If you and your partner deal with things differently...

[ImAFurchester]

...how do you approach things?

I love my DP. We have been together 6 years and have one toddler DC. A growing problem in our relationship is our attitudes to "talking about stuff" for want of a better word. I was brought up in a family where everyone talks about everything, he was brought up in one where nothing was ever talked about. For eg his brother died as a young child and he says they just never discussed it even though he felt he really needed to speak about it.

This is resulted in him being a bit of an ostrich. I'm the type of person who if for eg there is a money problem, wants to sort it out immediately or I worry incessantly. But he buries his head in the sand.

He says I always bring stuff up with him when he's just got back from work (I WFH) and he needs to unwind before having big discussions. This is alien to me as I have always just had these "big" discussions whenever. I feel like if I didn't bring issues up they would never get spoken about.

I am struggling with it and wonder if anyone has worked through similar.

Then ask him when would be good? I'm a talker but I'd hate to have important/ in depth discussion straight after work.

You need to compromise.

You need to talk it out, becai5se it needs sorting. But you have to understand its difficult for him. Mutually, Arrange a time to talk about it and stick to it. He needs to accept sticking his head in the sand doesnt work. Its needs sorting and not discussing it stresses you out.

I like sorting stuff out. But would hate to come in from work straight into a big discussion.

I get what you're trying to achieve and quite rightly too.

However, your timing couldn't be worse. Ask him when's good & try to reach a compromise. My ex who I was married to, did this & just didn't listen. It was one of my reasons for leaving the marriage

I don't bombard him the minute he gets in just to clarify. I wait til we've had dinner and watched a bit of tv or whatever. If I wait too late he says it prevents him getting to sleep.

When I ask him he just says "when I'm not stressed" which is basically never.

DH and I used to have this issue. What worked for us was I would raise something and he was allowed to say that he didn't want to talk about it then but he had to name a specific time when we could (so it might be 'after dinner' or 'on Saturday morning' or 'when we go for a walk tomorrow evening' etc). It worked really well and it also taught me when are good times to bring stuff up with him, so now I kind of do it automatically. And it's also encouraged him to raise stuff during our traditional 'talking times' so it's not always me anymore!

I tend to deal with issues in a similar way to your partner. Personally, I am willing to discuss anything if the other person brings the subject up in a considerate manner, in a quieter/less busy moment - eg "I'd really like to sort out this issue, please can we discuss such and such?" Whereas if the other person decides they have to talk about a topic, there and then, it feels like it's been sprung on me and I don't have time to consider what I want or need to say, which does not help the situation. You need to give both of you a chance to have a meaningful conversation, to find a solution that suits you both. Otherwise it just feels like being talked at, which can be even more stressful.