Could you have a relationship with someone with a badly behaved child?

[RedRose86]

As the title says really...

I met my DP 3 years ago, he is a widow. In the beginning I had so much patience, empathy and admiration for him raising his DD by himself. But in the 3 years we have been together, there hasn't been 24 hours where she has been well behaved, and her behaviour has affected my DS at times (which I feel very guilty about). In the beginning (she was 4), she was having multiple tantrums (8-10 times a day on a good day), hitting, spitting and running around in supermarkets to the point we couldn't her. I suggested to my DP that she needed some therapeutic intervention. But my DP said he wanted to deal with it on his own, fast forward 2 years the behaviour has got a lot better (with a lot of my input) but there is still shouting, slamming doors, rude talking back, and stressful morning and bedtime routines, it has really taken its toll on me to the point I have withdrawn into myself. My DP just will not admit she needs help and just muddles along. He also makes things 100 times worse by not following through with his discipline, by giving her endless McDonald's, sweets, taking her on constant outings, and parties. It just feels like there never is any real consequences for her behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I know she is only 7 and I would never say I'm a perfect mum but something about his style of parenting feels very off to me. And I'm completely at my wits end with what to do.

I've become so stressed with it all and I've tried to be understanding but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation?

He is a widower, and I suspect one who is severely overcompensating for his daughter not having her mother.

I would have got out long before and I think you should too.

Oh dear. I suspect Shatnerswig is right. Understandable, but potentially a complete disaster for the child.

I suspect until underlying issues around grief and guilt are openly addressed, nothing much will change. I think your dh may need professional help with this.

The poor girl obviously needs counselling having lost her Mother. She may be only seven now but what of her life ahead and all of yours.

I would be laying it on the line that he gets her counselling or I would be off. That seems harsh but her problems are going to be possibly monumental when she grows up.

As an adult, it took me 6 years to get over my mother's death properly.

So, for someone to lose their mother as a child, especially as a very small child, I think that would absolutely count as a fundamental and totally life-changing/life-shaping event. Especially if she lost her mother before she was 3, as it will be part of her formative experience of life.

I do think, from your post that you are underestimating the effect her mother's death will have had on the child.

So, this is a long-term and serious thing. There is no way this can cause no effect or be over quickly.

Whilst I think therapy could have/could be very helpful for her, so will having a very stable, unconditionally loving presence in her life. In fact, in terms of forming stable attachments on a life-long basis, it's probably absolutely the most important thing that can be done for her long term welfare. And it looks like that is what her father is trying to do. I think he can only be commended for that. Looks like he is trying to show her that he is fundamentally there for her, no matter what.

I think long-term, she will stabilize as she gets through her grieving and healing. Whilst being a staunch disciplinarian in these circumstances is fraught with potential to damage her ability to form secure attachments to people. But it is long-term, and there are no magic wands to be waved here.

I am sorry that this is grueling for you. It must be hard. It he is a man who is putting his child first, and, especially in the circumstances, I think that needs to be respected.

So, I do think it sounds like your relationship isn't viable. Not because of the distressed child, or as a result of your partner's behaviour. But because, fundamentally your outlook, and therefore your priorities, are too different.

Often that can be surmounted by alignment of practical actions, a shared view on how to live life. There are exceptional circumstances here though, which make that alignment difficult. So I think you need to either radically alter your outlook, and accept that he does know best re his child, or you need to part.

Poor girl, with a father who sticks his head in the sand. He's failing her. Giving her treats, no consistency and no boundaries is about the worst way you can handle a grieving child.

In your shoes I'd insist on a conversation about it and that he follows through with action. Otherwise sadly you need to decide what you want; to carry on being the one who gives her what she needs in terms of boundaries, or to disengage with love.

Your own son's wellbeing has to weigh heavily here too; it doesnt sound a very good situation for him to be around.

Red2 Sorry, I have to disagree. Allowing a child under any circumstances, for years, to behave in this way is NOT good parenting and his is not putting his child first - he is storing up years of trouble and behavioural issues.

Red2of3 speaks a lot of sense about having a stable presence in her life, though I'm not sure the father is handling this the right way.

Being consistent with both rewards and consequences of breaking boundaries is absolutely vital. When you lose the rock of your life, knowing that you can trust what the remaining parent says is literally crucial to developing a sense that the world can be secure and safe.

Indulging a grieving child and not being consistent can sometimes lead to some very nasty results - insecurity plus being spoiled = deep unhappiness as an adult, both hers and sometimes the people around her.

I suggest you read "Sulky, Rowdy, Rude". It's on Amazon. The premise of the book is that children want to behave well, and parents make demands of them in such a way, that are beyond their abilities - and it is up to the parents to adjust their handling of the situation in a low arousal approach, seeing as they have the greater abilities. Children's behaviour is logical from their point of view, and the authors point out that logic and how children learn or not, from success and failure.

I found it very illuminating, and it's well worth reading!

Shatner's you only have the OPs side of the story here, and no real evidence of what the child's behaviour actually is/what the father's response actually is. So I don't think we have enough information to comment on whether some of the detail of what is actually happening is appropriate or not.

Some of the descriptions above might not be wholly accurate, or rather, they could come from very different standpoints on parenting per se, rather than some totally objective expert assessment.

Looking at the big picture though, there is the fact that the child's mother has died. Well, to me, the biggest thing there is that the father continues to be a stable and loving presence in her life. I also,agree that therapy could be helpful, but equally, I am not in that situation. Therapy does retraumatise some people.

My point is, I haven't met the child, I haven't been in the situation. I don't know if the child is badly behaved or over-indulged or not. A lot of what is mentioned above is pretty normal seven year old behaviour. I don't know if the child really gets many more treats than the average child, or if the OP and her OH just have different scales.

But we do have accurate information about how the OP feels about what is happening. She doesn't like it/disagrees/is drained. She disagrees with her partner's approach to parenting. That's a good reason not to have a relationship with someone.

I do think the question would have been better framed as "Could you have a relationship with someone who has a different approach to parenting than you?" rather than "Could you have a relationship with someone who has a badly behaved child?". It's a bit harsh on the child.

Whoever's fault it is that this relationship isn't working (if it is someone's fault), it's not the bereaved child's.

Personally I wouldn't stay if it was affecting my own child and my own mental wellbeing. It's tough but that's life

Op the dd was 4 when she met you, how old was she when she lost her mum? It sounds as though her dad didn't spend much time between losing her mum and meeting you and introducing you to her.

She needs for him to take his head out of his arse and help her, counselling to start with. Her school and gp should be able to refer her.

With regards to you and your ds, well it may be best to shorten the time the two dc are together and closer supervision would be required. How old is your ds? How does her behaviour affect him?

Your partner is going to need a 'care plan' something structured to contain and address her behaviour. She probably feels so out of control, so she will need boundaries to make her feel safe.

I feel that your partner could do with therapy too, he can not ostrich any more. It may be helpful for family therapy between him and her should be in place also.

You will have to think very carefully about where you go from here, because unless something is done to help this girl, she will end up doing risky behaviours in her teen years. Children that have not had help with regards to a maternal death often go on to our of control drug use (self medicating), alcholism, depression, anxiety, stealing, risk taking behaviour where they 'court' death and self harm.

All of these behaviours will impact on your ds and you also.

Out not our

She was 22 months when her mother passed away and me and my DP met when she was 4. He has had bereavement counselling and I'm not sure if he would have anymore.

I'd like to add that I've been a very patient influence in my DP's daughters life but her behaviour has had an affect on my health, I wasn't trying to be harsh. I'm just at a wits end with how to cope because my DP doesn't seem to want any intervention.

You did not come across as being harsh Op, you sound very caring. It may have come to a point now that you will have to care for your ds and you a bit more, especially if her behaviour and her dads inability to provide safe, secure boundaries are infringing upon your health.

red, not much else constructive to say but just, sympathy. Very difficult situation. Your own health is very important tho. And the well being of your son, if she's strugglign to the extent it's affecting your health then it's probably affecting your son too.

Could you have a relationship with someone with a badly behaved child?

No - I couldn't. Especially if detrimental to the health and wellbeing of myself and my own child. I can't take martydom that far and to me, no man or relationship is worth it. At all.

I feel sorry for this little girl. But her father will have to take his head out of the sand and get some assistance and therapy for her. I do wonder if he has actually spent time parenting her, bonding with here, without somebody else being there to share the load as it were.

Do you live together? Would you say you are a mother figure for her? Nothing wrong with any answer, just trying to get a better picture of situation.

If the dd's behaviour was negatively affecting my child then I would break things off.

At the end of the day, you're not her mum so there is only a limited amount of influence that you have. Until her dad thinks that she needs to learn then she will remain the way she is. At the end of the day, I don't think that you can parent a child effectively if you have different parenting styles.

As someone said, you need to think about whether you can stay with someone who parents differently to you rather than put the emphasis on the dd's behaviour. She's gone through an unbelievably shitty time and needs consistent parenting.

My daughter was 18m when her dad (my dh) died and I admit I spoilt her to compensate. She was always kind but had awful tantrums. My dp has been very understanding but has helped me to see there needs to be boundaries. Being consistent eg no treats at all after a melt down or bad behaviour and it's worked so well. It took quite a few months though! He has absolutely taken her on as his own. She calls him daddy and he's going to adopt her which is lovely. I respect him as her parent and I don't think we would have the happy family we do if I didnt allow him to be responsible for her , disclipine etc. If I don't agree with his parenting at any point of course I tell him (and he would do the same to me) but no more than if he was her bio dad

LTB (not that the widower is a B, but life is too short to put up with his daughters nonsense.

You've suggested intervention and he won't agree. I'm not sure you can do much more, to be honest. And even if he did agree to take her to counselling, attend a parenting course or see if she had needs any investigations for developmental delays and the like, none of that is going to result in an overnight improvement in her behaviour/his parenting.

Whatever the background, a couple needs to agree on the fundamentals of raising children, if one of them has any, IMO. When they don't it doesn't seem to be fair on either of them - or on the child.

And thinking about it logically - the stress is making you ill, so it'll be better for you to end it. Plus, her father having more time on his hands, and having seen a consequence of how he parents, might help him think about parenting differently, which will help his daughter too.

Proper boundaries give children the security they crave. Too strict or too lax parenting makes children insecure and act up. Are you not allowed to parent the child, OP?