulmate and was trying her damnedest to keep him in her life, even as a friend. And if only she could turn back the clock and not have gotten married. And oh she cried so hard listening to this song and that song because it reminded her of him/them. It was like reading the angsty ramblings of a teenager, not a married woman of nearly 50.
I know that affairs are delusional "relationships" All the fun and none of the daily grind. OH can be very charming, make you feel amazing. I think that's what she fell in love with. She couldn't handle life with him on a daily basis but she's craving his attention. Anyway, part of me wishes I'd told her husband and family. I still could, that's my trump card. I told OH during one argument that we could discuss their "friendship" with her husband and see what he thought, and OH went in a mood.
Things have gone quiet on this front but I think of it often. He's still friends with her on some social media (apart from FB because the husband would see it). I don't know if they still talk but I suspect they do, even if just occasionally. My bf always said they were just friends now and that there were other reasons it wouldn't have worked with her. He said he'd chosen me, not her. Everything is so logical with him he just doesn't see why I'd be upset because they live far apart and he's with me now. I just think it's so wrong though, all that sneaking around and lying. Why would you stay in contact with someone who treated you so badly?! I asked him how would he feel if I did that to him with some guy and he said he wouldn't like it but trying to get him to see things from my POV has been a nightmare. And he doesn't even know when a woman is flirting with him so how can he tell what her intentions are? Who knows what she says to him to subtly get him on side or turn him against me? He used to talk very excitedly about marrying me one day but he hasn't done this for a while - it wouldn't surprise me if her talking about her marriage has put him off.