Indecision

[Curlywurly2017]

Hi, I haven't posted before but you all seem supportive and give good advise and I'm in need of some handholding.
Long story short I found out my husband used prostitutes. It's been a year and a half since discovery and at times it's been sheer hell. I've been angrier than I ever thought possible, depressed and hurt.
After intensive couples counselling and individual counselling for my H we decided that even with the tattered remains of our relationship we still wanted to try. We have a 3.5 year old daughter who we both love so much.
My indecision is this- I'm 37 years old and I really want to have another baby. Whilst I now feel that we have reached a much better level of communication in working out why he did it, I still have the but what if he does it again fear (which I guess is understandable). I think I would resent my H if this meant we didn't have any more children and it would stay with me forever, that yearning feeling. But also a large part of me thinks but what if he does it again and then I have 2 kids and no support.
Have any of you gone through the awfulness that is infedelity, particularly after prostitues and come out the other side to enjoy a happy relationship again?

Of course, it's been hell, you poor love. That's fucking awful. I haven't been through that experience personally, but I do know that if any partner of mine used a prostitute, that would be it, right then and there.

1. there was no chemical-level attraction that he succumbed to - he made a decision that he wanted to put his penis into a vulva other than yours, and he went ahead and did so - paying for it so as to remove any element of chance;

2. he sees women's bodies as commodities to be bought and sold; he is arguably not a great role model for your daughter.

I reckon if you're not comfortable enough in your relationship to have another child with him, the relationship isn't good enough for you.

Believe me, I would have thought the exact same too! I would have thought LTB but we have a daughter, home, life together and I didn't feel that I could in my heart walk away without trying.

What is it you are "trying" to do, love ?

Nothing can change the fact that he paid women, often vulnerable women, to fuck him. What kind of a man does that ? He has a young daughter. I wonder what justifications in his own mind he he used to square away fucking other men's daughters for a price.

You will never rest easy. Ypu will never have peace of mind. Men eho do this crave the wrongness of it. Your lovely little family unit was not enough for him then, and given a debatable amount of time, will prove the same again.

I am telling you this not to change your mind just give you food for thought. i have a friend, she did just this, dodgy behaviour with 1 child involving escorts, hookups--you name it. she forgave him, had another D. A year later , he was at it again except now she had 2 children to think of. He just couldnt stop himself mentally, it was like a drug and once started it is very hard to wean off, the secrecy, the buzz of it , the fact it was on tap. he found married life a bit tedious apparently and this was a bit of "spice" . This was no neanderthal working class guy, this is redbrick Uni decent looking very very clever guy. They are divorced and she knows he is still "at it", she now has 2 jobs and 2 under 10's and he isnt a great dad. Seriously think on it, he may be all remorse now, when it all gets a bit stressful and tedious again or whatever it was that kicked him off first time, it will always be there in the back of his mind because he crossed that bridge once. he can still be a great dad and have lots of involvement even if you split up, just not a great husband. Personally anything involving prostitutes for me is a 100% deal breaker

It's been eighteen months - you HAVE given it a fair try.

What's he doing, i.e. the person who caused all of this, to win back your trust?

Taking the prostitution out of the equation (which to me would 100% be a deal breaker, but anyway)....
Do you actually still love him? You said you did couples counseling, you have a house, life, daughter and want another child but I don't think any of these reasons are enough to stay with someone

I agree with Any he used other people's daughters as a commodity. He put your health at risk (people rarely use condoms completely safely). He used family money to indulge his won wants regardless of your needs. He fundamentally betrayed you and your DD's trust.

Is he really sorry? or did he just go through the motions at counselling? What changes did he make - how did he go above and beyond to win back your trust and is he still maintaining those changes? I'm not surprised you are having doubts. If you valued the counselling perhaps you could have some alone to explore your feelings.

Thanks for your responses. Yes I do still love him - remarkable given what he's done I know. I don't think it would have been able to stay without it.
Yetmorecrap - that is the situation I fear. Having kids is hard work. It's been tough dealing with this and having a daughter so I fear if he did it again how I would cope if we had another. My heart goes out to your friend.
Yes he is full of remorse, beats himself up regularly about what he did and how he handled things. I struggle somewhat to say this as he jeopardised everything but he is a very dad to our daughter.
I think I can't get rid of this yearning to have another baby - I guess it's my biological clock saying it's now or never.