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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell my daughters father I have feelings for him when I am unsure he feels the same?

18 replies

Millie2920 · 06/07/2017 21:03

Hello.
I have a 1 year old daughter and a 3 year old son (my son doesn't have the same father, his father is not involved in his sons life by choice and never has been, it was a volatile relationship).

I was not strictly "with" my daughter's dad when she was conceived. It was something casual in that "just seeing how it goes" phase when I found out I was pregnant. He moved out of the country (for work) prior to finding out I was pregnant so it just fizzled in to nothing (we was using protection so a baby was the last thing on either of our minds) However, since our daughter has been born he has been an active part of her life, he is completely besotted by her, he see's her weekly and pays in excess of £1000 in child support (due to the nature of his career.) He also plays a big part in my sons life (my son is aware this is not his father) but they will go for days out with my daughter, to the park, to football matches etc.

We get on very well, it just feels like there is "something" between us, I can't explain it and I don't know what it is, I just haven't felt it before. We joke, laugh, have fun, go out whenever he comes to see his daughter. Every week he will come down to pick up our daughter and we will go out to do something (out to eat, to the beach etc) before he takes her to his for the weekend. It just feels like there's a spark between us that I haven't experienced with anyone else.

We talk daily (he asks how our daughter is daily) and the conversation flows from there. We facetime every other day so he can see his daughter (but usually leads in to a conversation between just us two when shes asleep, discussing random things) He is so supportive of me, he came to my graduation, he is there whenever I need to speak, he brought me a car because my one had packed up. He has told me "if you need any help with the kids, money or even just someone to talk to please let me know because I can help with anything and I want to be the first person you go to".

We have had sex on one occasion (back in January) but it hasn't happened since as I told him it shouldn't happen again and he accepted that.

We have had no conversation about "feelings" or anything of that nature, he has told me on a different topic how he cares about me because I am the mother of his child, but that was an unrelated topic. I have never brought up my feelings for him, I just seem to keep them to myself because I don't know if he feels the same and I am scared of rejection. I am only 21 (he is 24) so I don't know if I am perhaps just naive and have a deluded fantasy of a "perfect" family with the father of my daughter. I just don't know if/how/when I should tell him.

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 06/07/2017 21:47

Tell,him, what have you got to lose? Or ask him if he wants to give a relationship a go.

cheapskatemum · 06/07/2017 21:50

He's single, right?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 21:55

If he's single, he sounds lovely.

Why did you say no more sex in January?

Millie2920 · 06/07/2017 21:58

Yes, he's single. I said no because it just made my feelings more intense for him and as I didn't want to bring them up, I decided it was best not to develop further feelings by having more and more sex. I didn't tell him this though, I just told him I didn't think it was appropriate.

OP posts:
Shemozzle · 06/07/2017 22:01

The relationship as you describe it is definitely more than just two single parents. My eldests father and I separated when she was a baby and I would say we are amicable as he usually stays for a brief chat when he picks her up (and that is more than I'd even like tbh). You already sound heavily involved and obviously enjoy each other's company so I think it would be madness not to talk about it.

noodleaddict · 06/07/2017 22:02

Tell him! He's probably under the impression you don't want anything because of what you said in January. So maybe he's trying to protect his feelings too. I think you should take a chance on it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 22:03

Well as a nosy observer on the internet- tell him NOW!

As a rational human being it's really complicated. You have a great relationship, co-parent excellently and he's a good support. But the feelings never being said is weird too. And it would be lovely if it works out but potentially terrible if it doesn't.

Tell him!

JustMumNowNotMe · 06/07/2017 22:05

Oh goodness yes, tell him! Xx

erinaceus · 06/07/2017 22:08

Mention that you are rethinking your opinion on the sex thing and go from there? It sounds as if he has respected your take on the situation so far. Just don't dick him around in an on-again, off-again way. That would not be kind. Not that I am saying that you would, but I think you need to be reasonably confident before you go for it due to your having DD involved.

I am direct though. YMMV.

TheNaze73 · 06/07/2017 22:09

Go for it.

Orlandointhewilderness · 06/07/2017 22:12

Tell him. You have nothing to lose and he may be feeling the same way too.

CookieLady · 06/07/2017 22:13

Another one saying tell him!

Emboo19 · 06/07/2017 22:33

Tell him!!

He sounds really great and from what you've written I wouldn't imagine him being funny with you if it's not what he wants or if you try and it doesn't work.

You could say it as a 'we get on great, would you like to try at a relationship' if he says no fair enough. If he says yes, then disscus how to go about it.

Pollaidh · 06/07/2017 22:54

Sounds like it's worth a shot. It doesn't sound like a typical co-parenting relationship, even a friendly amicable one.

bluebell34567 · 06/07/2017 22:56

I don't understand why he hasn't offered you to have a proper relationship as he is so close to you.
him trying to sleep with you is a different matter.

Pollaidh · 06/07/2017 22:56

Do you ever have 'moments'? Like prolonged eye contact, slightly awkward departure where neither of you quite wants to be the one to say bye etc? Finger brushing when you pass things?

nigelsbigface · 07/07/2017 14:19

Absolutely tell
Him!

livefornaps · 07/07/2017 14:25

Please tell us as soon as you've told him Smile

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