Is he abusive?

[targaryen1]

Hi all, recently I've been dealing with a lot and my life is changing immensely. I've started to feel as if my relationship isn't healthy and want somebody else's opinion. I'm going to quickly run through everything, thank you to anyone who takes the time to give me advice and read this.

So me and my boyfriend met in college (years ago, yikes) and I was very much an introvert and it took me a while to even consider him. But he was delightful, caring, attentive. His family were cohesive and accepted me, it was perfect.

Then one day he randomly broke up with me. I was devastated, this was about 3 months in. I cried myself to sleep and woke up to him on my bed with flowers and gifts apologizing saying it showed him how much I really meant to him.
Then it happened a few more times, following the same cycle of an argument, a break up and then him winning me back. This made me insecure, Dependant and clingy which meant he always knew I'd be there and literally took the mick out of me. He would play mind games and convince me I was crazy to the point I felt like I was losing my mind. However there were good times.
However as time has gone on, I've left college, I'm earning my own money, progressing in my career. And as I've become independent he has become more vicious. Several times he has 'jokingly' smothered me with a pillow. As a joke he grabs me by the throat quite a lot. We play fight and he is a lot bigger than me, and always makes the effort to leave a mark. In an argument when I've turned my head away he has yanked my hair. He has called me all names under the sun. He isn't clingy and controlling in that sense, but he is manipulative and controlling. He followed a male coworker of mine from work with a female friend of his thinking it was me and my male coworker. He has been uncomfortable with me being friends with a lovely girl I know who is outgoing (saying she's almost a bad influence on me). he keeps a wall up of 'I dont care what youre up to I trust you' but at the same time jokingly asks me if I'm cheating if I'm more than half an hour.

It all sounds so bad writing it down, to me this is all in context and normal. I just feel really drained and all I feel is dread from the moment I wake up. Is he going to be lovely to me today or be an arse?

Please can I get a second opinion?

He's extremely abusive. You need to make plans to leave this situation. You don't need him to agree that the relationship is over btw. You can just go. You don't need to explain or have a reason to give him.

Hands on throat even once means that he is extremely likely to become much more physically violent. In fact it's a predictor of him murdering you.

You're in danger. This is serious and you need to go.

What can we do to help?

OMG, please leave this man!!

He is seriously abusive.

Yes he is abusive. Don't tell him you're leaving him, make the plans and go. He will promise you the world if you please just stay/come back. Don't fall for the act.

OP, you don't need a second opinion. If someone told you this 'I just feel really drained and all I feel is dread from the moment I wake up. Is he going to be lovely to me today or be an arse?' What would you say?

It sounds as though you fear him due to physical and emotional abuse. It also seems he is now trying to isolate you and has been gaslighting you. You admit yourself there is cycle which you can see but has lead to dependency.

It's unclear from your post whether you're living together but here's some info from women's aid: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Today is as good as any to make a change, OP, before it's too late

Hi ladies I really appreciate your honesty. I just feel so guilty like I am the one making him seem like a bad person, but I'm only finally telling the truth behind closed doors. I do not live with him. I am so scared to leave him because I feel like I've been manipulated into needing him. I feel awful. I tried to confront him about his behavior yesterday, and he basically laughed and said it wasn't true. Then when I got to the nitty gritty he got angry and told me to leave. His mum was in the same room thank god.

I'm in such a dilemma, I know this is wrong I'm just to scared to leave.

Of course he'll make you think it's all your fault, that what these abusive men do. Can you speak to any family/friends in RL, it'll be so much easier if you get some back up. It is NOT your fault no matter how much he blames you..and he WILL blame you, for everything. Don't talk to him about anything anymore, just cut him out, block him from everything.

I only wish I'd had mumsnet years ago before I married my stbxh, who sounds a lot like your dp, to stop me wasting 20 years on a total headfuck.

anyway listen, you'll be fine.. I understand the manipulation and how you're scared to be apart but that's all part of the emotional abuse. He's trained you to feel dependant! I remember being treated so so badly and feeling this overwhelming pain at the thought of splitting up even though that didn't make any sense.. but I wish I'd had the strength to go through with it. I think some counselling might help you see the light. I had 2dc so I can't regret it completely.
I eventually reported him to the police and he left.

You don't need him, the fact you've recognised he is abusive and asked for help and advice here shows you're already stronger and more Independent than you realise. You can leave him.

Leaving is scary. But you can do it.

Get out while you still can. A man placing his hands around your throat is one of the most dangerous signals of impending extreme violence.

Don't have "the big talk". Get the Hell out. Don't explain. Don't warn him.

Don't wait another minute, and consider reporting all of this to the Police, in case he resorts to stalking or violence.

HI OP. I really feel for you right now and know how hard it must be. Your instinct is telling you it's not right, you've come on here and asked for help so that's a great start. I have been reading a book that is helpful called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It has examples of what you have described and gives suggestions on how to maybe address your situation. Xx

Even before I got to the part of your post about the physical stuff, I would consider all the verbal stuff controlling and abusive. Is there a friend/family member that could come over and be there with you while you pack your stuff and go stay with them for a while?

Yes he is very abusive . Leave him you literally have nothing to lose

I think you already know the answer to your question. It's not easy when it's someone you have loved or still love, but it sounds classic abuse and is NEVER going to go away. Hugs x

Very familiar, took me even longer than you. Wish he'd left but I had to in secret rather than put myself in danger. He's played mindgames with the children to suggest "it takes two to argue" - yes when it's a NORMAL argument, not when you're dealing with a narcissist who likes to kick you to the floor and smash your things if you dare to express an opinion of your own.

He is frequently assaulting you. Please god dump the twat and walk away. God forbid you have DC with this arsehole. You know the domestic violence always escalates, don't you? You are worth more, he does not deserve you. He should be locked up. Tell the police, make the break.

He tries to suffocate you and strangle you ????

Please leave him now. As others have said, don't dicusss it or try to reason with him. He is dangerous.

You have lived with this for so long it seems normal to you . But it's not. AT ALL.

This is very likely just the beginning... agree with other posters, hands on throat (plus other actions) strongly indicate much worse to come. Perhaps waiting until you have a baby with him and more dependent on him.

Please put a stop to this. Change your locks so he can't get in. Block him on your phone and on social media. Call the police if he waits outside your place to 'talk'. Just get away, fast!

Yes, he is extremely abusive, both physically and mentally.

And dangerous. You need to get away from him before he kills you.