Swingers

[MonsterMunch100]

I discovered my DP was a member of a swinging site. I'm gutted, I feel like I have no idea who they are.
I confronted them and they said it was a 'bit of fun', 'they were curious about what other people did' etc etc. I asked to see their homepage but they deleted it saying that people wrote awful stuff.

I was suspicious and after some snooping on their laptop I found a cached page that showed they had been verified by meeting another user. Again I confronted DP who admitted this was a female work colleague who was involved in swinging and thought it would be a laugh to get DP involved.

DP claims that nothing has ever happened between them 'physically. It seems DP and colleague discuss our sex life with the colleague even suggesting things we should do - I just thought he had finally developed an imagination. DP then reported back on how it all went.

I can't even explain how I feel, I'm just numb.

He looks like my husband, sounds like my husband but I have no idea who he is. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, everyone thinks he is the salt of the earth, I find it hard to believe myself.

Not sure why I'm writing other than to get it off my chest

He didn't admit the truth until he was cornered and even then I doubt it's the full truth.

Some people do go to swingers club just too "scope" it out, but that's normally with their partner.

How would he feel if you discussed your sex life with a male co-worker and that co-worker then give you pointers? My guess he would be pissed off. He's taking the piss.

You aren't getting the truth. Not even close.

Sometimes my DP and I look at these sites together, but that's the thing it's TOGETHER and no secret. It's a shared fantasy only and we wouldn't actually act on it and meet up with anyone, so obviously we can't be verified by any other site users.

If I found out he was accessing them alone, creating a log in and discussing with a female colleague I would go through the fucking roof. Sorry OP but that's just the tip of the iceberg and he's minimizing greatly.

My husband got involved in fetish clubs, I refused to go I can't be doing with it and rubber does nothing at all for me in fact I find it all a massive turn off.
I'm afraid it totally killed out marriage.
I'm glad he's gone now, the awful stress of wondering what he was doing at the clubs for the last five years really took it's toll on me to the point of wondering whether it was worth living any more.
I'd have it out with him, this situation cannot go on.

My problem is I've known about this for about 5 months now. He says he's cut contact with her but I've seen texts - they're not explicit but it seems about maintaining contact. When I try to talk about it I get shot down, I'm told it is all over and I'm ruining a perfectly good marriage. I just don't know what to do.

His colleague thought it would be funny to get a married man into swinging? Really?? Sounds incredibly suspicious tbh, especially when they've developed a friendship where your sex life is obviously fine for discussion 😳

If it was a perfectly good marriage why was he discussing your sex life, in detail it sounds, with a work colleague? Why would he sign up for a swinging site and not mention it to you?

Your hubby needs to accept he crossed a line and be honest- if you know they're still in contact that's more important to him than being honest with you, his spouse!

Unacceptable.

The fact that as soon as you try to discuss the situation he starts trying to shut you down indicates to me that there is a lot more to this than he has admitted! I think you need to give him one last go at telling the truth xx.

I hope you're not still having sex with him, but that if you are, you're using protection.

He sounds really horrible and I feel so sorry for you going through this. The sheer audacity of people like him just beggars belief.

And you need to start making a plan to end it.

I hope you can find a way out of this because he's clearly lying and hellbent on shutting you down any time you try and call him on his behaviour.

I caught my ex on a swinging site behind my back and he was "verified" by women he'd met up with and shagged.
Being verified on the site he was on meant he'd met someone and they leave like feedback confirming you are who you say you are.

Sorry

You need to leave him. It sounds like he isn't wanting to invest in your relationship or even try

I think this is worse than just cheating, op. He is cheating &, it sounds like, publicly rating your performance in addition. You thought your sex life was between the 2 of you & he has seriously taken advantage of your trust.

To me it just feels like our relationship has changed forever.

I've been drip-fed the truth, he only confirms what I already know and as time goes on the chance to get answers is disappearing. He feels it is done, all forgotten about but because I don't feel I got the truth it stays with me everyday.

I did nothing wrong, I was faithful yet it feels like I'm the only one who has been punished by all this. I'm has had such an effect on me I'm starting to worry about my mental health. I'm just at a loss as to how to move past this.

You need a third party to help you in real life, op. Can you guess his username & password for the website, or he may be auto signed in on one of his devices. It would be useful to know how he has betrayed you trust and if there is anything criminal going on (if he has shared photos of you etc). You find what he has done unacceptable (so would I) and you don't have to accept it. You can end the relationship & it is his fault. Don't accept his minimising.

Don't fuck about with IT etc.

Go to a solicitor. He sounds utterly reprehensible.

I'd be outraged. In fact, his swinging days would be over, as my wrath would be so great that his tackle would shrivel up and retreat back into his body cavity, never again daring to descend.

The disrespectful, pompous bastard.

Eugh he sounds vile, truly disgusting; he has zero respect for you, and probably himself and by the sounds of it would shag anything that moved, and anything that was perverse the better.

Please give yourself permission to distance yourself from this creep, I'd put money on him being very heavily involved; he's giving you the bare minimum truth wise.

I hope to god he's no longer in your home.