Ex, new relationship, how he treats DC

[Rainybo]

Background: 10 year marriage, been separated over 2 years, 2 DD 11 and 9 yo. Ex was low level controlling and critical, I ended the marriage. I have a DP.

Ok, I am willing to be told I am being entirely unreasonable or that I sound overinvolved.

Ex-H is now in a new relationship. I have no issue with this, or with the DC meeting and spending time with her if he sees it as a serious relationship, they haven't met her yet, but will soon.

Since I heard from DD, 11, that he has a girlfriend (about 6 weeks ago) I've noticed that the telephone calls he makes to DC are dropping off, or it's started to be 'I can't talk for long, I'm just going to the cinema/pub/BBQ with Alison (not real name)' or a text will come through saying 'can't talk to you tonight, I'm out.'

One Thursday eve, DD was on Facetime to him and I heard him say 'I'm going to Birmingham for the weekend with Alison so I won't be able to call or message you until Monday' and DD responded with 'don't they have WiFi in Birmingham yet?', so I know the older one is starting to pick up on it. It's starting to be away every weekend that he doesn't have them.

Tonight I heard him telling them that he is going to Spain for two weeks with her in Summer. He won't be taking the DC away at all. I've even had to persuade him to have them for an extra night or two.

I'm so angry, but I don't know if I'm being unjustified or I'm put out by the new relationship. He threw into conversation that when the DC meet her, she 'of course won't be staying over that first night' and I'm not sure whether I'm just struggling with the different approach (DP and I have taken that side of things so cautiously for all our DC) or whether I'm raging inside that I've saved and saved to take them away this year, he has cried poor and now he is fucking off to Spain AND telling DC all about it! It is his right to go and none of my business, but his children should be his priority!

Help me manage these feelings or tell me to stop overreacting!

Seems to be fairly common sadly. My exH did the same. With the added bonus that he goes on holidays with GF and her children but doesn't invite his own/mine. They do usually bring them back a small gift though

Thanks Inky - how do you cope with how angry/sad you feel for your children?

I just can't understand the logic, and yet I know he is selfish. I think I thought it was only when it came to me and I'm unsettled by it playing out with DC.

Can't you tell him that he has shown a lack of interest in his kids since he met his new partner. Tell him you get that he's loved up but the kids are missing out on their dad as they knew him pre girlfriend.

Say this nicely and tell him it's his choice as to whether he acts upon this info or not but you've only got the girls interests at heart.

I have thought about that, but I am worried about his reaction. He sees it that he is the 'good' parent and that I'm not quite up to standard.

If I sent something like that, I'd likely get back that it is all my fault for leaving anyway. Maybe I'm just a coward, but it's taken me a while to get strong (he still comments on my housekeeping when he does pick them up).

Is there any possibility that he really is broke and gf is paying for the holiday? In which case it would be unfair to invite the kids

my ex is similar. No, you can't tell him (ime) that he's showing a lack of interest in the children - he'll throw it back at you, it'll be your fault etc etc. It's a waste of time telling him that he should be prioritising his children or even feeling sad that he isn't. You won't change his view or his actions (ime). You just need to keep on being there for your children. Being the reliable one.

All you can do is carry on reassuring the DC that their dad loves them, that you love them etc etc. I think you don't need to lie, but you can make them feel better about it (if indeed they do feel rubbish - my children don't seem to feel the same level of hurt about abandonment from their father that I do!).

At the end of the day, he'll be the one that loses out.

To add to this, as pp have already said, keep being supportive to your children.
Try not to let your guard slip and comment on his behaviour in front of them - they will work it out in their own time, which can be difficult for you to see them going through, but with your support they will.

Kitten - I hadn't thought about that and it could be a possibility - but she must be paying out for a lot!

Thanks Anna, I hope I am being the reliable one and I try my best to keep everything on an even keel. It does sound similar to your experience, and I am glad it's not me putting up with him anymore. I guess he will lose out in the end.

You're right mine - its so tempting to point out or get cross about what he is doing, so I will keep trying to keep my guard up (getting it out on here is helping!)

Oh I spent a LONG time feeling upset and angry Rainy. One of my worst days was when he dropped my DC off home early after an overnight visit because they were going for a" family day out". I wasted a lot of time and energy pointing out how he was making them feel but he didn't believe me, thought I was jealous, bitter etc. The irony of course is that I was telling him so that he didn't fuck up their relationship. There was zero benefit to me. I spent a lot of time telling my DC that "of course" daddy loved them more than GFs children (yes they asked ) but eventually I stopped. The proof is in the pudding really isn't it. I don't criticise him infront of them, never have, but I do now agree with them if they voice the 'unfairness' because it is unfair. They are now saying they want to spend less time there so it's panning out how I expected. I'm sad for them but they 100% know they're number one in my life. Accepting the situation and not trying to change it has been key. I focus on my relationship with them only now. I can't be responsible for his.

Thank you for sharin inky, you sound like a wonderful mum.

I think that I will hold the last thing you said in my mind - that I can't be responsible for his relationship with them. I'll concentrate on helping them through.